We seemed to have loads of it while visiting the Natural Bridge Wildlife Ranch last week. Animals could barely resist our Infidel allure! Or maybe it could all be attributed to the little overpriced bags of chunky brown feed sold to us that my kids lovingly referred to as "Poop Pellets".
We paid THREE WHOLE DOLLARS for a glossy and colorful animal guide brochure so that we could identify the various species while on our grand drive thru safari expedition. We only glanced at the pictures, and didn't bother to read the text. Big mistake. Thinking that zebras belong to the gentle, docile horse family, we pulled alongside their herd and started feeding them the much adored Poop Pellets. Then, like a nightmarish episode of "Zebras Gone Wild" they started crowding around and sticking their heads into the windows. At one point, I had three zebra heads nudging me simultaneously. Apparently, I wasn't fast enough dishing out the feed because the zebra pictured above bit my arm. You heard me, he BIT my arm! Panicked, I threw the whole bag of food at them, and stepped on the gas (staying within the posted 10 MPH) all the while screaming like a little girl. The kids laughed uproariously at me. We just read today in our trusty brochure, a week later, that zebras are to be considered "very aggressive." Hello? Stating the obvious! Like Spiderman after bitten by an arachnid, I'm starting to display a few disturbing symptoms too. I couldn't control the impulse to buy those ultra tacky zebra print car seat covers at Target, and I watch that wretched movie, "Racing Stripes" on a daily basis while thumping my chest and proudly proclaiming, "That's my herd." I aggressively bit Papi on the arm this afternoon when he took too long preparing my grilled cheese. What have I become??!????!?? Luckily, I look really good in black and white stripes.
We had this little beauty eating right out of the palm of our hands! The extremely friendly African Addax ate the Poop Pellets right up and clamored for more. Check out the rapier sharp points on the twisted horns. We kept enough distance to ensure that none of my precious children would end up shish-kabobed.
Don't let this long legged lovely fool you with those gorgeous fringe lashed eyes, she's as mean as they come. We didn't read the warning about the aggressive nature of the ostrich either. Everything went well feeding them until they started sticking their tubelike necks into the van with us. Sunbum and I felt intimidated by a flock of them, and frantically rolled up our windows much to the chagrin of one ostrich in particular who reacted by squawking loudly, flapping her ample plumage around, and pecking at all the windows and doors. What did we do? Did we face down the wild beast with a countenance of steely courage? No. We screamed hysterically until the ostrich feeding frenzy subsided. I had a lot to panic about considering we were cruising around in a rental van that my $300.00 security deposit was completely contingent on returning it in an undamaged state. How could I possibly explain ostrich beak peck marks all over it?
We saw bison, longhorns, llamas galore, rhinoceros, giraffes, lemurs, antelopes, and things that I can't pronounce nor spell. We only fed the animals that seemed non-threatening. I mean, look how well that theory worked with the zebras. This emu felt particularly attracted to us not only because we held the key to a bountiful supply of glorious Poop Pellets, but also due to our Panic! At The Disco CD playing at a high decibel. It's a little known fact that EMU's love EMO's.
This little goat broke through my security line, and viciously attacked my new ten dollar Wal-Mart hooded jacket. Have you ever eaten deliciously spiced chivo (goat meat) on tortilla? I have! By the way, yes! that is Mr. Jim shoes you see in the picture. Oh so very comfortable. It hugs me tight, just like Mr. Jim's prison cellmates.
Disclaimer: We do not actually own any Panic! At The Disco CD's, neither Fall Out Boy, Snow Patrol, Arctic Monkeys, Hoobastank, or any of the other little poseur bands to come along in the past few years.