Friday, November 17, 2006

Choose Ye This Day......

a better alias when you start your life over.
I got the golden ticket..........of bad names, anyway! Yes, Miss "Utah Burden" is alive and well, and selling real estate in Texas.

Now, Marie, I understand that your once glowing career has entered a rather lackluster stage. I know that Church people no longer feel that special Mormon connection with you since you went on Oprah, and refused to credit your faith for pulling you through hard times. You've recently been accused of attempting suicide, and your daughters are posing half naked on myspace. However, I'm sure that the entire Osmond family still loves you a lot. You'll always have the opportunity to guest on Hollywood Squares, and you even had a lunch box with your toothy smiled face plastered across it, so why unnecessarily flog yourself with a pseudonym like Utah Burden?

Come on everybody, big hugs for (((Marie)))!

24 comments:

Radioactive Jam said...

This might be the scariest thing I'll see all month. And I had *no clue* who this was until "Osmond," which of course made it even worse.

*shudders*

Elizabeth-W said...

What kind of crazy name is that?!

jams o donnell said...

Marie Osmond an estate agent? I shudder to think what Little Jimmy si calling himself these day.. worse still, I hope he isn't singing "I'll be your bald, fat viagra stud from Liverpool..."

We poor Britons are still reeling from Puppy Love, Crazy Horses and Paper Roses... Many have never recovered!

A Payne said...

I always wanted to be named Siouxsie. I hate my last name. I liked my maiden name better. There I said it, I can't take it back. Then again my moniker wouldn't be that clever with my maiden name and a payne definately fits the persona.

I'm not convinced that is Marie.

Anonymous said...

Ok, so pretty much Everyhting you said about Marie Osmond is false. She credits Everything to her faith, you obviosly Do not pay attention to her, she Did not try to commit suicide, she blacked out from medication she was taking so her husband took her to the hospital, and we do not know what went on with her daughters. I am from Utah, and we Love Marie. I can't believe you would spend your time putting down a woman who has helped millions of children through CMN, and who has helped thousands of women cope with post partum depression. Maybe you should spend your time more wisely.
-Mallory-

elasticwaistbandlady said...

RAJ- What? You don't desire for any of your new grandkids to be named Utah Burden? You're such a hater, RAJ!

elizabeth- Maybe somebody on the welfare rolls in Utah? Thus making them literally a "Utah Burden".

jams- My grandparents went to see the Osmond Brothers perform live at their theater in Branson Missouri. They think the show would have been better with an Andy Williams versus Jimmy Osmond Jello wrestling event to finish the concert.

apayne- You may only be named Siouxsie if you have your own entourage of Banshees following you around. Now, the former warehouse guy where I work was named Richard Payne. Yes. Take the nickname, and what do you have?? Dick Payne! Oh, it burns when I pee! Now, how much do you love your name?

mallory- Dear, perhaps you should spend your time more wisely than being Marie Osmond's unpaid little rah-rah cheerleader, vociferously defending her on an insignificant blog that surely would mean nothing to a person in the public eye, like she is. I saw the appearance on Oprah a few years ago for myself. Marie turned down every opportunity to talk about her faith, although Oprah asked her specifically about her religion helping her in times of strife. She has since left the church. Is this not so? I said she was "accused" of "attempting" suicide, and so she was. Her daughters were found posing in risque positions on myspace, correct? I, in no way maligned Miss Marie. Go wring your hands and let your heart bleed somewhere else. I did nothing wrong.

wendela said...

elastic- yikes, I didn't know the Marie-defenders are policing your blog! Apparently "Mallory" doesn't come by often enough to realize your sense of humor.

I think the "Utah Burden" name is something only you could have linked to Marie.

I still like Marie anyhow. And Jams, look for the Osmond Bros in your neck of the woods with David Cassidy and David Esssex when they're not in Branson..... ;-) I shouldn't know that much about it, should I? I just looked it up- honestly. But I still think Wayne's related to Jimmy Page.

(elastic, where do you find those crazy names?)

A Payne said...

My father-in-laws name is Dick Payne. No joke here. He goes by that too.
When Secret Agent Man and I were married and our dads signed our certificate as the witnesses we found out that they were both named Richard LeRoy. We didn't realize that until the day of our marriage. We had a Saturday's Warriors moment right then and there!

a payne saw marie osmond in concert at the mesa county fair 17 years ago.

compulsive writer said...

