Monday, January 15, 2007

Let's Go NUTS!!!!

Admittedly, my Papi is a much purer soul than I, as he doesn't usually laugh at the crude vulgarities in life. But then, he didn't ace the Urban Slang Dictionary final exam like I did either. I warned him that he better step up and learn the street lingo as our oldest nears her teenage years, so that there isn't a gap in parent/child communication. Fo shizzle! Since English is Papi's second language, a lot of things strike me as funny while he just sits there, stone faced.

A few days ago, I decided to liven things up by bringing someone else into our bed. The smokin hot and occasionally honey roasted Mr. Peanut, that is. Papi sat working at the computer while I plopped in the center of the bed, rummaging around through the can of mixed nuts. Cashews are my favorite. Cashews are also Papi's favorite. He had already decimated the cashew population before I could take over canned nut possession. I mean, this can was literally a tough nut to crack. Just like the famed black bottomed lake in Utah that refuses to give up her dead, so this can refused to yield her cashews. That monocled menace peanut with his creepy little smile seemed to mock my very best cashew retrieval efforts. I started mournfully singing Paula Cole's "Where Have All The Cowboys Gone?," but I changed the lyrics to, "Where have all the cashews gooooonnnne?" Ummm, without all the weird yodeling "Yipee Yo's and Yipee Yay's" at the end though.

As I sat there noisily shaking the can around and nimbly using my fingers to dig out the sparse cashew fragments, Papi looked over at me with a disgusted expression and said, "Girlie, will you please get your hands out of my nuts?" Oh no, he didn't! I nearly choked to death on a Spanish peanut that very moment. The irony. I sat there laughing, but disregarded him as my quest for cashews continued. Finally, he chastised me in an irritated voice, "Listen, will you stop shaking my nuts around? It really bugs me when you do that."

I didn't want to drive the man I love nutty, so I obeyed, and left his nuts alone for the remainder of the evening. I didn't appreciate him calling the can his. We're married. Doesn't that make his nuts part of a community property arrangement? I can't understand why he's so territorial when it comes to protecting his nuts. Must be a guy thing.

27 comments:

on.the.run said...

Once when I was visiting teaching Oliver decided he would gather up the collection of boucy balls the woman had. My companion's little girl really wanted to play with one of the bouncy balls also but Oli wasn't having any of it. My companion said to Oli, "Oli won't you let Kate see your balls?" I about died with laughter while my companion and the lady we were teaching looked at me with confusion. It still makes me laugh.

Becky said...

pops has had a pouch of southwest airlines peanuts on his dashboard since thanksgiving, and i keep reminding him that he should get his nutsack out of plain view.

admittedly, it's strange talking about your own dad's nutsack. but he leaves it out there for everyone to see. i'm just trying to be a responsible daughter.

Thoroughly Mormon Millie said...

"Fun with nuances" should be the title of your next book.

::still giggling at "stop shaking my nuts around"::

jams o donnell said...

Getting your hands on Papi's nut? Sshaking his nuts? If I diddn't know better I might think this post contained some innuendo!

No Cool Story said...

Innuendo. Nutty innuendo.
The man wants his nuts unshaken and unfingered.
Who can blame him?

omar said...

I'm allergic to cashews. However, almonds and walnuts, those are my nuts. I love them. Make no mistake, I would protect my nuts from anyone trying to get their grubby hands on them.

compulsive writer said...

What black-bottomed lake in Utah refuses to give up her dead? Moon Lake?

Nuts should definitely be community property. My question is this, do you like yours raw or roasted?

carronin said...

I love innuendos. I watched Down with Love with Renee Zellewiger again today for like the 21st time that movie is all innuendo.
My oldest son bought the new Nintendo Wii with his summer job money.My hubby and I joke all the time that RadChad is downstairs playing with his WiiWii.

Radioactive Jam said...

