Wednesday, September 06, 2006

What Goes On At The Scrapbooking Party Stays At The Scrapbooking Party

I'm known by many titles in this mortal coil. Mother of the Year, Trophy Wife, Sauerkraut Taste Tester, Monkey Sock Supermodel, Champion Chicken Dancer, just to name a few. As of last Friday, I can finally add a new dimension to my list of distinguished a Scrapbooking Queen.

I know what you're thinking, "Isn't this the same woman who openly mocks scrapbooking, scrapbookers, and everything that they stand for?" Yes, that would be me. I even wanted to create a blog header declaring this blog a "Scrapbook Free Zone". So, why the sudden change of heart? Well, we ridicule and fear the things we don't understand. I've never attended a Scrapbooking Party in my entire life until last week's scrappy soiree at a Church members home, and I must admit, it gave me some newfound perspectives.

At first, I hung back, reluctant to say or do anything because I felt like a filthy scrapbook voyeur, silently watching the every snip and paste hand movement in the room. After a few Oreo's in me though, I loosened up considerably, and this is the final condensed document of all that transpired.

1. I casually dropped in a "camel toe" joke while talking about how Rocky Mountain jeans fit, causing tittered laughter, gasps, and a few of the more pious Sisters to actually cover their gaping mouths with their hands. WHAT???!!!?? I guess I need a list of Scrapbooking Conversational Etiquette Rules, because I don't think camel toe is anything shocking. My daughters and I even have a special covert hand symbol we utilize while wearing our bathing suits that lets the recipient know that they need to attempt a delicate frontal extraction. Hey! Maybe I should scrapbook that. Lesson Learned: I'm too potty mouthed for prime time socialization with church folk.

2. While feigning interest in one of the Scrapbook lay outs, I innocently remarked on the spelling of the word splayed all over the page. I noticed that the word had been spelled with an "I" instead of the appropriate "A". I honestly thought that the "I" had been supplanted for the "A", because there's no way that the meager amount of space would have accommodated any letter wider than an "I". I remarked on how clever the alternative spelling was which set off a shockwave of incredulous disbelief. Apparently, the lady didn't actually know that the word was indeed misspelled. A flurry of women scattered to console her because she seemed visibly upset. *sigh* Lesson Learned: Scrapbooking women must be ardent perfectionists.

3. After talking for a brief time with a new lady from England, I commented on all the BBC shows the kids and I check out from the library, our favorite being, "Keeping Up Appearances". Then, I dazzled her with my best Hyacinth impersonation. Things were going swimmingly, until I said the word, "Wanker." I had only commented that I see that word bandied about quite often on a website I visit with numerous British members. Apparently, that word is much worse than I once imagined. So, now I learned a lesson in offending people from England. I can now say something vulgar in nearly 6 languages. I have harnessed the power to offend on an international scale. Go ME!

4. A homeschooling acquaintance and I couldn't stop laughing about cliche Mormon stories. I contributed a platter of brownies to the party, which immediately sprung this story to mind. The conversation progressed, and we compared how many times we've had to sit through the same stories at Church, and how Mormonism needs a few fresh writers. Chief among them has to be the allegory about the train engineer who sacrifices his son to save the train of people crossing a bridge, the analogy of one skinny boy who steals lunches and he cries when the bigger boy in his class voluntarily takes the whipping punishment for it, and everyone's favorite about picking up dying starfish and throwing them back into the ocean. When, one of the ladies interrupted and looked absolutely crestfallen. It seems her husband had used the brownie/dog poop story just the week before with his Church class, and she wanted to know how we could have possibly heard the same tale. Lady, are you serious? We've all been subjected to that lame story at least two to three times per year. I'm a convert, and I've heard it so often, I can actually mouth the dialogue right along with the presenter. Lesson learned: I hold the power to crush people's feeling that they are somehow original.

5. Lastly, when discussing music, one Sister lowered her voice to a whisper and peered around the room all shifty-eyed like she felt guilt ridden, and told us, "I have a wild side too, you know. Sometimes, I listen to matchbox 20." That did it. I started laughing, thinking that she employed the art of sarcasm quite well for a cute little scrapbooking person. Nobody else even cracked a smile. It wasn't a joke. I have a playlist that includes Korn, Rammstein, NIN, and Ministry. Ummm yeeeeaaah, my kids have listened to wilder music than matchbox 20 on Radio Disney. Lesson Learned: I'm musically incompatible with scrapbookers.

