Thursday, January 25, 2007
Warning: Gas Leaks Can Be Lethal
So, after another fine dining excursion to Dumass Taco on Monday, we wandered over to the Dollar General store next door. Dollar General is not your typical dollar store in that rarely does anything actually cost only a dollar. Sadly, this location is undergoing a massive storewide clearance sale since they're going out of business. Where will the people of Magnolia, Texas get their packages of cheap gray mystery meat hot dogs, discounted Meatloaf's Greatest Hits CD, and generic brand feminine hygiene products now? I didn't intend to buy anything until I reached the women's apparel aisle. Holy cheese on crackers did they have the kitschy sock motherlode in there! Cheap bras? Yep, they had those. Lots of size 3X T-shirts proclaiming the wearer as "Bootylicious?" Yep, they had those too. I held back the temptation to add a pair of David Bowie "Let's Dance," socks to my vast collection. It even had cute little footstep styled dance steps on the side. But, when my eyes caught sight of the gorgeous Bambi skunk socks, I knew that I could no longer suppress my inner sock fiend.
My daughter, Sunbum, stood there, mouth agape, eyebrows raised, watching me snuggle and fawn over my newfound sock joy. The skunky tail is extra fuzzy furry, okay, and who among us could resist such skunk butt charm? Sunbum sighed, and said the words no sock loving mama wants to hear, "Just what are you going to do with those ugly socks, Mom?" I sniffed and brushed off the crushing blow to my ego as I curtly responded to her cruel inquiry. I told Sunbum that I had to buy the skunk socks as it was a medical necessity. You see, just as many people stricken with debilitating sicknesses like diabetes wear medic alert bracelets to notify other people and medical respondents of their condition, I thought it only fair to similarly warn people of my own physical condition. I suffer from a genetic disease inherited from the paternal side of my family. Odious Flatulitis Maximus.
The socks bear the image of a skunk which is the universally accepted symbol for stinkiness. When you see an individual wearing such a symbol on his body then you automatically know that there are likely internal contents under extreme pressure that could burst forth at any given moment. Following safety instructions when you see the skunk symbol flashed is imperative for your own safety as well as the safety of those around you. First of all, you must never walk behind this person. If you're in a restaurant, and they order a bean filled dish, locate an emergency exit immediately. But most importantly, no matter how much he or she begs you too, you must never, ever, under any circumstances, pull their finger. I carry an emergency pair of skunk socks with me in the glove compartment at all times. Not to keep my toes toasty warm, mind you, but as an act of service and kindness towards my fellow man.
I'm always thinking of others. Perhaps, one day my efforts will be rewarded and I shall receive canonization for my efforts. Or I'll be placed at the top of the Febreze air freshener list of the Most Wanted Odor Offenders.