"Must be a guy thing." *You* ... are nuts.
:-D

elasticwaistbandlady said...

on the run- I hope you're proud of yourself missy. You made me spit all over my computer screen. Okay, when Buster was younger he had a couple kickballs that were fruit scented. I heard fighting and commotion in the front room, and I went to go check it out. That's when Monkey complained, "MOOOOOOM, Buster won't let me smell his balls." I wanted so desperately to say something more about meeting a woman named Sharon Box at Target around Christmas, but I'll let Dooce do my talking for me, so I won't get in trouble! :)

becks-LOL! You're such a conscientious nut becky!

millie- That would be subtle nuances to you, ma'am. Yes, I'd entitle it something like, "Fun With The ESL Class." If Papi only knew just how filthy I really am in my own little language......

jams- You're funny, intelligent, a good writer, and you're amazingly perceptive too!

NCS- Nuts were meant to be shared NCS. I mean the can had Brazilian nuts in it, and I didn't have any Brazilians knocking down my door in protest. What's Papis problem?

omar- A one man Nut Unit Team Security force. Or N.U.T.S. for short.

compulsive- This Utah lake. I like my honey's nuts. :)

carronin- Read what my stepdad told the missionaries about me over dinner one time.Emily Post Is Weeping Horrifying.

RAJ-If I'm nuts, they you sir, are bananas.

Julie said...

You never fail to make me laugh out loud, Elastic. I needed that today.

My brother tells a story of a phone call he heard of. A young son answered and went to call his father to the phone. The father, a golf fanatic, was in the bathroom, washing his precious golf balls in the sink. He told his son to relay the message that he was busy but would call back momentarily.

The son returned to the phone and told the caller, "My dad can't come to the phone right now. He's washing his balls." The dad yelled from the background "GOLF balls! I'm washing my GOLF balls!"

The caller was in tears from laughing so hard.

Then there is the man in my sister's ward who got up in High Priest's Quorum to introduce himself. He said, "My name is Richard, after my father, but I prefer to be called Little Dick." He was dead serious.

Your innuendos are always fabulous.

Julie said...

Um...okay, I just realized I already told you both of those stories on your Emily Post is Weeping post. Sheesh. I must be having a blond day.

Carrotjello said...

My husband went home teaching once. Yeah, once. The couples 6 year old daughter came up to my husband and said "My dad's penis is hurting". They were so embarassed.

Julie said...

I heard of a kid who proudly announced to a total stranger, "My dad has hair on his unit!"

Elizabeth-W said...

I think you should submit your material to David Letterman. He's always having jokes about squirrels and nuts.

Chris said...

I love nuts even though I'm slightly allergic to them. I get breakout after eating just one of them.

Damnit! You know how to cripple my good looks! Noooo!!!

And it's great to finally read your blog after a long time. Cheers!

carronin said...

I know your pain,EWL. My former Bishop loves to tell the story when I'm around to anyone who will listen of the time he caught me and an old boyfriend making out in the church parking lot.I just laugh and say "I don't know what you your talking about, that wasn't me that was my sister.

RC said...

how funny...sounds like you're having fun.

i too love cashews!

Thoroughly Mormon Millie said...

We should make a list of all the words you once could say without anyone smirking, snickering, or biting their tongue.... I nominate "gay".

Demosthenes said...

Testicular torsion is more of a risk than you know. Especially when women are going crazy all the time, trying to grab one's nuts.

Glo said...

Notes for the single girls: No shaking the nuts around. Good to know.

Anonymous said...

It reminds me of AC/DC's song Big Balls, which is a Gardner family favorite. It is my opinion my big balls should be held every night...

on.the.run said...

You know you can buy a can of just cashews.... its amazing what you can get your hands on these days, all kinds of nuts just waiting for you. I know I know, your nuts about nuts.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

on the run- I told Papi that he should have just bought a can of cashews but then he chided me saying that I would have thrown a fit because they cost nearly twice as much as the mixed nuts, and that I'm a cheap pain in the butt.He knows me so very well. :)

Thank you guys for all your extremely funny comments. What a dirty minded little brain trust you all are! I'm not inviting any of you on my tour of the Planters Nut Factory for fear of the embarrassing remarks you might make. NO NUTS FOR YOU!!!!

Syar said...

*clamps hand over mouth to stop giggles*

No Cool Story said...

Do I still get to go to the Planters Nut Factory? if you read my comment I didn't say anyhting naughty about no one's nutty buisness.

Yes nuts for me?

Bee said...

That was hilarious! I seriously don't know anybody who has your knowledge of wordy words. ;op