Monday, November 13, 2006

You Say I'm WEIRD, Like That's A Bad Thing

Super happy bloggy friend, No Cool Story, tagged me for a "Really, You're Not WEIRD" MEME, awhile back, and I discovered that my odd little idiosyncrasies may not all fit into a neat little column of ten.

1. It grosses me out to see parents kissing their kids on the lips. We always kiss our kids on their face cheeks (I felt the need to clarify), and they reciprocate in same.

2. When we drive past dogs in the street, I can't help but scream out the window to them, "Wassup Dawgs???!!!??"

3. After hours of practice, I can move my boobs like Shakira. No, I didn't let my kids watch that sultry video, but every time we've ever seen her perform in live concert clips, she rotates her bosom in a clockwise pattern while staring down at them. It's freaky, and now I can do it too, much to the amusement and dismay of my daughters. Now, if I could lose a bunch of weight, and sing like a bleating goat, maybe I can be a superstar like her too. Bring on the black body oil, it's time to get greazy!

4. I cannot be responsible for cringing and not feigning enthusiasm at the crappy baby name you have selected to curse, um, I mean "bless" your child with. Little Sparkle'Lynn Nikole, and the so tastefully named Aryan Justice(posing without baby's first white hooded robe), and the others I've seen like Nevaeh(Heaven spelled backwards. Barf.), and Million'z A Dolla'z (site now password protected), won't have a shot at a decent life because they'll inevitably be judged upfront based on their illiterate, and offensive names.

5. I obsessively count the number of letters in words. I'll run words through my mind all day, mentally counting the letters, and making additional notes for the number of vowels. Maybe elizabeth can tell me why I do that?

6. I don't care for anti-American Americans. Like my little talk show friend, Larry Elder always says, "Pick a better country, and move there!"

7. You know how some people feel an immediate attraction to another person just by looking at their eyes, butt, bank statement, whatever? I love big noses, and I cannot lie! I once dated a guy just because he looked like disgraced former Governor, Michael Dukakis with bushy eyebrows, and everything. They can't be smushy noses either, and crooked bump noses need not apply. The noses have to be of a classic Roman style, just like my Papi's. Black hair is also a plus.

8. Whenever I spy beans on sale at the store I excitedly tell my kids, "You can never have too many friends or too many beans!" Then I usually add, "But if you eat too many beans, you won't have too many friends." Oh, how my children love to go grocery shopping with me!

9. I'm named after a Barry Manilow song. That's right, so the next time you hear "Could It Be Magic", and Barry croons tenderly, "Sweet Melissa, angel of my lifetime", just think of me. Don't you even pretend that you don't own any Barry CD's, you big, fat liars! I know every single stinkin word to "Copacabana", and I'm not ashamed about it either. Alas, I don't wear yellow feathers in my hair, neither a dress cut down to there.

10. I'm just like No Cool Story in that I have to have my hot foods HOT, not lukewarm. Comestibles also must stay in their separate little places on my plate. I actually bought a set of divided plates just for that purpose, so that try as it may, the gravy cannot sneak across the border and invade the small but happy land of the green peas. I'll go one further though, I have to scrutinize every bite I take. You may start singing that Police song now, "Every bite I take, every burp I make, I'll be watching you." I don't know how people can stare at the T.V., or read the paper while eating. NO! I must look at my food. I don't like lip smackin people, neither finger lickin good people. I don't care what the Colonel says, licking your fingers is nasty, so don't make me beat you with my family pack of napkins from Sam's Club, okay? Let's lump inconsiderate cows who crack their gum into the mix too, shall we? Sometimes I think there's a conspiratorial plot afoot to drive me crazy, because everytime I'm in line or stuck in a waiting room, a gum cracker will stand right next to me. God, grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change.

Added Bonus: I still slide through the house while wearing socks ala Tom Cruise, except I'm fully clothed and not prancing around in my underwear.

19 comments:

on.the.run said...

So when I finally figured out your real life identity I wondered why we never hung out when we were in the same ward. You are just so dang funny and seem to think the way I do and enjoy laughing at many of the thing I do.... now that I read about the things that bug you I can see that you would have had a nervous break down in my company. I absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVE to kiss little Oli on his little lips and do it all the time, especially at church; you must have spied this and kept your distance! And I am sure that I have licked my fingers after eating something for you to witness, what can I say, I was raised by a woman who had me lick HER fingers after she made cookie dough, mine don't seem so bad after licking some one else's.

Don't reject me too quickly from your cool world though because, although I can't shake my boobs like Shakira (for lack of boobageness) I can do a pretty good imitation of her goatiness.

Also hate crappy baby names, not just psycho ones like you pointed out but also a lot of the new weird name combinations that people are coming up with these days, it seems to be a trend with LDS people recently.

