Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Man Against Beast!

Few realize what a perilous occupation I have, for the life of a newspaper carrier is fraught with danger and intrigue at every turn.

A paper comrade once gave me wise counsel when he stoically said, "Giiiiirrrrlll, you don't stop your truck for nobody, and I mean nobody." He went on to tell me that he won't even halt his vehicle for a dog in the middle of the street because it could secretly be a nefarious trap. Given that I'm working in the heart of suburban bliss amongst splendorous homes situated on lush golf course greens, I generally don't feel frightened to step out of my truck, even if it is the middle of the night.

Last week, I threw the notoriously gigantic Houston Chronicle Sunday Edition. Each one weighs in excess of five pounds, and makes a lumberjack's eyes glitter with delight. When I double backed down one particular street I saw nothing but litter mayhem. My customer's newspapers were strewn haphazardly everywhere, and I didn't have any extras with me, so I got out to salvage what I could. While bent over cobbling sections back together, I heard a low, rumbling sound coming from behind me. Usually, that means I'm flatulating, but this proved not to be the case this time.

I turned around slowly to find two vicious dogs growling and baring their teeth at me. One, an obvious mottled brown colored Pit Bull, while the other appeared to be some genetics experiment involving a collie gone terribly awry. They approached menacingly towards me, forcing me to retreat further backwards into the street. Escaping to the safety of my truck wasn't an option because of the distance and my painful lack of running speed. The Pit Bull snapped dangerously close to me, and adrenaline took over. I swiftly picked up two of the gigantic newspapers still in the plastic bag, one for each hand, and I deftly started swinging them around like lethal weapons. Surprised, the dogs continued growling but backed up a little. There's me, wielding two newspaper like nunchucks, flipping and slicing the air with them and yelling threats at the dogs. The collie gave up, and went running like the Hell Hound he is back to his yard. The Pit Bull though, snapped at me again forcing me to bring down the awesome force of the Sunday paper on his back, followed by a shouted expletive laced sentence that startled even me. He turned tail and ran down the street whimpering. Shaking, and scared, with visions of Pit Bull mauling stories running through my head, I climbed back into my truck.

I told my kids about it and even demonstrated my newspaper weaponry stance. Instead of them gasping that their beloved mother almost became a midnight snack for a dog, they laughed and laughed. They told me that I looked like a fat, white ninja on a street corner looking to kick butt, take names, and then hawk the newspapers for a meager profit. That's me, doing proud tribute to the memory of oafish Chris Farley everyday. Well, except no self respecting paper carrier would ever wear an all white outfit because it shows the newspaper ink stains, and we must never reveal our true identities during the daylight hours. (That's mostly because people laugh at the thought of adults throwing newspapers)

13 comments:

on.the.run said...

Too funny! I wish, oh, I wish I could have seen that. I got attacked by a yellow-jacket today. It stung me twice and then chased me around the front yard, (I was screaming and flailing my arms around.) I am sure the nearby construction workers were having a grand time watching me. I didn't have any bug killer so I went back out and sprayed them with Grease Lightening (the cleaner) I hope they died a slow and painful death.

No Cool Story said...

Did you tell the newspaper you story?
Imagine the ads they could come up with: "Sunday edition: our carriers are armed and dangerous", "Keep dangerous dogs away, our white ninjas will show no mercy".

Wow, what a story, you should post a re-enactment on YouTube, I bet it'll be worth another award.

No Cool Story said...

Oh and I'm glad nothing happened to you.

Syar said...

you must do newspaper delivery people everywhere proud. My dad actually did that as a job when we lvied in the States. He had pride in his ability to withstand dogs and deliver in whatever conditions, be it rain, snow or sleet. But he drove a station wagon, which is nowhere near as acool as your truck.

And hey, ninja moves are still ninja moves. Props to ya.

emma jo said...

sooo funny...er, brave. I envy your quick thinking and cat-like-speed reflexes. Anyone that could resemble Chris Farley is a friend of mine.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

on the run- I got stung on my hand by a yellow jacket last summer while at a recycling bin. Trying to help nature while being attacked by nature. Oh, the irony! We once killed one of those big tree roach thingies with a can of Pledge furniture polish. It was a disgusting task but at least our roach friend smelled lemony fresh.

And.....while at a convenience store, my oldest daughter and I opened the door to get out just as the biggest wasp in Texas (for some reason I'm singing "The Biggest Wasp In Texas" to the tune of Restless Heart's "The Bluest Eyes In Texas" Weird.)flew into our open truck window. Lauren and I started screaming and jumped out, only to have the wasp fly out after us, so then we jumped back into the truck and again it followed us. This screaming and getting in and out of the truck lasted about five minutes before the wasp got bored with us and flew away. When we looked up there was the Coke delivery guy, Ozarka delivery guy, and various customers watching us and laughing. It was so humiliating until Lauren turned to them with a big smile and waved, "Hope you enjoyed the show folks. We'll be here all week!!!!"

elasticwaistbandlady said...

NCS, SYAR, and EMMA JO-

I didn't want to reveal my top secret new self-defense program I'm working on yet, but I will tell you that it combines the intensity of ancient martial arts with newspaper flinging. Forget about Mace, ladies, just make sure that you're armed and ready at all times with a newspaper for each hand. I'm starting training very soon where I'll allow my students to learn from the best. That would be me, the Grand Paper Poobah, by accompanying me on my route to build their upper body strength and proper paper warfare techniques. Are you guys interested in joining my DOJO?(That stands for DOnut JOy)

SYAR- I imagine your dad in a similar position as us with little kids and attending college. Papi graduates next semester and that could spell the end for my paper career. Oh, detestable day. NOT! You dad may be manlier than me though because I don't have to contend with snowy Indiana winters.

jams o donnell said...

Way to send the Pit Bull packing ewbl.. Really it beats me that i) anyone would want a Pit Bull, ii) why on earth they would let one roam free...

I am fine though.. I have my tribe of demon kitties to protect me.. Mimi with her war face would strike terror in the soul of a Siberian Tiger!

Rhonda said...

Way to go! It's weird how many crazed dogs we have here in Houston. Glad you kicked one's a**! :)

christo said...

We tend to chuck, rather than throw, our newspapers. It's all skill you see, if you chuck it right you might land the paper on someone's head and you can say it was an accident. I'll be the most irritating newspaper thrower in America.

If you people will accept me that is. Tee hee!

elasticwaistbandlady said...

What you need is a paper flinging stunt double, jams, to protect you in times of crisis!

Hello Rhonda! The name that launched a thousand Beach Boys record plays on ye olde jukebox! I like dogs, just not in the middle of the night while they are looking to tear a perfectly sweet paper carrier to shreds.

christo! I unconditionally accept you with or without paper chucking skills. I don't aim for people, usually metal real estate signs that make a satisfying GONG!!! sound when struck.

Elizabeth-W said...

When my brother had his paper route, he had to regularly combat skunks. Some Sunday Chronicles might have made for a good fan if he started swinging them fast enough.

carronin said...

Like I said before I delivered papers for six years. I had a rural route mostly farms and such.I ran over countless number of animals deer, racoons, a dog, cats, fox, rabbits mostly. One night I must have startled this one rabbit because it jumped five feet in the air and hit my wind shield scared the holy crap out of me. But it wasn't as bad as the time when a bat flew into my car.