Monday, January 22, 2007

Dumass Taco Reloaded!

This is my very first time...........to play a food critic and write up a restaurant review! I hope that you'll be gentle and still respect me in the morning. I haven't been offered any compensatory "all the Dumass Tacos I can eat" lifetime package. No, I'm not receiving any payment at all for my shameless whoring and effusive praise of this fine little eatery. Hmmm, maybe I'm the Dumass?

Some of you may recall this post mocking Dumass Taco and all that it stood for. But, I was wrong. So very wrong. For the past two weeks, I've reached out and grabbed me some Dumass for myself, and now I'm a confirmed Dumass addict. Like any legitimate food critic, my familia and I have visited Dumass Taco on several occasions and ordered different menu items to test their consistency. I didn't wear any goofy disguises like Ruth Reichl of The New York Times though. I only possess one wig, and its a greasy black Elvis styled pompadour. Somehow I think that may draw the attention I'm trying to avoid. Everything and I do mean everything has tasted wonderful. It takes two days for food poisoning to manifest and exhibit full blown symptoms. So, I gave every visit to Dumass Taco the two day grace period to see if I would die. I'm proud to say that they passed the anti-explosive diarrhea and abdominal cramps test with flying colors! Don't you love this picture of their mascot burro? You can actually see him heaving a sigh of relief that Dumass taco meat is burro and Dumass free. I suggested that they use the burro on a clever T-shirt to promote the place. I think "Got Dumass?" would be funny, but some of you snarky little bloggers can probably come up with a better idea.

You've seen and heard about the true loves in my life like my children and beloved Papi with the sexiest Roman nose ever, it's time to introduce you to the magical world of Mexican sandwiches. This is a torta, so named for the turtle shell shaped bread. Dumass Taco puts a layer of homemade refried beans, your choice of meat (Papi likes alpastor. I like spicy beef.), and then they layer lettuce, tomatoes, avocados, and top it all with a toasted bun smeared in sour cream. Heaven on earth! They only charge 3 dollars for this delight. The sandwich filled my entire plate, filled my belly, and best of all, left my wallet still filled with my hardearned money. Their tacos are priced at a value phenomenon of $1.50. You can also purchase a dozen homemade tamales for 8 bucks. I'm hungry right now. I'm going to electrocute myself drooling all over the keyboard. They offer a take-out service too. Don't think we didn't grab us some Dumass to take home and enjoy, because we did.

The highlight of our lives came the moment that we got to meet the owner/proprietor Mr. Dumass himself! He hired away the cooking genius behind taco competitors, Lupe Tortilla, to come and work for him. The Dumass Taco chef is from Veracruz, just like the blog world's very own No Cool Story! I'm convinced. Good things come from Veracruz. This flag painted wall is dedicated to military members, and Mr. Dumass will post any picture of an armed service individual that you bring in to him. Located at the top in black and white is the original Mr. Dumas. On either side of him are his grandsons(Mr.Dumass' boys) currently stationed in Florida and Japan. Another wall features police officers with the opposing one covered in firefighters. I suggested that they pay tribute to newspaper carriers and I'll donate my own picture. Papi said that the Newspaper Carrier Wall Of Shame will be located in the bathroom behind the commode. When it came time for picture taking, a simple "CHEESE!" just wouldn't suffice. No, those big happy grins came from shouting out "DUMASS!" in unison.

Mr. Dumass and I talked a lot. We bonded over a plate of tamales and traded beauty secrets like old girlfriends. I told him that you can lessen the severity and butchness of wearing steel toe boots by softening it up with a pair of fuzzy hot pink socks. Mr. Dumass noticed my dry, cracked hands from the winter cold and offered me some of his Corn Huskers lotion to sample. We live in the fourth largest city in America. How likely is it to meet someone that knows your husband? Mr. Dumass knows my Papi from a company that they were both employed with a few years ago. You never know which one of your co-workers is a real life Dumass.

So, I've won a new blog fan in Mr. Dumass. He stumbled across The Smiling Infidel(I'm number one for all things Dumass. YESSSS!) while googling and was kind enough to not sue me. In turn, Mr. Dumass has won himself a new taco restaurant fan with me and my family. How cool is it that when I introduced myself he knew me immediately as The Smiling Infidel? Brand name recognition, baby! Mr. Dumass invites all of you to drop by and sample his Dumass goods for yourself. So, if you're ever in the Tomball, Texas area, you have a standing date with Mr. Dumass! Don't worry, he's a Dumass, but he's also a gentleman. Hmmm, "A Dumass And A Gentleman," might make a fun sequel to "An Officer And A Gentleman."