I don't count the letters in words but I can read backwards just as well as I can read word written normally. What I mean to say is that if I read a word in a mirror (my rear view for example) or through some glass, I don't notice that it is backward.

I don't own a Barry Manilow CD but I did go see him one year at the rodeo and it was pretty AWESOME!

SO as you can see, despite my finger licking and lip kissing I still have some redeeming qualities!

Angela said...

Can't there be an age limit on when it's gross to kiss kids on the lips? My 3 year old and 18 month old falling under the age limit. There are few things I love more...

#2 made me laugh hysterically. I hope to some day be on a street the same day as you when that happens. Just once in my lifetime.

I can think of a few more differences between you and Tom Cruise---and I don't even really know you!

Elizabeth-W said...

I'll kiss my 3 year old but not my six year old on the lips. I really need to get out more-it sounds like Shakira puts on a good show. I like big noses, too. Counting is a normal thing. Lots of people count their steps, for example. It's a common self-soothe sort of thing. Lots of people have quirky rituals. They provide order and stucture, and containment, so to speak. We don't get to carry blankets, bang our heads, or suck binkies. Counting is the same benign thing. Now, if it's keeping you from reading the blog, that's something else. It's really a habit now, more than anything. I'll bet you do it without thinking, and will catch yourself doing it, rather than feeling truly compulsive about it.
When I was pregnant, I always had a running game of Tetris going in my head--I'd be sitting there in a therapy session and while talking with a person, there'd be these little pieces falling from the sky--weird.
I'm glad you blessed/approved my kids' names :)
Okay, if I can't lick my fingers can I lick my 3 year old's face? Sometimes it's just easier, and she thinks it is sooo funny!

A Payne said...

I'm feeling the urge to be myself today.

omar said...

#4 - I couldn't agree more. I can't stand it.

#9 - I always used to pretend I was Rico. I wore a diamond. I was escorted to my chair, I saw Lola dancing there. And when she finished, I called her over. But I went a bit too far, Tony sailed across the bar, and then the punches flew. Chairs got smashed in two. Then I shot him. Good times.

No Cool Story said...

You do love me :)

#3 I could never dance like Shakira, I don't have the...means. And that video is just weird.

#5, hmm, so are the numbers telling you something or is it just for fun, very much like stretchy pants?

#6, yeah take that! Raspberries :P

#9 I don’t know any Barry M songs, really, all I know form Copacabana is her name is (was?) Copa...or is it Lola?

No Cool Story said...

PS: You are not weird at all.

carronin said...

I named my daughter after a Barry Manalow song."Mandy you came and you gave without taking and I turned you away oh Mandy.You kissed me and stop me from shaking and I need you today oh Mandy."

Syar said...

1. funny that I do this with my own little sisters (who are 6 and 4, not teen models or anything) but other people who do it skeeves me out too.

2. I'd do that if my driver side window wasn't stuck.

3. the woman's hips and boobs don't look attached to her body. as if they're moving out of their own independent will.

4. Neaveh sounds like a snooty way to huffily say never. like neaveh name your kid that.

5. josh hartnett played a character that did this in a movie which title I forgot.

6. I am an sometimes anti-malaysian malaysian. is that better?

7. I don't have this because I'm too picky. but I can't stand bushy eyebrows, like martin scorcese bushy. I don't know why.

8. Sounds like a potential motto of the month.

9. I lie not, I do not own a Barry cd. I feel like I should go out and buy one.

10. I like how you modify songs. :)

elasticwaistbandlady said...

on the run- We didn't hang out back then because I thought you were too cool for the likes of me. It's different in an Internet forum where you don't have to consume yourself with worries of proper gesticulation, and articulation. Worries of the huge zit portruding from your nose, bad breath, spitting on the other person when you talk. Blogging allows you to digest and think things over too. You don't have to come up with a snappy answer instantly. I always thought the Oscarsons were super refined upper crust that I had nothing in common with.....until I read their family blog, and realized that they're just a lot of fun, and normal people. Breaking misconceptions one at a time. Thank you blogger!

Licking someone elses fingers? Blah! Well, the kissing on the lips thing, that's why I placed it on a list of reasons why I'm weird. If you read further down, most people do kiss their kids on the lips.

