Tuesday, November 07, 2006

No Kinky In Texas

We interrupt Woo Woo Week to bring you the following Election Day Special.
" 1 to the 2, to the 2, to the 3, and baby, do you wanna get KINKY with me?" The answer to that seemed to be a resounding, NO! It's official, the Kinkster couldn't work out the campaign kinks to cinch up an election victory.

I done did it. Yesterday, I voted for the very first Jewish cowboy to ever make an appearance in the hotly contested Texas Gubernatorial race. Yes, that would be the perpetually black Stetson hatted, Mr. Kinky Friedman, but minus his merry band of Texas Jew Boys. What did he have to offer me, an ardent lifelong conservative? His readiness to admit a fair amount of ignorance in state affairs, and his plan to surround himself with the best and the brightest among advisers. Then, he threw in the magical word, "HONEST." Kinky wanted to recruit only the most honest people to work for him and the state. He also wanted to shut down plans for the NAFTA Super Highway that will open a non-stop corridor from Texas to Mexico for foreign semi-trucks to bring in whatever they please to the United States without any of our pesky inspections. Drugs, contraband, smuggling illegal aliens, it's all bueno for incumbent Governor Rick Perry who authorized the deal, and undoubtedly received a little dinero on the side. A "conservative" Republican selling Texas down the drain. Crap! I better start working on my Mexican Hat Dance moves now, and ordering my entire family some brightly colored woven ponchos to match our sombreros. Repeat after me Texans, "Viva Mexico!"

Some facts about Kinky: His group recorded the first and only country song about the Holocaust entitled, "Ride Em' Jewboy", and his biggest musical hits came from the classic ditty "They Ain't Making Jews Like Jesus Anymore", and everyone's favorite (right jams?) "Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In Bed." Think of a countrified version of Weird Al, and add some decent messages to the music, and you have Kinky.

Kinky's a prolific author, having written many books including, "The Love Song Of J. Edgar Hoover." Manly fishnet stockings and high heels not included with book purchase.

He runs an animal sanctuary for abused, stray, and aging animals in Kerrville, Texas. Keith Richards is very much looking forward to retiring to Kinky's Ranch in a few years. Aging party animals, aging animals, whatever....diversity is beautiful!


Kinky produces his very own line of SALSA with his squinty-eyed countenance plastered all across the front of the jar. I've sampled KINKY SAUCE for myself, thanks to a blowout clearance at Kroger's, and found the flavor and zest surprisingly delicious. Preferable on matzo crackers and bagel chips though, of course. Salsa making prowess is the bellwether by which I judge all political candidates. If you ain't saucy, then you ain't winning my vote.

I desperately wanted people to get KINKY with me. My family of staunch Republicans did. My neighbors did. Rick Perry only won with a paltry %38 percent of the vote, so he has to know that people are sick of his crappy cronyism ways. On a positive note, he does have really nice feathered hair, so looking at him in all his photo ops isn't as painful as other candidates. At least now I'll finally realize the opportunity to imperiously inform people complaining about Texas's downward spiral that, "Don't blame me, I just wanted to get KINKY."

21 comments:

omar said...

We didn't get to vote for fun-named guys. Our gubernatorial race included guys with names like "John" and "Elliot."

As long as whoever runs Texas continues production of Texas Toast and Texas Cinnamon Rolls, then they're A-OK by me.

No Cool Story said...

Unkinkyfied
Kinkyless
Dekinked

On the other hand, Texas Toast is still the Governor of Yuminess.

Becky said...

if i were still in texas, i would have voted for kinky. for what it's worth.

Thoroughly Mormon Millie said...

It's sad. The world will have to be a little less Kinky now.

iiistimpylll said...

I AM GAY!!!!
email me!!! IIISTIMPYlll@aol.com

Thoroughly Mormon Millie said...

Hey look everyone. Stimpy is gay.

P.S. I'm happily married and weigh 300 pounds.

Rhonda said...

I voted for Kinky too! I am so sad. :(

Rhonda said...

P.S. I will try to find a sad picture of me to replace this happy face. ----->

:(

jams o donnell said...