Dumass Tacos
25435 FM 2978 Suite 107
Tomball, Texas 77375
281 255-9444

30 comments:

omar said...

Wow, that's a glowing Dumass review. Should I ever find myself in the area, I will be sure to check it out.

Carrotjello said...

Does he do mail order? I'd like one of those sandwiches. I wouldn't care if it was soggy

Elizabeth-W said...

What a nice guy. My favorite part is that he clearly isn't in the dark about the play on words about the name of his shop, which I thought might have been the case, from the post awhile back.

Sketchy said...

If we're ever in Tomball, TX this will be our second stop. Because first we will have to get a picture of my husband, Tom, in front of a Tomball sign and make some slightly crass jokes that are hopefully still above our kids' heads. Next we will proceed to Dumass Taco for those slightly crass jokes to be had there. And of course the yummy food (we are Mexican food deprived here...)

jams o donnell said...

A bit far for me to come for a taco, but I will happily play the role of mystery scoffer for any restaurant guide!

No "mexican" eateries around my way and the few in London are pretty poor. I am deprived of tacos etc unless we make them ourselves!

A Payne said...

I feel about this post, the same way I feel about My Name is Earl. You can only laugh when it's over, because if you laugh at every joke, you will miss the next hunk of comedy gold. Save it all up until the end and then laugh your enchilada filled guts out!

on.the.run said...

I am going!

No Cool Story said...

EWBL not only a multi-award winner, joy bringer and NCS's Newspaper Carrier Woman of The Millennium™ but now Infidel Food Critic as well.

If I could just fly out to Texas and get me some Dumass tacos...hmm
wait...I AM going to Texas!, just next month, how lucky and super duper awesome am I? Aren't you all jealous? huh? HUH?!

I have not had a torta in years and years. I have been afraid of being disappointed, looks like Dumass has what it takes to make this Mexican happy. I'm coming to get me some Dumass!

PS.ITA 100% with A Payne. You ma'am are a comedy gold genius.

jams o donnell said...

II loved the first series of My Name iis Earl. I cant wait to see more

Rhonda said...

You sell out!

Ha! I kid. I actually LOVE Lupe Tortilla...and they are building one in Pearland as we speak...so that is enough to get me to Dumass' next time I am on the north side.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

omar- Too bad you don't have any New York Dumass'.

carrot jello- Spoken like the true pregnant woman you are!

elizabeth- He's a Dumass of the highest order! Of course, he knows what he's doing. His brother, Smartass told him.

sketchy- The town was named for a guy named....wait for it.....Tom Ball! I'm very glad that his mother didn't name his Harry.

jams- This probably wouldn't appeal to the vegan side of the not wife. However, their refried beans, tortillas, and rice are made from scratch daily, and is very good. You come to Texas for a visit and I'll buy you a 10 gallon cowboy hat and a Dumass meal. Deal?

A Payne- I'm comedy Fool's Gold.

on the run- We should gather up a Mormon caravan for a Dumass excursion. Secretly, I just want to hear women in the ward speaketh the name, "Dumass."

NCS- I ate two Dumass tacos just for lunch today on the way to work. My little Monkey gorged on pork tamales, and we bought a dozen to take home for la familia. We'll make the Houston eating circuit you and I. First Dumass Taco, then Panchos Mexican Buffet. We shall leave no flauta undipped. No chili releno undevoured. No torta untouched. Nay, we shall rule the Houston Mexican cuisine scene with our quesadilla crowns and taquito scepters!

rhonda-By wooing the lead cook guy away from Lupe Tortilla, Mr. Dumass is offering an equitable quality taco at a fraction of the cost. We'll go together. But don't cry like a baby when I win the torta eating competition against you.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

I've been working all day today with only a quick Dumass stop to break up the tedium. I'll catch up with everyones blogs manana! As always, I humbly thank everyone for their chirpy comments. You guys rock!

By the way, Mr. Dumass saw the blog entry, and he loved it! Maybe I missed my calling in life as a restaurant promoter or professional food critic?

carronin said...

Yet, another reason to come for a visit. You still haven't given me your address.

on.the.run said...

I am totally up for a group trip up the Dumass. I mean to Dumass.

mullet said...

i'm on a flight over there right now!

Chris said...

