The Smiling Infidel was first recognized for its greatness in grossness with the bestowing of the prestigious "Bloggernator" title. The fantastic and unfairly overworked Queen Wendela held a lavish ceremony at Burger King in my honor, where I was knighted and tapped on the shoulders with a scepter crafted from drinking straws, and a paper jewel encrusted crown placed upon my dandruffed head ( I HATE Garnier Fructis). To celebrate the occasion, I wore my nicest T-shirt with the resplendent "State Farting Champion" logo emblazoned across the front. A gift from one of my many admirers, Mormon Family Man. A sumptuous feast culminated this momentous event and we gorged ourselves upon dollar menu flame broiled goodness. Then, flushed with confidence at my new Knight status proceeded to disregard the rules and height maximum regulations set forth at the indoor playground. Rules are for the little people, after all. I took my rightful place at the front of the line for the slide causing some of the children to weep. We were then promptly asked to leave the premises. I wonder if Sir Paul McCartney has to endure this kind of treatment too?
The coveted BLOG GOD AWARD came as a complete surprise to me this week, especially considering I was the darkhorse candidate in the "Excellence In Flatulence" category. Luckily, my breakthrough blog performance that secured me the beautiful gold skirted man I've nicknamed Fergus, came with the entry involving the sweet smelling world of my Papi's armpits. To GLO and the rest of the venerable BLOG GOD Committee, I humbly accept this statuette and I hope you don't mind if I use the podium onstage at the Awards Show to further a few of the causes so near and dear to my heart. First of all I'm begging for all my earthly brothers and sisters to embrace peace and unity. Please, you guys, will you stop fighting with your family and friends over the first Eggo waffle to pop up out of the toaster? "Leggo My Eggo", is so intolerant and divisive a phrase. Can't we all just get along? Secondly, lets remember our comrade in arms so wrongfully incarcerated simply because he was hungry and stole a few morsels of food from a greedy corporation. Yes, please join me in signing a petition in the movement to Free Hamburglar. If we combine our voices, we can truly make a difference.
Thanks again to everyone who made these cherished awards possible. That includes you, the finest blog readers and commenters in the entire blogosphere. You guys validate me, humour me, and reward me with your responses to my meandering nonsense. You complete me.........and satisfy the attention whore within. *lifting trophy high in the air and waving it around triumphantly* I LOVE ALL OF YOU!!!! See you back here next year, same Infidel time, same Infidel place. Peace out.
Dearest Award Committee: Next time will you please honor my request for deep fried Twinkies and chili dogs at the Awards Banquet? Smooches!
9 comments:
I am in awe! What is the proper title to use when a mere blog mortal as I wishes to address you?
Her Royal Fartness.
You are so amazing, and I worship you as the blog goddess you are.
(I can't get exed for that, can I?)
I think "multi-award whining blog" would be a better fit. Oh wait, that's what *I'm* using. Never mind. (congratulations!)
Congratulations! Great acceptance speech. You were fortunate to get the whole thing out before the orchestra in the pit started playing...
Congrats Blog God Award Recipient!
You truly deserve this honor. We -your faithful readers- bow at your multi-award talented blogginess.
Long live YOU!
Millie took it from me, jams. I was going to say that since "Queen OF Hearts" is already in usage, I'll settle for "The Queen Of Farts." Now then, the Royal Court has an opening for a man who knows a little something about everything. Interested?
Thank you for the reverence shown to her Majesty, millie. Now you must pay tribute in the form of caramel sundaes.
JAM- I thought yours was a multi-monkey media blog. Thanks for the congrats!
julie- The censors cut out the rest of my speech where I tell people that they should only wear hemp clothing, and then I throw my dress down in disgust and streak across the stage.
NCS- As one of my most favorite Royal Subjects, we are honored to receive your gushing flattery. This entitles you to one free coupon* pass out of the dungeon torture chambers. A remarkable money and life saving value.
*Coupon not transferrable. Coupon may not be doubled. Coupon subject to the laws of the mental state in which you reside. Coupon has no real cash value. Terms and conditions are subject to change.*
I would be honoured to serve you ma'am!
MFM- Just you wait and see, Pete. I'm working on a new publishing form where you can print on edible fruit leather pages. So, when you've read my biography, you can then snack on it. See, then critics can't call it a useless waste of time, it'll be a nourishing and fulfilling read!
jams, We do not care to be called, "ma'am". Please refer to us as "Her Royal Fartness." I'm making you my special "Twinkie Liason", and "Master In Command Of Avoiding Debt Collection Calls." These are valuable positions for the well being of my kingdom, and I should think that you can expect your own drinking straw knighting ceremony in quick order, Sir Jams.
HEY NCS!
I looked on the back of the "ONE FREE TORTURE CHAMBER PASS" coupon and it had more restrictions on it.
*Coupon may not be exchanged for giant jars of marshmallow creme. Coupon may only by used in greater central outer inner Mongolia. Coupon is not intended for use as a flotation device. Caution: Coupon will be hot if on fire.*
"Her Royal Fartness" - fine for some circumstances but others, not so much. For example when speaking *to* you should we not address you as Your Royal Fartness, or even Your Fartness? Or possibly just Fartness, though that might seem overly familiar.
Respectfully yours,
Court Monkey
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