Saturday, October 28, 2006

Animal Magnetism..........

We seemed to have loads of it while visiting the Natural Bridge Wildlife Ranch last week. Animals could barely resist our Infidel allure! Or maybe it could all be attributed to the little overpriced bags of chunky brown feed sold to us that my kids lovingly referred to as "Poop Pellets".

We paid THREE WHOLE DOLLARS for a glossy and colorful animal guide brochure so that we could identify the various species while on our grand drive thru safari expedition. We only glanced at the pictures, and didn't bother to read the text. Big mistake. Thinking that zebras belong to the gentle, docile horse family, we pulled alongside their herd and started feeding them the much adored Poop Pellets. Then, like a nightmarish episode of "Zebras Gone Wild" they started crowding around and sticking their heads into the windows. At one point, I had three zebra heads nudging me simultaneously. Apparently, I wasn't fast enough dishing out the feed because the zebra pictured above bit my arm. You heard me, he BIT my arm! Panicked, I threw the whole bag of food at them, and stepped on the gas (staying within the posted 10 MPH) all the while screaming like a little girl. The kids laughed uproariously at me. We just read today in our trusty brochure, a week later, that zebras are to be considered "very aggressive." Hello? Stating the obvious! Like Spiderman after bitten by an arachnid, I'm starting to display a few disturbing symptoms too. I couldn't control the impulse to buy those ultra tacky zebra print car seat covers at Target, and I watch that wretched movie, "Racing Stripes" on a daily basis while thumping my chest and proudly proclaiming, "That's my herd." I aggressively bit Papi on the arm this afternoon when he took too long preparing my grilled cheese. What have I become??!????!?? Luckily, I look really good in black and white stripes.

We had this little beauty eating right out of the palm of our hands! The extremely friendly African Addax ate the Poop Pellets right up and clamored for more. Check out the rapier sharp points on the twisted horns. We kept enough distance to ensure that none of my precious children would end up shish-kabobed.

Don't let this long legged lovely fool you with those gorgeous fringe lashed eyes, she's as mean as they come. We didn't read the warning about the aggressive nature of the ostrich either. Everything went well feeding them until they started sticking their tubelike necks into the van with us. Sunbum and I felt intimidated by a flock of them, and frantically rolled up our windows much to the chagrin of one ostrich in particular who reacted by squawking loudly, flapping her ample plumage around, and pecking at all the windows and doors. What did we do? Did we face down the wild beast with a countenance of steely courage? No. We screamed hysterically until the ostrich feeding frenzy subsided. I had a lot to panic about considering we were cruising around in a rental van that my $300.00 security deposit was completely contingent on returning it in an undamaged state. How could I possibly explain ostrich beak peck marks all over it?

We saw bison, longhorns, llamas galore, rhinoceros, giraffes, lemurs, antelopes, and things that I can't pronounce nor spell. We only fed the animals that seemed non-threatening. I mean, look how well that theory worked with the zebras. This emu felt particularly attracted to us not only because we held the key to a bountiful supply of glorious Poop Pellets, but also due to our Panic! At The Disco CD playing at a high decibel. It's a little known fact that EMU's love EMO's.

This little goat broke through my security line, and viciously attacked my new ten dollar Wal-Mart hooded jacket. Have you ever eaten deliciously spiced chivo (goat meat) on tortilla? I have! By the way, yes! that is Mr. Jim shoes you see in the picture. Oh so very comfortable. It hugs me tight, just like Mr. Jim's prison cellmates.

Disclaimer: We do not actually own any Panic! At The Disco CD's, neither Fall Out Boy, Snow Patrol, Arctic Monkeys, Hoobastank, or any of the other little poseur bands to come along in the past few years.


Becky said...

haha! i love the natural bridge wildlife reserve. i should have warned you about the zebras. i went with my cousin three years ago, and after they attacked her in a similar fashion, causing her to rip open the poop pellet bag and send animal feed flying, i was vacuuming up pellets from under my passenger seat for months.

did youse guys go to the caverns, as well?

Syar said...

what would be your superhero zebra name? would you have increased newspaper delivery powers? I bet you would.

Mimo said...

I'm so sorry... I am rolling with laughter here. (You poor thing about being bit though, that's not funny). The Ostrich got me going, and only because I can relate... my dh got bit by one while feeding it an icecream cone, sans ice cream. It had his whole hand in it's beak!

No Cool Story said...

That emu is so scary!, it might show up in my nightmares, What a freaky looking thing.
I love it that your kids were laughing at you, oh those little infidels!

Mr. Jim sandals in action!, yes!

Zebrawoman? Stripygirl? Have you thought of a suitable superhero name? What kind of powers are you getting since you were bitten by the zebra...wait a minute!, was the zebra radioactive? That’s a must to get super-hero powers you know?

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Becky- I didn't think that my 3 year old could keep up walking on the cavern tour, and I certainly didn't want to lug her around perilous inclines, and slopes. We used to go to the Caverns pretty often when I was a kid, and the tour guide held up one of the rocks and told us that they once used the powdery stuff on it as an ingredient in makeup, and deodorant. I took one of the loose rocks lying around, and I used to rub it on my face and armpits. Being a nerd is such a sad life to lead.

SYAR and NCS! I've decided to use my superhuman powers for good and open up a dating service. Using my newfound ultra equine sensing abilities, I can now tell men apart, who's a stallion, and who's just an ass. Saving women from crappy relationships, and telling them when zebra striped tights go on sale!

mimo- There's a reason the signs said to keep your vehicle doors closed and your hands inside at all times. My Mom always gets spit on by llamas. She avoids all petting zoos now due to her post traumatic llama spit stress disorder. She couldn't finish watching Napoleon Dynamite either because seeing Tina induced a mini-llama freakout spell.

jams o donnell said...

Is it a Horse? Is it a Burro? No! It's Zebra woman and her trusty side kick Quagga girl!

nana nana nana nana Zebra!

Lianne said...

"That's my herd."

Sill laughing about that one.

Radioactive Jam said...

I thought for sure I was going to read that "one ostrich in particular" was squawking because you caught it by the neck when you rolled up the windows.

Other than that bit of mild disappointment, I thoroughly enjoyed the post. Well, not the part about you getting bit. That wasn't funny at all. Not even a little. I'm sure I was laughing about something else when I read about your screaming.

Also, conspicuous in their absence: monkeys. I for one wasn't fooled.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

jams- Ze Bra! is what I lovingly nicknamed my brassiere.

RAJ- lemurs are similar to monkeys, but I noticed that they were caged. To protect us all from monkey specied mischief, I'm sure! I have a bruise to show for my zebra biting incident, and a new understanding of keeping distance from unpredictable wild animals.

Rhonda said...

I've always wondered what that place is like...I see the signs every time we are headed somewhere in Central TX. Now I REALLY want to go! Bring on the zebras.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

That's right lianne, my herd where we only listen to Michael Jackson's classic ditty, "Black And White". We talk about deep issues like if a zebra wore a zebra printed bra would it be called Zee Bra Of The Zebra? We diabolically plot ways to harrass people out of their food too......yes, that's my herd indeed.

rhonda- You should go, but only in zebra camouflage. I see lots of skin tight zebra stuff on fat, middle aged women, so it can't be too hard to find. You'll be incognito, and infiltrate their zebra crime network. The zebras will recognize you as one of their own, and share their Poop Pellets with you too.