Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Don't Hate Me Because I'm A Perfect 10

Bo Derek and I have a lot in common. Yes, we both share the enviable quality of having attained perfect "10" status. I tried to solidify our special connection by buying one of those hand held hair beader gizmo thingies to replicate the Bo Derek look. Ummm, something went disastrously wrong as it entangled my hair, wrapping it tightly around my throat as I struggled to dislodge this tool of the Devil and avoid beaded hair strangulation. Seriously. I very nearly didn't survive the experience, but I guess that's the price you pay when you're maintaining a perfect 10 lifestyle.

I've never shown many photographs of myself around here but now is your chance to take a glimpse into my perfect 10 kind of world.

Yes, those are my new shoes. As you can see, I didn't mislead you. I am a perfect 10, and I have the shiny sticker to prove it! And yes, the brand is White Mountain. Oh, the irony because I am indeed a massive mountain of white. Some have the mistaken notion that being a perfect 10 is all glitz and glamour but they couldn't be more wrong. When you're a perfect 10 the odds are stacked against you to find a really cute pair of shoes at the storewide clearance sale racks. When you're a perfect 10 all eyes turn to you to go and squish the giant cockroach scurrying across the floor. You know, because Mother Nature endowed you with naturally ginormous stomping arsenal. When you're a perfect 10, you go as a clown for Halloween because the dainty Cinderella costume glass slipper shattered in your hand when you tried to wedge your sweaty, behemoth foot inside of it. It seems that society has a scale for everything and I tip those scales in more ways than one.

My four daughters aspire to one day follow in my shoes and to also become perfect 10's. They literally, have some really big shoes to fill to accomplish this.


Sketchy said...

Perfect 10 for comedy.

Hey, Kate Winslet has a size 11 foot (don't ask me why I know this, I'm not sure how that comes to be part of my random knowledge). Doesn't that make you feel beautiful, confident and petite?

Burg said...

Sadly, I'm only a lowly 9.5... Which probably also explains the behavior I'd have had towards the Asian...

Kimberly said...

Want to hear something weird? Course you're you.

I was a perfect 10 in high school and now I'm a 9. Seriously. Down a whole size. I gained fifty pounds and lost a shoe size. Yup. I'm a freak.

jams o donnell said...

Alas I am a mere size 9 myself. But you know what they say about men with small feet?

Small Shoes!

Slackermommy said...

Your comment on my blog totally cracked me up!

Carrotjello said...

I'm a 10 too, so you've got competition. My 12 year old might out-do us. She's already a 9 1/2.

No Cool Story said...

I'm a 7.
What does that make me? Not a 10 obviously.
I hope you use your 10s for good and only good: "With great power comes great responsibility".
The children of America are counting on you EWBL.

compulsive writer said...

Size matters. Hahahahaha.

In my perfect Birkenstock world I'm a perfect 38.

Elizabeth-W said...

Boy howdy do I feel inadequate. On my most Bo Dereky day, I'm topping out at 6.5, but tend mostly to be a 6. The good thing about this is that you can buy child size clogs from Hanna A. The bad thing about this is you have poor balance as a result of much girth on small feet. My dad says it was all the foot binding I did as a kid wearing socks to bed.

Demosthenes said...

I know the whole men's-women's scale translation is formidable, but I'm a 10 on the former... does that count for anything?

emma jo said...

I'm mad rush on shoes in that generic size for which there is never an ample selection. I sometimes buy a 9 because I can barely get away with it...and I have to say there is freedom in the sizes beyond the drab 7 71/2. You are indeed lucky.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

sketchy- No. Especially not if it means that I'll have someone filming me making out with creepy Leonardo DiCaprio. Kate and her Titanic sized feet!

burg- Feareth not and shed no tears my small footed maiden, we have feet stretching torture racks to remedy your less than perfect 10 status.

kimberly- My feet grew nearly half a size with every birth. I was an 8 1/2 shoe in high school. Everybody knew that too since I had a fondness for bowling alley shoes with the size stamped on the back. I'm afraid to have any more kids. I don't want to have to wear the "Shaquille O'Neal" special footwear.

jams- Papi and I share not only love, laughter, and many children, but also the same shoe size. It makes it more convenient to pick up shoes on sale for him. I just stand in as his foot proxy and try them on myself. I got some very odd looks at Nunn Bush and Floresheim when I did that.

slackermommy- Yeah? Well you totally crack me up! So, there.

carrot- You're a 10 too? Yeah, but can you make 101 things out of nothing but a can of SPAM and a bag of frozen lima beans? Ha! I didn't think so. I'm still ahead in this competition, sister.

