Thursday, January 25, 2007

Warning: Gas Leaks Can Be Lethal

So, after another fine dining excursion to Dumass Taco on Monday, we wandered over to the Dollar General store next door. Dollar General is not your typical dollar store in that rarely does anything actually cost only a dollar. Sadly, this location is undergoing a massive storewide clearance sale since they're going out of business. Where will the people of Magnolia, Texas get their packages of cheap gray mystery meat hot dogs, discounted Meatloaf's Greatest Hits CD, and generic brand feminine hygiene products now? I didn't intend to buy anything until I reached the women's apparel aisle. Holy cheese on crackers did they have the kitschy sock motherlode in there! Cheap bras? Yep, they had those. Lots of size 3X T-shirts proclaiming the wearer as "Bootylicious?" Yep, they had those too. I held back the temptation to add a pair of David Bowie "Let's Dance," socks to my vast collection. It even had cute little footstep styled dance steps on the side. But, when my eyes caught sight of the gorgeous Bambi skunk socks, I knew that I could no longer suppress my inner sock fiend.

My daughter, Sunbum, stood there, mouth agape, eyebrows raised, watching me snuggle and fawn over my newfound sock joy. The skunky tail is extra fuzzy furry, okay, and who among us could resist such skunk butt charm? Sunbum sighed, and said the words no sock loving mama wants to hear, "Just what are you going to do with those ugly socks, Mom?" I sniffed and brushed off the crushing blow to my ego as I curtly responded to her cruel inquiry. I told Sunbum that I had to buy the skunk socks as it was a medical necessity. You see, just as many people stricken with debilitating sicknesses like diabetes wear medic alert bracelets to notify other people and medical respondents of their condition, I thought it only fair to similarly warn people of my own physical condition. I suffer from a genetic disease inherited from the paternal side of my family. Odious Flatulitis Maximus.

The socks bear the image of a skunk which is the universally accepted symbol for stinkiness. When you see an individual wearing such a symbol on his body then you automatically know that there are likely internal contents under extreme pressure that could burst forth at any given moment. Following safety instructions when you see the skunk symbol flashed is imperative for your own safety as well as the safety of those around you. First of all, you must never walk behind this person. If you're in a restaurant, and they order a bean filled dish, locate an emergency exit immediately. But most importantly, no matter how much he or she begs you too, you must never, ever, under any circumstances, pull their finger. I carry an emergency pair of skunk socks with me in the glove compartment at all times. Not to keep my toes toasty warm, mind you, but as an act of service and kindness towards my fellow man.

I'm always thinking of others. Perhaps, one day my efforts will be rewarded and I shall receive canonization for my efforts. Or I'll be placed at the top of the Febreze air freshener list of the Most Wanted Odor Offenders.


No Cool Story said...

Dumass has done it again!.
I admire your sense of social responsibility EWBL. Thank you for watching out for the well-being of your fellow Texans. Gas leaks are not to be taken lightly.

Now, about that Bootylicious, do they have those in “small” size?

wendy said...

I'm not sure if I've evah really laughed out loud like that over a blog entry. Skunk socks = medical alert. Hey, if you see the sign and do not take procautions, it's your own fault.

Those t-shirts might be just the thing for next years Christmas pj's!

Elizabeth-W said...

At my local Winco grocery store, there's the aisle of potato chips, then the aisle of cookies and crackers, and then there is the candy/school supplies row, and then the greeting cards and candles. On the end of that aisle is what I now think of as the Shrine to Elastic because it always has novelty socks. I wonder if you have some of the atrocities I have seen, and think that only you could pull off wearing such things. I don't understand why the store display person thinks they belong nearer to candles than to the socks/pantyhose. Thoughts on this rationale?

jams o donnell said...

Medicalert socks? I think you have another winner there Ewbl! Have you ever considered marketing them, you will be in the Forbes rich list in no time.

For those with friends and family who suffer from the condition may I suggest canary fart alert warning socks - The bird falls off its perch at the merest hint of Dinitrogen Fartoxide.. You could make millions but also save the noses of millions too!

wendela said...

Aww, I like your Flower the Skunk socks, elastic! Now your socks match the tattoo my dad and his twin both have on their lower legs (although my dad's not especially stinky- I think he was just a drunk teenager when he and his brother both had them done).

Julie said...

You are indeed living up to your subtitle (except sometimes it's more like SEVERAL at a time).

Lyle said...

Such thoughtful consideration for your fellowmen. Extra Brownie points for being prepared.

Thoroughly Mormon Millie said...

While I'm shocked that you actually passed by David Bowie "Let's Dance" socks - what a find, and you just toss it aside like yesterday's used dish towel - I find your concern for the rest of humanity very noble. Really, you're only looking out for the rest of us.

Although, a T-shirt that says "I fart like a fiend" would've been a little more to the point and easier to see than skunk socks. But the thought was there, and that's what counts.

Suzanne said...

Don't you just love it when you find things that someone meant just for you?!? Little did the manufacturer know how much they'd brighten an Infidel's evening. Thanks for looking out for your fellow man, but I wouldn't expect anything less from you! :)

No Cool Story said...

Here you go.

(I would love to tell everyone how they work, but I just can't bring myself to type "exit ...")

elasticwaistbandlady said...

NCS-Nah. I already picked up a matching set of "Red Hot Mommas," T-shirts for you and I when you come to texas, NCS. Here I am, beauty, brains, and impeccable fashion taste to match.

wendy-I've never seen you round these here parts before. Welcome! Infidel regulars know me well and understand my need for creative expression......through gas. I thought it only right to wear a beacon of the danger that lies within a seemingly mellow suburban mom.

elizabeth- Yes. Everything is illuminated. Candle light is the most flattering when trying to make that important decision between a pink leopard print knee high or a manatee embellished anklet.

jams- You're a marketing genius! I actually LOL'ed for real at the canary suggestion. To sing some Pet Shop Boys, "You got the brains, I got the gas. Let's make lots of money!"

wendela-Papi was given a skunk beanie baby from a co-worker a few years ago. He always waited until he got to work to do his business at the office bathroom because he went right from one job to another, and didn't schedule himself any emergency poop minutes. For that, I was grateful. Apparently, Christie, who had the desk adjacent to the men's toilet wasn't so grateful. I'm cracking up thinking of two older gentleman with Flower the skunk branded onto them. That's a conversation starter, for sure. Do they call him Pepe?

JULIE- I know. This is why I am especially diligent about warning my children not to play with matches.

lyle- I once made out with a Boy Scout. Or maybe it was a couple of Boy Scouts. Well, whatever, I learned the motto of "Always Be Prepared," through osmosis.

millie- I'm having second thoughts about those socks too. I figured that my David Bowie shrine in the front of my house was enough. Socks might push me over into "creepy stalker" territory. I can't wear a "Fart Fiend" T-shirt because I have compassion for the illiterate people around me who can't read the warning and save themselves. Gosh millie, have you no heart?

suzanne- How I suffer for the greater good of all. :)

NCS- LOL LOL LOL!!!! My favorite part? "Wear them for the ones you love" That is the most heart felt and warm fart panty ad I've ever seen. The testimonials were easily the best part of that site though. Especially how the inventor considered divorcing his wife over her extreme flatulence but instead invented the super duper fart panty. I shook from laughing so hard. Unfortunately, I showed it to papi. His eyes lit up. Valentines Day is coming soon. I have a feeling I know what I'm getting, and it won't be anything from Victorias Secret.

Mimo said...

My Joy has potty training pants with Stella the skunk from Over the Hedge on her panties... needless to say, she is a little stinker sometimes.