I didn't intend to be so uncouth. Good gracious, I didn't even fart. Not even one time. I promise. I'm just honestly looking for a few good, like-minded friends to goof off with. Oh well, I have another chance at scrapbooking bliss next week. That is, if I haven't been banned by the Scrapping Cabal for my insolence. If I have, then I'm like soooooo gonna take pictures of them and scrapbook the moment using a horned devil themed background.


omar said...

As the husband of a scrapbooker, I can assure you that yes, they ARE perfectionists.

And you picked a good time to get sucked in, Croptoberfest is coming up!

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Well, Omar, "I am the Scrapbook Queen, snarky and mean, I play the tambouriiiine. You can scrap, all that crap, wasting the time of your life. Whoaaaa. See that girl, watch her scrap, dig it the scrapbook Queen."

I may not be blogging much in the next few weeks as I practice for my big stage role in the musical, "Mamma Mia".

Demosthenes said...

Firstly, when this page loaded, I could have sworn this and the last post were reversed in order. I even posted on the last one- go see yourself- and when I went back to "main" this thing was first instead. Strange.

Anyway, they need people like you. You're like Maria. They'll be singing, "What do you do with a problem like elasticwaistbandlady? What do you blah blah I don't know the rest?" And so on and so forth.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

demosthenes, Mormon Family Man hasn't coughed up the residual monies agreed upon to shamelessly whore his T-shirt merchandise. As such, him and his thongs must slide back down the pole. That's totem pole, mind you. :)

In this house we sing it, "What do you do with a problem like diarrhea? What do you do when you're dribbling everywheeeerrrree." We are so very refined.

my verification is OWNFM. HA! Too late, I already have XM, and it smokes FM radio.

mullet said... seem to have some good insight on what it's like to be a filthy voyeur! Umbrellas at dawn, elastic (although these days i'm sleeping with mine under my pillow - next to my cash)!

Lianne said...

Oh my gosh, EWL, that is TOO FREAKING FUNNY! I swear, sometimes I think you are ME which is really scary if you think about it.

I'm still laughing about "wanker".

You are my hero.

Elizabeth-W said...

As you know, I do not scrapbook either. In fact, I'm opposed to most things involving scissors (except getting my hair cut). I even told my 1st grader's teacher that I do not want to do any volunteering that involves die-cut machines, bulliten boards, copying machines, art projects, etc. Let me help kids learn to read or write, but nothing crafty. I wonder what she'll put me to work doing? maybe sharpening pencils with my snarky teeth.
If you and Lianne are twins, I swear I'm the long lost triplet of the bunch.
Once at a church function someone had created a cross stitch pattern that said, "The Glory of God is Intelligent"-I opened my big mouth-I should have let someone correct that in a more private setting.
Shark story--So help me if you've heard this one....A friend of mine at byu grew up in SoCal right on the beach. He was in testimony meeting, and a lady who had recently lost her husband to a shark attack got up to bear her testimony. She essentially said that his body was protected by his under-g's because he wasn't bitten or attacked on any part of him that was covered by them. Hello? He's dead. How much protection was that?
I have a wild side, too. I like to listen to, oh never mind. I'll admit it. I just listen to Fred on my xm.

Thoroughly Mormon Millie said...

Is this a convert thing, this non-scrapbooking backlash? Do you have to be a born-in-covenant child to like it? Is this how we tell us LDS Sneetches apart?

With your stories of shocking the ward sisters, you remind me of my friend Colleen... except she scrapbooks.

Mimo said...

I bet you hear great gossip at scrapbooking parties... it would almost be worth it just to buy a book and feign interest, just to go to the parties and hear all about the Smiths.

wendela said...

I had to be revived after reading the line that you are now "...a Scrapbooking Queen."

Although I haven't quite recovered, I'm looking forward to hearing more. My playlist has had some of the same and I faced the wrath of scrapbookers and homeschoolers in my day (just a few years ago when my kiddos were younger). Just wait. If you keep on being "you", you'll probably face the same as I did: being called the one who's a rebel. Ahhh, history repeats itself. :) Freak on a Leash is always a good ice-breaker tune.

Elizabeth-W said...

Sorry Millie--I'm from pioneer stock, and I can't stand it (Remember the girl from Singin' in the Rain? I caaan' stannnd 'im!!"?). I can't abide scrapbooking. Specifically, what I can't abide is the insinuation that scrapbooking is the equivalent of family history, that it's sort of a commandment, etc. ;)

jams o donnell said...

Oh dear ewbl, Camel Toe, Rammstein and Wanker... I can see you at one of the Queen's Garden Parties now... "Pleased to meet you Ma'am.. You know I love Wills but Harry is a bit of a wanker.. by the way your majesty, you might want to sort things out a bit you've got a bit of camel toe!"