Now, the newest member of our ward born recently is named after a toxic and deadly gas. They changed the spelling by one letter, but it's still pronounced the same. So, when baby Saryn has gas, and the mom announces that it's SARIN GAS, will there be panic in the streets? Will there be Panic! At The Disco too? Also, enough with the Braedens! We know FOUR, count them, FOUR baby Braedens/Braydens born in the church in the past few months. It's sounds like a donkey bray. My favorite spelling so far? A sister who spelled it BRA DEN, that's right, like a compound word. As for me, well, not all of the kids names were my first choice, just compromise with Papi. If I had my way:
2nd born-Holly Marie
5th born-Caleb James or Gavin Nephi
6th born-Louisa Claire or Elana May
Meh, if I ever have any more kids maybe I can spirit them away long enough to wrest control of the birth certificate completion away from Papi.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

angela- To know me is to love me, and that's all you really need to know. :)

elizabeth- I'm normal??!!!?? May I have that written up and signed by you on a special clean bill of mental health certificate?

a payne- Just be yourself, any way that you want to, baby, any way that you can! Next song is my semi-theme song to life "A Girl In Trouble Is A Temporary Thing".

omar- Does this mean that your son isn't PDP or "Pimp Daddy Phillips?" He's going to lose all street cred because of your old-fashioned sensibilities!

NCS- I am weird, but I'm embracing it as I get older. My public relations people keep spinning it that I'm "quirky", but no, really, I'm just flat out weird. I kind of like that Shakira song too, and now I think of it every time I cut onions up, or dance provocatively while slathering myself up in black grease.

carronin- Well, he does have songs with Brooklyn and Meadow in the titles, so Mandy is nice by comparison. Even nicer if it's actually short for Amanda. Amanda's are lucky because not only do they have Barry Manilow's ditty, "Mandy", but they also have Boston's classic song, "Amanda" too. I got an "A" in old fogey rock class at school. Next lesson, we'll discuss Deep Purple and Uriah Heep!

syar-Wow! You had a comment for everything. That makes you some sort of a hybrid super special species of commenters. I am a mere mortal, ma'am, and I bow before you! My hips don't lie neither.

jams o donnell said...

Reading while eating? I do that when I eat alone but I have never tried to rotate my man boobs a la Shakira.. Hmm I wonder what the not wife would think of that..

Aryan Justice? Leaving aside the Sieg Heil factpr I wonder how that kid will feel with that name.

jams o donnell said...

following on from the Aryan name. I was watching a prog on tv last night called So You Think You're English? Various people who thought they were English through and through for centuries had their DNA tested. It was good to see the looks on their faces as they got their results. It was so pleasing to see how a couple changed on camera. It was just as pleasing to see some arrogant idiots be deflated when it turns out, for example, that they were Romany rather than English.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

jams- Maybe you should show the video to her and buy a vat of black grease for her to roll around in for Christmas, jams!

Oh, we have a lot of people here who claim Spanish/European heritage when really they are just plain Mexican, and ashamed to say so. Reminds me of an episode of Frasier where they have this bear statue or something and they tell everybody it means they are descended from Russian royalty....until a museum curator comes to claim it saying their Grandma was a MAID who stole it from Russian royalty. The looks on Niles and Frasier's snobbish little faces was so funny!

jams o donnell said...

I remember that eposode well. Very good, but I loved Frasier. I even thought it came back from the dead for a great final season.

While I loved seeing egos being pricked (who doesnt love a bit of schadenfreude from time to time!). What did hearted was thise who re-thought their world view when they found they had DNA from all over the world

No Cool Story said...

5th born-Caleb James or Gavin Nephi. Firstborn has already told me his sons are going to be Lehi and Nephi. Yeah, good luck with that.
Back in Mah-hi-coh people have started to name their kids American names or just plain weird names. I'm sorry but it’s funny to se a Christian (girl) and Dennise (boy) who look like Juan and Maria to me.

Hey! I'm have Spanish/European heritage, I ain't no plain Mezzican yo.

That Frazier episode was great. HA! I know a few people who love borrowed fame, they are supposedly related to all these famous people, which really does not one thing for them.

PS for anonymous: I am a plain Mexi, and always proud to admit it.

stimpy said...

I feel wierd all the time.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

jams- I believe it's getting to a point where a rare few is pure bred anything. I'm a mutt, and I married a mutt of a different heritage, thereby creating children that are really a big jumble of genetics. German, Italian, Mayan Indian, Dutch, English, and that's just the ancestors we know about.

NCS!!!- We named our fifth born, Logan Nephi. I even wrote about it here. Not my first choice in names, though. Now, I read an interesting article that Mexico has taken a stand and has banned the name Kevin from being used. No Kevin's Allowed! So there, the Mexican government is finally stepping up and doing something worthwhile that doesn't involve telling US how to run America. Good for them! My Papi is of Italian ancestry. No plain Jane Mexicano, he's special. You're very special too, NCS. I made that remark thinking back on the many Mexicans, and Mexican heritaged people I know around here that think that its beneath them to speak Spanish and recognize their cultural background at all. I find that weird, and a denial of ones self. Even Thalia sang "Amor A La Mexicana". Yeah, Thalia, ME TOO!!!!

gay stimpy- It's not about how you feel, darling, it's about how you LOOK! And you look mahvelous........

SalGal said...

Some poor girl in Utah is walking around with the name "Mormon Beauty".

I kid you not.