What a funny name. I think I'm going to change my name to Provo Affliction.

That's Ms. Provo Affliction to you, thank you.

jams o donnell said...

The Osmonds? Davids Essex AND Cassidy? Showaddywaddy? ARAAARRRGGHHHHHHH!! A 70s Bablyon!


actually if you want a greeat name, try Showaddywaddy's drummer - Romeo Challenger.

His son Ben is an international standard High Jumper, not that the name and the talent are related!

Carrotjello said...

Wow, I'd definately have to change my name after I turned 18. I'd like to know how you know so much about Marie Osmond, elastic. Weren't your her fan club president at one time?

White Man Retarded said...

You know what's funny? My parents watched the Osmond show when I was little, back in the 70s. It came on right before Love Boat. What a cheesy decade. Anyways, Utah burden. What a name. It should be in neon. Heather and I have these friends from Utah...where can I start? According to them, they live in the mission field (Houston, Tx). What the phug? I could go on and on, but for the sake of your regulars' sensibilities I will refrain. Utah is a bubble. I think the MTC should be somewhere else. Anyways...

White Man Retarded said...

Mallory is a Utah Saint, produced on an assembly line...

Mimo said...

LOL!

Hey, did she really leave the church? I hadn't heard that yet.

No Cool Story said...

You were not kidding, wow!
I didn't know your blog was being monitored by Marie's Fans, odd.

All I know about her is:
-When I was little, way back in the 70's, back in Mexico, back in history, back, back... the Osmond s were in the Muppet Show.
-She sells -sold?- dolls in QVC
-She had plastic surgery (Mallory please don't beat me up, I'm just Mexican you see).

So I'll refrain from make uninformed comments since I don't know anything else.

UTAH BURDEN!!!

A Payne said...

Provo Affliction! Lol

Come to think of it, we are refered to as the Fruita Payne's. To differentiate us from the So. Cal Payne's, the Boise Payne's and the St. George Payne's.

FYI: Marvin Payne, the dad from Saturday's Warriors, is my husbands uncle, Dick Payne's brother. True story.

Carrotjello said...

Well, I for one am not ashamed to love Marie. I did send her a nasty note about working on Sundays on her messageboard once, but it quickly got erased, and I got banned, but I still love her. In fact, my sister and I used to do a duet to "Morning Side Of The Mountain", and I always did the Marie part.

Julie said...

I gave up on Marie the day I invited her to my birthday party and she had the nerve to not show up. It broke my little 8 year old heart I tell you.

Utah is only a burden to those who don't like primary songs being sung in Public Schools. I think she should change her name to Zion.

Oh and thanks for the link :)

compulsive writer said...

dear white man,

hate to burst your "bubble," but please don't judge the rest of us people-who-live-in-Utah by Mallory or by your friends either. Truth is, it takes all kinds, and you can find just about any kind, even here in little ole Provo. I could say I'm qualified to say that because I didn't grow up here, but the truth is there are some pretty normal people here who did grow up here, too.

I'm just sayin...

elasticwaistbandlady said...

I didn't know that things would get so contentious around here. :( I just associated someone named "Utah Burden" with some of the unflattering news stories about Marie Osmond, and just saying that she doesn't need to feel like the scourge of Utah now because of her fall from exalted, whitewashed, goody two shoes grace. My mind works in weird ways sometimes.

Maries okay with me. I just don't ever want to own one of her talking dolls though due to past traumatic experiences.

carronin said...

Marie Osmond is a beautiful person inside and out. I know she has problems but don't we all.I watched that stupid celebrity duets show just because she was a judge on it. I loved the Donny and Marie show I cried when it was canceled.I had a Donny and Marie lunch box I wish I still had it. I wonder if I could find one on e-bay.

Rhonda said...

WOW! Who knew Marie Osmond could spark such a debate?

Personally, I feel sorry for the REAL Utah Burden. What kind of name is that? Thanks mom and dad.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Nobody explained to me that Marie Osmond is the official sacred cow symbol of Utah. She's untouchable, and the law stipulates that concerned Utah citizens must hunt down, and bind any Marie naysayers. Then they force them to listen to Paper Roses, and play with Marie dolls for hours.

Luckily, I escaped their clutches in my Osmond proofed underground bunker.

Rhonda said...

Hopefully none of the angry people go to Omar's site and see Donny's head rolling across the screen. ;)