I have some very exciting news to share with all of you! Trying to start college funds for six kids has proved an arduous task, but unexpectedly they've all received membership into a very elite secret society which should pave their way into a life of relative grandeur and maybe into the position as President of the greatest country on God's green earth, one day.
Yes, my babies have achieved the same status as Senator John Kerry, President Taft, and both President George Bushes'. They now enjoy the exclusionary prestige of membering in the infamous Skull And Bones Society, and may now look down haughtily upon all of you common "barbarians." Perhaps I shouldn't reveal the details due to the super shrouded nature of the organization, but I just couldn't wait to brag about our family's accomplishment. One bite of the jelly Jolly Rogers pictured here, sealed their fate.
Don't feel jealous that my spawn will undoubtedly be hobknobbing with the rich, famous, politically corrupt, and morally bankrupt. You had your chance to join the Skull And Bones Society too, you know. Instead, you chose to turn up your nose at that display of 75% off gummy eyeballs, and leftover Halloween wax vampire teeth. We seized the day, we carpe diemed to the max, and bought our way into a secret society. Yeah! Next year, shop the clearance aisle earlier to secure your children a place among the upper echelons like us.