Thursday, November 09, 2006

MY MOM+ME=DOUBLE TROUBLE

I'm not really a country music fan, but Mr. Travis Tritt seems to have recorded the most apt theme song for my Mom and I, "T-R-O-U-B-L-E."

Back in my younger and decidedly more feisty days, I used to pull some really immature shenanigans. Not the least of which involved insubordination in the workplace, rendering my unscrupulous employer, a very irritated man. He didn't fire me, because he knew the job sucked, and that he'd have a hard time finding a replacement due to his certified cheating pig status. He also happened to know my Mommy Dearest from many years past. After one particular incident, where I innocently tried to cajole fellow employees into joining me in a mutinous battle to fight for more compensation for our heavier work load during the holiday season, my boss lividly screamed in my face, "You and your Mom both, are nothing but a couple of troublemakers." I still wear that like a shiny troublemaking badge of honor! My Mom and I should have long ago reached our "older and wiser" phase, but we both trotted out our worst behaviour during this latest election cycle.

My Mom's best friend is a flaming liberal, so extreme that she's the kind to make threats about Presidential assassination. Dear old Mom has to gently remind this clueless creature to shut her loud mouth in public, or they'll both end up getting a body cavity search by men in black. Most likely they won't be felt up by smokin hot agents that look like Will Smith either. Knowing full well that her friends straight ticket Democratic vote would cancel out her own straight Republican ballot (except KINKY!), my Mom exaggeratedly told her friend about how the lines had gotten so long for the polling booths that people were spilling out onto the sidewalks, and snaking around the building. My Mom just went on and on about what a hassle it is to vote, and that her friend should just forget about it since it would make her late for work. I guess the force of civic duty just isn't strong within my mother's friend, because solely based on someone else's word, she gave up, and resigned her chance to make her voice heard. Republicans largely swept our district. I suppose the ACLU is going to investigate my Mom now for "disenfranchising" a local voter.

One of my Houston Chronicle customers lives in a "la di da" gated community, and she recently ran and won a Texas State Representative Seat for our district. Sadly, she didn't orchestrate a clean campaign, and our local community newspaper busted her last week. They ran a scathing front page story showing her campaign workers stealing the opponent's signs. Everybody receives the community newspaper since it's free, and non-subscriber based, with the exception of gated areas. I'm so very wicked, because I know the gate codes. I had some extra community newspapers left over from my route, and then I willfully made sure to throw every single one of this lady's neighbors the newspaper headlining her cheating exploits in big, scarlet letters. Yes, it took additional time, and energy out of my day, but imagining this politico chick staring down at herself featured in a scandalous story, and knowing that all her society "peeps" would see it too, felt immensely satisfying.

My T-R-O-U-B-L-E making days have begun anew. YEE HAW!

12 comments:

jams o donnell said...

Are you sure you aren't a closet anarchist. ewbl???

Radioactive Jam said...

At least your mom limited her persuasion tactics to the verbal realm. Saw a blurb about some poll worker - in Kentucky I think but not positive - arrested for choking a voter.

Is this a great country or what?

Gloria Glo said...

Wow. Voter fraud and trespassing. I love this country!

Go you and your mom.

No Cool Story said...

Is it really voter fraud if all you said was that the lines where too long and you shouldn’t bother and the other person does it? I'd rather call it Voter Disinformation. The fact that the Lefty friend decided not to go was all up to her.
(kinda like those people that get that phone call about Election day being changed to November 8th and believe it, well what can I say? Bet if they get an e-mail from a Nigerian Widow they'd fall over that one too.)

I'm with radioactive jam, your mom use her verbal troublemaking skills, no physical or threatening (which I of course have a problem with).

Some people, like Anonymous, might have something to say about you dissing la di da State rep.
I, on the other hand, welcome our new troublemaking overlords.

Rhonda said...

Hmmm....if I had more energy this evening, I would try to figure out who you are speaking of.

And P.S. I have been meaning to ask where all these creepy neighborhoods in your stories are located. We might be moving to the West side soon and I want to steer clear!

Chris said...

I was sneezing uncontrollably before I read your blog and now I why! Country music! My dad used to tor..I mean, serenade me with country songs about "how my darlin' left me fer tat cowboy down the hill."

I've been scarred ever since.

A Payne said...

Newspaper carrier justice is too sweet, it just can't be true.

Why can't I find videotape of my enemies shop lifting?

It seems like everyone around me gets away with outrageous behavior. I would love for a few of them to suffer some public censure.

Mimo said...

ROFL! I love it! You guys aren't trouble, you're righteous!
You know... it's ok, the Dem's totally understand the meaning of "the end justifies the means" ;) they do it all the time.

Elizabeth-W said...

So has anyone pegged you as the guilty party yet???

elasticwaistbandlady said...

jams- Yes! You figured me out. I have my anarchy bumper sticker firmly stuck on the back of my mini van.

RAJ- I'm a lover, not a fighter. Although, lucky for me, instigating trouble falls outside the realm of fighting.

glo- Trespassing is a bit harsh a charge, I prefer to think of it as doing a public service to let voters know all the issues before going to the polls. I'm a patriot, glo!

NCS- The state rep, is a person on "our side". Political affiliation is starting to mean less and less to me though, I just want honest, conservative leadership regardless of the party.

rhonda!- Are you jumping on the trendy bandwagon and heading out to Katy? Ground zero for Houston creepiness seems to be rooted in historic downtown and around the northside, close to Tomball.

christo- Quoting an old Donny and Marie song, "Your dad's a little bit country, and you're a little bit rock n roll!"

a payne- You're new around here and have missed some detailed accounts of justice done the paper carrier way. There's many more I haven't written yet, mainly because I feel ashamed at my own immaturity.

mimo- I didn't want to go too politically crazy, but you know when crap happens to Republican voters, they're just supposed to suck it up, and move on. When it happens to Dems though, it turns into a grand conspiracy complete with formal investigations into voter disenfranchisement. Can you believe Virginia chose an amateur pornographer over the conservative, family friendly candidate, George Allen? :O Big trouble ahead, my friend.

elizabeth- No. But then I operate my own newspaper ring of terror where we honor a code of silence.

carronin said...

You know it EWL what happens on the route stays on the route.

Rhonda said...

HA! No, not the trendy bandwagon. It's the desire to be closer to my parents so we can take better advantage of some free babysitting. (The drive to Pearland seems to put them off!)