Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Life Really Is Like A Bowl Of Cherries....

But I'm Happy With The Pits!

My husband Papi is most assuredly a delightful man from head to toe, but there remains one part of him that stands out from the rest. His armpits.

I'm going to admit it right here and now, others may be "Naughty By Nature" but I'm definitely stinky by nature. I'd be the first contestant voted off of "Survivor", for sure, because devoid of my beauty routine of extra strength deodorant, mouthwash, and anti-bacterial body soap, I'm a one woman olfactory assault force. Sometimes, I move from the shower to putting on my clothes and I catch an underarm whiff so offensive it makes me gag. I occasionally double and triple layer my deodorant too. Think that's bad? My Great-Grandma was bathed once a week before she passed away in Hospice, using Listerine to kill the bacterial skunkiness. Wanna know something even worse? My Mom and I both have special "butt towels" that we place on the drivers seat of our vehicles to absorb sweaty booty stench. It's a family thing. Just like Fiddler On The Roof, it's "Tradition!"

Papi, by contrast, is a sweet smelling soul. Even perspiring in Houston heat and 100 percent humidity doesn't penetrate his bubble of heavenly scented goodness. Never has he lifted up his arms to reveal an insidious green sweat patch staining his shirts either. Not even one time. The man is a Prince among men, and our marriage is further proof that opposites attract. But there's more, oh so much more to his armpits than just the naturally built in stink shield.

We experienced the joy and wonder of giving birth to colicky babies, so in the ensuing effort to comfort them, Papi would gently rock and cradle the baby in his armpit, where they would promptly quiet down and fall immediately to sleep. Many a night finds my Papi with a sick child or a fat wife nestled into his irresistible armpit. With 7 of us though, those pits are in high demand. We started referring to this strange phenomena as "Papi And His Magical Armpits." Behold the power of the pit, for it transcends even family bonds. Papi took his magical armpit public a few years ago (check NASDAQ listings for more info.) to his workplace. A bunch of his co-workers had squalling infants and newborns that they would bring to the office to show off. Being the only male, they assumed that it would be a bit awkward to offer Papi a chance to hold their babies, but he proved them wrong. Whenever the various infants would cry, Papi confidently held them in his magical armpits and miraculously EVERY SINGLE TIME the babies instantly clammed up and relaxed to the point of drifting off to sleep. Papi was heralded throughout the office for his amazing magical armpit skills. He's made armpit appearances at Church functions and other events too, leaving all those in attendance in abject awe and pit jealousy. The United States should feel proud having won this man away from his native Mexico, he's practically a national treasure!

Yes, all you feminists, marriage really is the pits, and I say "Praise Be!" Oh, what a PITy for all those that desire my Papi though, tough. Him and his pits are mine, all MINE. Forget about Brad Pitt, Papi PIT is where it's at!


No Cool Story said...

OMGosh Elastic. BWAHAHAHA!
-OAF="Olfactory Assault Force"
-Butt towels...Tradition!
-Papi Pits
Glad to know Mexico exported a true asset to the World, National Treasure and the ying to your yang.

Wanna know something even worse? , Oh please no, I think I already know way to much about you

Mimo said...

I am so envious of you now. Brilliant kids, Papi Pitts, van that turns men's heads... what more could a woman ask for?

carronin said...

I cannot say that my man's armpits are magical but he naturally smells really good. I'll ask him what cologne are you wearing and he'll say "nothing" I'd like to bottle his "nothing" and sell it. We'd be rich.Unfortunatly my 14yr.old didn't inherit his dad's good smell, he reeks!

elasticwaistbandlady said...

You doth protesteth too much, NCS. Hey, have I ever told you about my hideous post birth hemorrhoids? No? Well, maybe that'll be the topic of my next post.

mimo, Peace On Earth, Goodwill Towards Men, and a lifetime supply of chocolate.

Welcome to my little blog of horrors, carronin! Papi may not suffer with bouts of B.O. like me, but he makes up for it whenever he removes his shoes. Phew! I'm working on a theory that everybody has stink glands but they don't all secrete from the same location. Mine are in my pits, whereas the greater sum of all Papi's bodily stench comes from the soles of his feet.

Radioactive Jam said...

Does a butt towel ever get washed and if so, does it go in a separate load? Or does it become one with the seat and never leave the car? Come to think of it, maybe that's the mysterious appeal factor of your van...

Your Papi is most fortunate to have such impressive moisture control. A rare gift indeed.

But one thing in particular puzzles me here: "green sweat patch." Green?!