I would ahve loved to have seen the Kinkster win, mainly because I love his books, oh and his songs can be really funny - They aint making jews like jesus anymore (a song about knocking the crap out of a bigoted redneck!), asshole from El Paso, Home Erectus, Bicuits, the ballad of charles whitman, we reserve the right to refuse service to you and so on... Others are really heartfelt like Sold American, Ride Em Jewboy ( the only country song about the holocaust?) or his version of the Ballad of Ira Hayes.

Ah well so there is no political career. I must try and get a kinky talking action figure!

Gloria Glo said...

While I always gave him kudos for cleverness, I also felt I was watching Toby Keith videos done up election style.

IIIstimpylll said...

I love being GAY!! Email me and let's talk about what I love to do. YAY FOR GAYS!!!!

No Cool Story said...

Must not feed the trolls.
Must. Not.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

omar- Our biggest export is the Texas Two-Step, and we won't stop until we conquer all of New York!

NCS-Somewhere Toni Braxton is sadly crooning, "UNKINK my heart, but say you'll run againnnnn."

becky- Yet another reason for you to come back to texas. :)

millie- Don't worry, we don't have Kinky, but I hear that Justin Timberlake is bringing "sexy back" all on his own.

gay stimpy- Does Ren know?

millie- Me too! Well, I missed my after noon snack, and now I dropped down to 299 pounds. Don't hate me because I'm skinnier than you, k?

Rhonda- You were supposed to bring out your KINKY POSSE to take over this election? What the frick happened??!!!?? :( Sadly, I have no posse, and I influence no one, but you, Rhonda are special. You actually touched Helen Thomas, and lived to tell the tale!

jams- Kinky talking figures? I don't even want to know where the pull string is placed on those!

glo!-Yeah, but the man wrote those himself instead of hiring all kinds of big name ad firms. I think old Kinky could take Toby in a barroom brawl too. Look at him, the man is weathered and leathery like a Kosher crocodile.

NCS- Awwwwww, but trolls have to eat too. I still have some Tater Tot Casserole left over from last week if you want some, gay stimpy.

carrotjello said...

I...I...can't think of anything clever to write, but I didn't want to just lurk for days either. Sorry.

iiistimpylll said...

tater tot casserole!!!! WOOOOOOO!!!! gay gay gay.. its just so fun to say!!! say it with me .. GAY!!! YIPEEE!!!!

No Cool Story said...

Elastic: sorry my friend, trolls don't eat people food. They feed on word carcasses, thrown to them by innocent passerbys.

I blame Demos.
See? just like that ;-)

Gloria Glo said...

Is it wrong to engage a fantasy of Toby and Kinky...yes. Most definitely yes.

carronin said...

That reminds me of when I convinced my whole family to vote for Ross Pero.My hubby and my Dad still mad at me for that.I love that guy.Just imagine where our country would be at today if he were president.
" The deficet is like the crazy Aunt that lives in your basement, Everyone knows she's there but no one wants to talk about it."

carronin said...

I just went to KINKY FOR GOVEERNOR web page and read his top ten reasons to elect Kinky. If I lived in Texas I would have voted for him.I liked #6 Kinky definatly needs to "de-wussify" Texas.

Stimpy said...

So what is everyone's opinion on Gays like me. I'M GAY!! Just recently came out. Yippie. YEAH FOR GAYS!!!!

elasticwaistbandlady said...

glo- Toby would inevitably start waving around the American flag thus distracting himself from the fight long enough for Kinky to K.O. him. That is, if Kinky can put his cigar down long enough to brawl.

carronin- Ross Perot! LOLLOLLOLLOL! Yeah, back in the day, my Grandma worked on his campaign here in Texas. This was before he went all nutso, though. That was my first election to vote in after turning 18. I didn't vote for Perot. I'm on a personal mission to de-wussify Texas too. I say we ban all Kodak commercials because they make me sob like a little girl.

gay stimpy!- You should move to Texas. Our closets are much bigger here than in California. :) Sometimes I say that I feel gay too. That would be when I'm playing the part of Maria from West Side Story. "I feel Pretty, oh, so pretty. I feel pretty, and witty, and GAAAAYYYYYY!"