Exit with the sound of axes being sharpened at the Bloody Tower

I realise wanker does not have the same meaning in the US but I am sure given Peg Bundy the maiden name Wanker was a deliberate ploy.. Finding out there is a place in Oregon called wanker's corner made myself and the not wife burst out laughing!

Syar said...

I was all excited at the presence of the word "scrappy" in your post.

scrappy scrapbookers, you know? awesome!

but matchbox 20? *sigh*

Moi said...

Ohhhh, now *I* can make fun of *You* for scrapbooking. You know you wear jean dresses, and cute wooden necklaces. Don't deny it.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Hey mullet, You have a lot of voyeurism in you too. I know that, like me, you secretly lurk around other blogs and watch the goings on!

Lianne, I WISH you lived around here. We could work in tandem, crashing scrapbooking parties and wreaking havoc.

Millie- I didn't intend to shock or make an azz out of myself, it was just me being me. These are nice ladies, I guess I'm just radically different, and I think that stems from being a convert.

mimo- Scrapbookers have boring gossip. My family get togethers would rival any tabloid show complete with affairs, illegitimate kids, death row inmate cousins.....

wendela- FREAK ON A LEASH!! HA! I love me some KORN. "Falling Away From Me" is my favorite Korn song though. I shudder to think what kind of scrapbooking pages would be crafted together using KORN as background music.

Listen carrot, I only own one jean dress, and that's because my Mom gave it to me. The rest of the time I wear black. Not because I'm goth or artsy or anything, it's just because I'm fat and black is slimming.

Jams- The Queen Mum would love me! I'll wear my best black dress with a carefully sewn anarchy A on it, and I'll regale her with my own rendition of the Sex Pistols, "God Save The Queen", right before asking her if Andrew is really an illegitimate child, and if it's true that she had Di bumped off.

syar-Just call me "Scrappy Doo." Although, I'd like to think I'm a bit less annoying when I screech, "SCRAPPY POWER!" at scrapbooking parties.

Moi said...

I laughed out loud at the "Scrappy Power" comment! I can just imagine you creeping up behind people yelling "Scrapppy Dappppy Doooo!" ROFL!!

Elizabeth-W said...

EWL-your to much. Im going to be bad on you're blog just for shear meaness.
Once, a lady sent me a thank-you note for bringing her dinner, and there (I mean their) were some fairly obvious errors--the you're/your variety. And guess what? She home-schools! Her poor kids! (This is not a bash on home-schooling, fyi--I would do it if I really thought I could do a good job, and may still do it when my girls are 12-15 years old.) I'm pretty snarky about poor spelling kinds of things, but then I beat myself because I can bearly add fractions. My sister can't spell cat but she can do advanced calculus or whatever is super-fancy math.

jams o donnell said...

Black dress? bumping off Di? You'll be up to be the first person to be hanged drawn and quartered here since 1781 and on primetime tv to boot! I daresay a gibbet will then be erected at one of the arrival halls at Heathrow airport as a stark reminder that we haven't forgotten the Boston Tea Pary!!

elasticwaistbandlady said...

elizabeth-Not all homeschooling moms are created equal. I fall somewhere in the middle category. I'm not the greatest, but I'm not the suckiest either. Papi is the math genius around here. I defer to him for anything more elevated than a story problem involving two hirsute women.

jams- I also dropped my new favorite phrase of, "Mardy Bum" to my new English acquaintance. I learned it from that group "Arctic Monkeys", or was it "Snow Patrol"? I don't know since they both sound exactly the same. She looked perplexed. I love getting that reaction from people! It means I'm difficult to figure out and not predictable. I think.

forecast calls for rain said...

You don't know how hard I'm laughing. I myself love scrapbooking and love scrapbooking nights to get out and be with friends. I could relate with everything you were saying. You would be fabulous company at a scrapbooking party and I think you should keep going. (How did you get so fancy that you have to type in word verification to get through?)

compulsive writer said...


I think I told you that my friend told me I absolutely will rot in hell because I don't scrapbook.

And she was serious!

It's like I got left out of one of the tribes or something...

RC said...

um...i don't think a scrapbook party is the thing for me :-)

Syar said...

gah, I hate scrappy doo. how can scooby and shaggy stand the little monster?

must be all that weed.

1tiredmama said...

It was great to have you at scrapbooking! You better come on Friday! You made things a lot more fun and exciting! I laughed more that night than I have in a long time (how sad does that make my life?)