Friday, February 23, 2007

Hook, Line, And Stinker.....


It was a dark and turbulently stormy night as a young couple huddled together in their car parked at the forested end of a desolate street. Well aware of the numerous cautionary tales of a murderous hook-handed man that preys on amorous intentioned people just like them, they shook with fright when they heard a soft scraping sound penetrate the night air.

One look out the car window revealed a hooded shadowy figure looming beside their vehicle making them shriek with blood curdling terror. A thundering burst of lightning illuminated the sky and it was then that they noticed the gigantic hook poised in mid air and ready to strike.

The wind blew the hood backwards and then it was known that this wasn't the treacherous hook-handed man, after all. But, instead, the friendly neighborhood hook-handed girl who did actually have two hands but fancied herself to be more Captain Hook in her imaginative play than froufrou Tinkerbell. The couple sighed with relief but when they told the hook-handed girl that they didn't have the Twinkies which she sought, things turned very, very ugly for them............

Moral Of The Story: When life hands you broken hangers, make your children into Twinkie-eating, Captain Hook clones.

12 comments:

Redwine said...

EWL< Now I know who the future. Mrs Captain Hook is...guess who?(Wendy should be the
banana princess?) However, that story misses something, we should save captain Hook, he needs a sweetheart or at least a wife. I see a hope here... That story must be rewritten, that is a must. Miss WMD Hook will save the poor lonely captain. 9In case the brave captain doesn't run away).

Annie said...

Wow! Another helpful household tip! Thanks to you I know what to do with my empty toilet paper rolls and broken hangers. But, what do I do with burnt out lightbuibs?

Demosthenes said...

Nothing like plastic hangers to cause a very, very slow and agonizing death. The abrasions would be hideous.

wendela said...

Wow, I never knew those type of hangers broke that often. Your mini-infidels must have some super-human strength. And great imaginations, thanks to you. :)

carronin said...

Let's make a play date with our daughters mine will be the frou frou tinkerbell and yours Captain Hook. You and I can get drunk while they play, but don't tell Millie.
That's song gets stuck in your head I've been singing it around my house. My boy said, "mom what the heck are you singing."

No Cool Story said...

YEAH UH HUH! Welcome to the Jungle of hooks!!

We got fun 'n' games
We got everything you want
Even Hooks!!

Watch it bring you to your n,n,n,n,,n n, n, n,knees, knees
with HOOKS!

Amber said...

Point taken...and what a blog! I was lured by your name. I mean, Eleastic Waist Band Lady? This hit home, especially since I realized I haven't worn a belt since I first got pregnant four years ago....

Theoretical Grammatarian said...

See, this is why I'm hooked on your blog, EWBL! Helpful household tips and ridiculously cute kids keep me hanging around.
Drat...I should have gone with the pirate puns; hanger puns are harder to come up with than I thought.

Kimberly said...

Don't know how to say this...but the real Captain Hook was much prettier.

Don't think he could pull of that shade of blue though.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

redwine!!!-You came, you saw, you commented...............all the way from Transylvania! Most days Melody is a lover not a fighter unless you come between her and her snack tray or dare to tell her, "NO."

Annie-Dye them and break them up into little pieces to form a lovely mosaic. Put them in your mouth to see if they light up. This means that you're descended from the royal line of Uncle Fetser. Collect them, build a lightbulb float, and host the First Annual Fruita Edison Appreciation Parade. I'm so full of ideas.....among other things.

demosthenes- A new slasher flick coming soon to a theater near you. "I Know What You Did Last Summer In The Dollar Aisle At Wal-Mart."

wendela- We sometimes have our clean laundry stacked up on the sofa. Alright, more than sometimes. The items already on the hangers are crushed by the occasional butt plopping down on them. That's right, we break hangers with the sheer deadly force of our own buttocks.

carronin- There's nothing finer than Richard Cheese music......to get tipsy to while your children run screaming through the house because one is chasing the rest with a plastic hanger hook in their hand. Good times.

NCS- Old Axel should adopt this version for his performances because he's getting a little long in the tooth to rock out in his wife beaters and greasy mullet. Super Happy Girl went shopping for hats again, didn't she? Oooh, Oooh, what she bring me? I've always wanted a special Samuel L. Jackson edition red Kangol cap. I met him once at the buffet. We bonded over chicken fried steak and homestyle gravy.

amber- Indeed. My fashion snob self died an agonizing death 11 years ago when I first gave birth and realized that I couldn't tuck in my shirts any longer because I needed them to cover my residual post-pregnancy gut flap. I've seen you and your cute little hat around. Beware Super Happy Girl. Don't turn your back on her for a moment or she'll claim your hat as her own.

THEO!!!!- As the New Kids On The Block would say, "Hanging Tough!" Dropping New Kid quotes, it really doesn't get much better than that.

kimberly- Melody had her ruffled shirt and feathered cap in the wash that day. Otherwise, her and Captain Hook would have been fierce competitors in the "Pirate Queen" pageant.

jams o donnell said...

I do like it when children want to be the baddy.. when playing I always wanted to be the german etc as you could play dirty and it was expected of you!!!

elasticwaistbandlady said...

jams- I always wanted to play the German too. Mainly, because that gave me an excuse to eat more sauerkraut. Have you ever seen "I Know What You Did Last Summer?" I read the book as a kid, and when I saw Melody running around the house with her hoodie on, hanger hook in hand, it reminded me of the fisherman revenge killer from the book. Thankfully, Melody doesn't own a yellow rain slicker or I would have been totally creeped out.