Super happy bloggy friend, No Cool Story, tagged me for a "Really, You're Not WEIRD" MEME, awhile back, and I discovered that my odd little idiosyncrasies may not all fit into a neat little column of ten.
1. It grosses me out to see parents kissing their kids on the lips. We always kiss our kids on their face cheeks (I felt the need to clarify), and they reciprocate in same.
2. When we drive past dogs in the street, I can't help but scream out the window to them, "Wassup Dawgs???!!!??"
3. After hours of practice, I can move my boobs like Shakira. No, I didn't let my kids watch that sultry video, but every time we've ever seen her perform in live concert clips, she rotates her bosom in a clockwise pattern while staring down at them. It's freaky, and now I can do it too, much to the amusement and dismay of my daughters. Now, if I could lose a bunch of weight, and sing like a bleating goat, maybe I can be a superstar like her too. Bring on the black body oil, it's time to get greazy!
4. I cannot be responsible for cringing and not feigning enthusiasm at the crappy baby name you have selected to curse, um, I mean "bless" your child with. Little Sparkle'Lynn Nikole, and the so tastefully named Aryan Justice(posing without baby's first white hooded robe), and the others I've seen like Nevaeh(Heaven spelled backwards. Barf.), and Million'z A Dolla'z (site now password protected), won't have a shot at a decent life because they'll inevitably be judged upfront based on their illiterate, and offensive names.
5. I obsessively count the number of letters in words. I'll run words through my mind all day, mentally counting the letters, and making additional notes for the number of vowels. Maybe elizabeth can tell me why I do that?
6. I don't care for anti-American Americans. Like my little talk show friend, Larry Elder always says, "Pick a better country, and move there!"
7. You know how some people feel an immediate attraction to another person just by looking at their eyes, butt, bank statement, whatever? I love big noses, and I cannot lie! I once dated a guy just because he looked like disgraced former Governor, Michael Dukakis with bushy eyebrows, and everything. They can't be smushy noses either, and crooked bump noses need not apply. The noses have to be of a classic Roman style, just like my Papi's. Black hair is also a plus.
8. Whenever I spy beans on sale at the store I excitedly tell my kids, "You can never have too many friends or too many beans!" Then I usually add, "But if you eat too many beans, you won't have too many friends." Oh, how my children love to go grocery shopping with me!
9. I'm named after a Barry Manilow song. That's right, so the next time you hear "Could It Be Magic", and Barry croons tenderly, "Sweet Melissa, angel of my lifetime", just think of me. Don't you even pretend that you don't own any Barry CD's, you big, fat liars! I know every single stinkin word to "Copacabana", and I'm not ashamed about it either. Alas, I don't wear yellow feathers in my hair, neither a dress cut down to there.
10. I'm just like No Cool Story in that I have to have my hot foods HOT, not lukewarm. Comestibles also must stay in their separate little places on my plate. I actually bought a set of divided plates just for that purpose, so that try as it may, the gravy cannot sneak across the border and invade the small but happy land of the green peas. I'll go one further though, I have to scrutinize every bite I take. You may start singing that Police song now, "Every bite I take, every burp I make, I'll be watching you." I don't know how people can stare at the T.V., or read the paper while eating. NO! I must look at my food. I don't like lip smackin people, neither finger lickin good people. I don't care what the Colonel says, licking your fingers is nasty, so don't make me beat you with my family pack of napkins from Sam's Club, okay? Let's lump inconsiderate cows who crack their gum into the mix too, shall we? Sometimes I think there's a conspiratorial plot afoot to drive me crazy, because everytime I'm in line or stuck in a waiting room, a gum cracker will stand right next to me. God, grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change.
Added Bonus: I still slide through the house while wearing socks ala Tom Cruise, except I'm fully clothed and not prancing around in my underwear.