I don't think Malaysians are ready for Dumass. I don't think we're even ready to hear the name let alone eat a Dumass Taco.

But I would.

Thoroughly Mormon Millie said...

For a slogan, I propose "You Dumass." Except you could do the overpopular periods-between-every-word technique and have it say, "You.Dumass." Then it would have arrows, one pointing to you looking bored, and then one pointing to you eating a taco at Dumass's with a big grin on your face. Kind of a "this is your brain, this is your brain on drugs" take on it. And you'd still get to say, "You dumass" to people and that would cause such exuberant jolly-getting.

Hope that made sense.

wendela said...

What a great guy Dumass is- and now he gets some free plugs through your blog. You'll have a new career as a celebrity, elastic! Next you'll be in the local papers, then nationwide, t.v. appearances, etc.: "The Power of the Blog"! (and all my blog got me was dodging possible lawsuits from a photographer.)

Suzie Petunia said...

You are such a clever writer. Have I ever told you that? Now you've got me craving tacos.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

carronin- Just google Funkytown, and you'll find me there.

on the run- Should I announce the trip to the Relief Society sisters, or do you wanna hog all the Dumass glory for yourself?

mullet- Dumass Tacos beats out spotted dick any day of the week.

christo-This is just the first stop to worldwide Dumass Taco Domination. I mean, McDonalds has humble beginnings too, right? Mr. Dumass won't rest until everyone the world over speaketh the name of Dumass with fervor. Are you interested in a Malaysian franchise opportunity? I'll mail you an informational packet along with a manila envelope with taco and tamale samples inside.

millie- Remember how "You Dumass" was the catchphrase of Beavis and Butthead? Now that would be amusing. I had actually suggested playing around with the idea of a "Dumass Taco:Brain Food" slogan to Mr. Dumass. We must be sharing a brain millie!

wendela- He's so loving all the attention too. He even cajoled his banker the other day that she needed to come and have a look for herself. I'm not ready for all this blog notoriety and stardom. I'll have to start wearing a Dumass Taco sack over my head whenever I go out into public now to keep the fans at bay.

SUZIE!!!! Pregnant Suzie!!!! Convince your sisters to stick around Houston, and I'll treat all of you to a Dumass Taco whenever you visit. Ask carrot jello, Mexican food is muy appealing to pregnant women.

Thoroughly Mormon Millie said...

It's also appealing to spayed women.

I do remember that about B & B. Those poor stupid kids. WASHING THE DOG, WASHING THE DOG...

Just Me said...

I'm a lurker that thought I would finally post a comment. I suggest the front of the shirt read "I'm a Dumass kind of girl" with the back advertising Dumass Tacos. I'll have to go check it out!

Demosthenes said...

You know, I may be making my premier visit to Texas this summer, and I may also very well have to stop by.

emma jo said...

I'm writing down the address as we speak...my sister and I are currently eating at Chipotle every chance we get so we can get sick of it and move on...I think I know where to next...

mullet said...

damn! I hated when spotted dick was the special in my waitressing days...could never get it out with a straight face.

~Nancy~ said...

Thanks for your vote for me on Suburban Turmoil!
Hate to mention this on a food post, but the word "OOZING" was more appropriate than "EXPLOSIVE"....and I will leave it at that. ;-) ewww.

And for your tasty Dumass Food...I have a couple of tee shirt thoughts....

"Not Your Ordinary Dumass"

"I Love a Good Dumass!"

"Member of the Dumass Society"
(here's YOUR application!)

Thanks again!!!

elasticwaistbandlady said...

nancy, is there no end to your wit? You should quit your nursing profession and get a job at a T-shirt factory.

~Nancy~ said...

LOL, thanks.....
Most folks just shake their head when I am around. "There she goes again!"

Thanks for your visit and post.
Oh, Shoney's and pecan logs...and those big rainbow lollies!
The sight of a big red A-frame roof would get my juices going as a child!
I am not from KY, though. I am a fairly new transplant from beautiful Arkansas. I retired from nursing and moved here to be with My Boyfriend (caps to demontrate how totally cool it is say those words as an old fart.) :-)
Thanks again for dropping by....come wipe your feet on my welcome mat any time!

~Nancy~ said...

Stuckey's....
Shoney's.....

Eh, close enough, huh?

;-)

elasticwaistbandlady said...

nancy, if Mr.Dumass goes with one of your super awesome T-shirt expressions, I'll send you one!