Monday, December 04, 2006

I'm Inspector Infidel Of The Name Police

And I'm revoking your naming license right now!
I've become a name obsessed freak the past year, and whenever I see birth announcement signs posted in people's front yards, I have to cruise slowly by to check out the baby's name. Then, I either gasp in horror, or clasp my hands with unfettered delight. I spotted a stork sign a neighborhood over from me proclaiming the joy of their new arrival. What I saw made me want to weep for the baby girl they brought forth into this world and then slapped a hyper-testosteroned masculine name on.

Sawyer on a boy, while not my favorite is marginally passable. Sawyer on a girl is an abomination. My heart sank when I saw the pink details painted on the stork and the little pink bow resting above the crapalicious name. This girl doesn't even have the luxury of a decent middle name to fall back on. And what exactly do you nickname a young lady named Sawyer? Do you call her Saw for short? Sometimes, if a first name is gender neutral you can tell the sex by looking at the second name. Sawyer Quincy is doomed to be mistaken for a boy from administrators, coaches, and everyone else for the rest of her life. Thrusting gender confusion on your innocent child. Good job Mom and Dad!

Obviously, the groundbreaking federal law from the 1970's faced a modern day overhaul, and eventually voters repealed it, calling it "antiquated." Yes, I'm referring to the little known statute that stipulates that you must never engage in watching the television show, "Quincy M.E." while simultaneously listening to RUSH's "Tom Sawyer" on the radio as you're attempting to conceive a baby. It is expressly forbidden since it causes great harm to the unborn fetus. We need to start signing petitions TODAY to stop this naming tragedy from happening all over again. Who's with me?

17 comments:

omar said...

While I don't like the name, I will say that I prefer the "ambiguous gender" strategy to the "take any noun and make it a name" strategy, or the "take a normal name and spell it in some whacked out way" strategy.

on.the.run said...

I agree with Omar. Have you ever seen this site? http://wesclark.com/ubn/

While on the subject of ambiguity.... Oliver met me in the lobby in church one day after primary telling me all about a boy in primary that was wearing a dress. I told him no, that it was just a girl with short hair. When we got outside he said "look mom! there he is." I actually stumbled over myself as I said "No, that is a, well, no, yes, sweetheart that is a girl." If we had been ANYWHERE besides church I would have wondered why some parent dressed their boy in a dress. The only thing that convinced me was that I didn't think it was something an LDS parent would do (not for church anyway.) I was still slightly unconvinced until the primary program when I heard the girl talk. That little girl DEFINATELY needs a more girly hair cut! (I hope the parents don't read you blog because we are still in the stake.... or maybe they should read it.)

Becky said...

my sister (who happens to be great with child) is going through the Great Name Debate right now. fortunately, the names she is juggling are all family names, and are all decidedly masculine/feminine.

her last name is "sharp", so there have been a few jokes about naming the child "Razor" or "Notso"... good times.

Elizabeth-W said...

I would just like to say that I am sitting here feeling quite smug because I know my children have names the Infidel has approved. Maybe that could be an award you could make for people's blogs ("This woman's offspring have names approved by me: The Inspector General")

A Payne said...

We were living in California when I was pregnant with the boys. I had a job taking school pictures. I was "the poser". My job was basically quality control. I made sure the kids sat up straight, their hair wasn't sticking up, they didn't make a funny face, that kind of thing. The ladies I worked with were mostly Mexican-Americans. When I told them what I was going to name my twins, they told me, "Those are good white names."

Lianne said...

I have to cringe when I hear baby names. This week in our ward "Paisley Katheryn" was blessed. Do they know they are naming her after a bad 60's pattern??? Why not name her Plaid or Stripes???

wendela said...

Where do I sign the petition?

I'm going to have to agree with you that this is another lousy name choice. I'm hoping there was some misunderstanding, though (and know I'm probably wrong).

Hopefully, that little Sawyer Quincy may just be a boy after all, elastic. Who knows- maybe the parents chose pink for the stork because they are starting him out early to fight shade-related bias- so he can freely wear pinks, purples, etc.- maybe he'll even be decidedly metrosexual.

Or maybe whoever delivered the stork for the lawn made a mistake.

We don't have those announcement storks here in my part of the I.E. I'm sure they'd be stolen. Or graffiti'd.

jams o donnell said...

Sawyer...At east it is a noble trade. I suppose there will be siblings in the family called Fletcher, cartwright, miller and so on. I hope it is not a big family as I would hate to hear that one of teh kids is called Sh**e shoveller

Julie said...