NCS- The children of America are counting on me. While the slave labor children of China cry because it takes so long for them to stitch up a pair of size 10 shoes. I'm sad now, NCS. I was going to bequeath you all my shoes in my will. Now, I guess that when I die, carrot gets them all.

compulsive- Birkenstock? You are so very granola. Tell me you wear them with your tie dye shirt and Grateful Dead doo rag, and large cannabis leaf motif jewelry.

elizabeth- We never have child sized clogs here. Just ask our plumber.

dem- No. I could still stomp the crap out of you in a "Boot-Scootin Boogie" marathon.

emma jo- I wanted the most awesome pair of shoes ever at Ross. They're slip-on Keds style sneakers with a skull and crossbones motif all over it. They didn't carry a size "obscenely huge." :( I was going to wear them to Church too. There's nothing more reassuring to a parent dropping off their beloved toddler to a Nursery worker wearing skull and crossbone shoes.

Chris said...

I'm a size 12 (US? UK? Malaysia? World?) and let me tell you, it's a nightmare trying to buy shoes for me. Over here sizes above 9 are considered something worthy of brow-raising, monstrous even.

I feel like Ronald McDonald. Minus the curly hair. The red lips. The makeup. The silliness. Ah!

Mimo said...

For really good beading you'll have to go to "the islands". However with your fair skin, you should lather up your scalp with sunscreen first.
This song makes me want to grove, too bad I'm just a dorky white girl who can't dance.

Suzanne said...

I'm an 8 or 8 1/2 I have wide "duck feet" so sometimes I have to buy a size larger to accommodate. I don't know why the fashion industry thinks women only have slender feet. Hmph... I just would rather never wear shoes at all and run around barefoot.

Annie said...

I hope you love your size 10 feet. Women with small feet fall down a lot. True dat!

carronin said...

I'm a 7-8 but what I'm really curious about is I know we share the same problem with hairy chins.I have to shave my feet as well do you have to do the same with your size 10s.

Lianne said...

I just graduated to being a 10 since I decided I like my clogs loser.

I feel so liberated.

I don't think it is because I'm fat, it's because my feet are FREEEEEEEEE

elasticwaistbandlady said...

chris- If you offer dollar hamburgers like Ronald does, we'll be friends forever!

mimo- I had to take down the J.Lo because it was hard to work at the computer while shaking my butt in the chair. Maybe she'll make a triumphant return this weekend. That's weekend style music anyway, is it not? Right now, I have my favorite husband/wife team from Mexico City on named LU.

suzanne-LOL! My Papi calls those "tamale" or "burrito" feet. Two of our kids need shoes marked WIDE.

annie- I love the intimidating power it brings me.

carronin-I have to shave my toes too because they get long, curly hairs and I feel ashamed to wear my sandals.

lianne-Yes, born free. As free as the wind bloooooows!

nikko said...

Hello from another 10. I agree that the odds are stacked against us, but suprisingly enough it's getting better, the selection at the clearance rack, that is.

Rhonda said...

I am almost there with you! When I got pregnant, my foot grew a 1/2 size, putting me in a 9-1/, I am guessing it will happen again when baby #2 is on the way.

Congrats on having the "10" in common with Bo...much better than the braids. said...

My glamerous friend on Law & Order has size 10 feet. There are way cuter shoes on the sales racks for that size then for a 7 because so many people are a 7.

Also my wonderful stepmom has larger feet, like a 9 or 10 wide or wide wide, she shops downtown at Brucette's and loves it.

I had a hair beading this back in the day. It came with a Barbie but I shaved her hair off and used it on my own hair. I was such a looker.

carronin said...

I shave my big toes too. But I wasn't going to admit to it until you did first.