But I'm Happy With The Pits!
My husband Papi is most assuredly a delightful man from head to toe, but there remains one part of him that stands out from the rest. His armpits.
I'm going to admit it right here and now, others may be "Naughty By Nature" but I'm definitely stinky by nature. I'd be the first contestant voted off of "Survivor", for sure, because devoid of my beauty routine of extra strength deodorant, mouthwash, and anti-bacterial body soap, I'm a one woman olfactory assault force. Sometimes, I move from the shower to putting on my clothes and I catch an underarm whiff so offensive it makes me gag. I occasionally double and triple layer my deodorant too. Think that's bad? My Great-Grandma was bathed once a week before she passed away in Hospice, using Listerine to kill the bacterial skunkiness. Wanna know something even worse? My Mom and I both have special "butt towels" that we place on the drivers seat of our vehicles to absorb sweaty booty stench. It's a family thing. Just like Fiddler On The Roof, it's "Tradition!"
Papi, by contrast, is a sweet smelling soul. Even perspiring in Houston heat and 100 percent humidity doesn't penetrate his bubble of heavenly scented goodness. Never has he lifted up his arms to reveal an insidious green sweat patch staining his shirts either. Not even one time. The man is a Prince among men, and our marriage is further proof that opposites attract. But there's more, oh so much more to his armpits than just the naturally built in stink shield.
We experienced the joy and wonder of giving birth to colicky babies, so in the ensuing effort to comfort them, Papi would gently rock and cradle the baby in his armpit, where they would promptly quiet down and fall immediately to sleep. Many a night finds my Papi with a sick child or a fat wife nestled into his irresistible armpit. With 7 of us though, those pits are in high demand. We started referring to this strange phenomena as "Papi And His Magical Armpits." Behold the power of the pit, for it transcends even family bonds. Papi took his magical armpit public a few years ago (check NASDAQ listings for more info.) to his workplace. A bunch of his co-workers had squalling infants and newborns that they would bring to the office to show off. Being the only male, they assumed that it would be a bit awkward to offer Papi a chance to hold their babies, but he proved them wrong. Whenever the various infants would cry, Papi confidently held them in his magical armpits and miraculously EVERY SINGLE TIME the babies instantly clammed up and relaxed to the point of drifting off to sleep. Papi was heralded throughout the office for his amazing magical armpit skills. He's made armpit appearances at Church functions and other events too, leaving all those in attendance in abject awe and pit jealousy. The United States should feel proud having won this man away from his native Mexico, he's practically a national treasure!
Yes, all you feminists, marriage really is the pits, and I say "Praise Be!" Oh, what a PITy for all those that desire my Papi though, tough. Him and his pits are mine, all MINE. Forget about Brad Pitt, Papi PIT is where it's at!