Sign me up. I'm not a big fan of these trendy names.

At first, I thought "Quincy" might be a slang term for some body part, and that "Sawyer Quincy" would become part of a new playground teasing song. (I saw London, I saw France; I Sawyer Quincy in underpants, or something like that.)

When we found out our first was going to be a boy, we jokingly toyed around with the idea of naming him Jack Ashby S--, but we decided against it. Then my brother almost named his youngest son Harrison Ashby until he realized it would be shortened to Harry. The teasing possibilities for that one are endless.

I'm with you, elastic. Names can be either fascinating or horrifying.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Omar- My Melody is a actually a noun, but at least it has some history to it. Most name snobs prefer the more classic Elodie. I didn't know all this when she was born a few years ago. Most horrifying name of the week award goes to Nevaehstiny. Seriously, how do you even pronounce that?

on the run- Yes, the Utah Baby Namer has been the source for much laughter round here. I'm still reeling over the name Saryn just one letter removed from Sarin gas though. Papi wants to know if they'll name their son Mustard so they can just have a whole deadly nerve agent name based family.

becky- You must also consider that most attendance rolls are called last name first. The child should be called Cheddar. Sharp, Cheddar. Or Pay. Sharp, Pay sounds really good together.

elizabeth- I only look down my nose at the illiterate, made up, or horribly cruel names foisted on children. Rob Morrow named his daughter Tu, as in "Tu Morrow." I never knew that he sucked so bad.
):

a payne- One of my kids has the middle name of "Xotchitl", pronouned "SO-CHEEL." It's an Aztec goddess of flowers and ferility and also a real life Princess. My family told me that it was too "ethnic" even though its culturally justified considering her parentage. *sigh* In their world everyone should just be Dick, Mary, Sue, Tom, or Jane.

lianne- Are they old enough to be having some acid "flashbacks" and named their kid during one of those? I've seen kids named Rayon. No kidding. :(

wendela-We NEVER put up one of those signs. Papi figured that it made it too easy for someone on the lookout to steal a baby to locate one. Turns out, those signs have been implicated in causing several baby nappings across the nation.

jams- Why not? We already have Taylor, Tyler, even Maison/Mason! Using that criteria my next kid will be named Carrier.

julie- LOL at Jackash and Harryash. We had wanted to name our second daughter Xotchitl but reserved it for middle name status when I discovered it would make her initials XTC-'ecstasy'.

Lia said...

That is a cruel thing for a parent to do to a child. And then, when the kid's a teenager and hates them, they're going to say "What did we ever do to her but love her and provide for her?"

Poor kid!

Jenn said...

Oh let me tell you this name problem is alive and well in elementary schools far and wide. Yesterday I met a child with short blond hair who was wearing jeans, a surf shirt and black and white vans. It's name was Camden. What would you assume? No. She was a girl. Now I tell you Camden is a major slum in NJ! Why for the love of all that his humane would you name a child after a ghetto?

Julie said...

There is a kid at my sons' elementary school named Random.

Julie said...

I love the name Xotchitl. Too bad I'm done having kids or I'd plagiarize.

My nephew is named Sawyer and I think it's a perfect name for him. But I heartily agree that it's a lousy name for a girl because the natural nickname (after Soybeans which I guess could be gender inclusive) is Soy-Boy and I don't think little S. Quincy would appreciate that.

No Cool Story said...

Xotchitl? Cool! It' so fun to say Xotchitl.

A guy visited our ward for a few weeks, his name was Netzahualcoyotl, I LOVED using his name.

Sawyer for a girl- Wrong
Add Quincy - call the Name Police.

Mimo said...

That happened to my sil Jerri Lee... poor girl :( She was put in the boy's gym class too one year.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

lia- Exactly! The world needs more nice people named Lia to counteract the onslaught of atrocious names!

jenn- Camden has become a very popular trendy name, along with CAMRY. Nothing says lovin like naming your kid after the family Toyota!

julie- RANDOM acts of parental cruelty, that is!

The other julie- There's also a ballet called "Xotchitl" too. The collest thing for my daughter is having an X for a middle initial. She says its like being a super spy.

NCS- I had a middle name of Cuauhtemoc picked out because I like the sound of it and the fact that its Aztec for "eagle." Then, I found out what a disgusting pig Cuautemoc Blanco is in real life and I changed my mind because I didn't want people to think I named a kid in his honor.

mimo-Great balls of fire!