SalGal said...

Thank God I haven't eaten yet... good thing I wasn't drinking either, I might need a towel for the diet coke coming out my nose and what if I accidentally grabbed a butt-towel??

on.the.run said...

I can totally ralate. My husband, while not having 'magical armpits' has armpits that don't stink, whilst I sweat up a storm. I never use to sweat like this, it all happened when I turned 30. Poor Simon never smells and he has to put up with all my odors.

Once when I was a kid and visiting my stepgrandparents in south dakota, following my shower I used a towell which turned out to be my grandma's sweat towell... that is a scent that I will never never forget.

Lianne said...

sweaty booty stench

That has to go down as one wicked "visual".

You are so hilarious.

jams o donnell said...

That which we call a pit by any other name would smell as sweet.... You are a lucky woman ewbl!!

Me I have a nice little income selling my pit stink off as an incapacitant... no need for a taser when there is parfum de bouche pauvre!

Gloria Glo said...

Now that's called "finding a keeper." Way to go!

And don't be offended if I don't sit by you on a bus sometime. It's just that I'm a little scared of you now....

P.S. You've been nominated for a totally useless Blog God award. Check out
http://1gloriousconundrum.blogspot.com/ this coming Friday to see if you've already won a completely nonsensical, made-up-by-me Blog God.**

**Awards cannot be considered prizes and need not be claimed on your income tax. Just another benefit brought by Glo,Inc.

No Cool Story said...

Congrats on your nomination Elastic, you are on your way to untold Fame and Fortune.

Theoretical Grammatarian said...

I haven't been on blogger in far, far too long and have just spent a wonderful hour catching up on the exploits of the Smiling Infidel! Thanks for the many, many laughs!

Thoroughly Mormon Millie said...

Um, you need to bottle Papi's armpit smell, and Papi and the Magical Armpits sounds like a children's book (however bizarre) waiting to make millions.

Thoroughly Mormon Millie said...

P.S. I want to know where you got pictures of our last family reunion.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

RAJ- Haven't you ever seen men in their white dress shirts and their pits get so sweaty and fetid that it turns a pale shade of green? You haven't? What a pure and sheltered life you've led, RAJ!

salgal-Confucius say,"He who wipe face with butt towel will smell like butt towel."

on the run- Just the visual made me laugh out loud. Thankfully, it wasn't in Smell-O-Vision.

lianne- Remember those Palmolive commercials with Madge? "Sweaty Booty Scent......you're soaking in it!"

jams- If Pepe LePew ever turns gay, you better watch your back cause he'll be all over you!

GLO- Finally someone is recognizing me for the useless crap that I'm spreading all around on a world wide scale. GO ME! I'm very honored that I even made it into your considerations for such a prestigious award. Perhaps I pass the criteria for a special "Flatulence Obsessed" trophy?

(((THEO))))!!!! Oh, how joyous a day when the prodigal blogger returns home! I'll be stopping by your place shortly to see what the latest is on you and the cutest squishy cheeked baby, Thomas.

Millie- Well, if they could write, market, and sell "Walter The Farting Dog" as a series, then anything goes in the world of childrens literature these days. Papi and His Magical Pits certainly sounds like an epic adventure novel to me.

jams o donnell said...

Pepe le Pew you say? not too shabby!

omar said...

She's right, NASDAQ symbol PAPI, I just looked it up.

I could have used his pit last week when my kid was sick. I mean, for the kid. I didn' personally need the pit. I needed to borrow it to put my kid in it.

Demosthenes said...

This is just... bleh. I don't even like reading about it, even if his are standout pits. The whole subject is just nasty.

Elizabeth-W said...

EWL-you just slay me! But now I know that if I were in your presence, your humor wouldn't give me time to die laughing because your odor would have knocked me flat first. :)
There are mental illnesses that are culturally based. There is one in Japan in which men worry that their anus is particularly smelly, that other people notice, and they seek medical attention for it because they truly believe there is something medically wrong, and end up in whatever the Japanese equivalent is for treatment for anxiety.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

jams- Oui, oui, mi monsieur amore! The not wife will be displeased to hear that she has competition from a cartoon skunk.

Omar- You're in luck! Pits By Papi Rental franchises are opening up all over America. I'm sure there will be one by you very soon. NASDAQ listing is under P.U.(peeyoo).

elizabeth- I worked with a few Japanese men, now I know what that smell was. It wasn't the wasabi after all!

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Demosthenes- One minute alone in Papi's pit will change your mind forever.