Monday, March 19, 2007

The Candy Mann Can!

This real estate agent is in desperate need of a savvy Press Agent. And I'm ready to volunteer my unique 'marketing whore' services for the job. Just envision a whole promotional paraphernalia blitz with my craftily genius slogan boldly emblazoned across them. Yeah, a veritable butt load of plastic combs, coozies, key chains, all printed with "Need To Sell Your House Fast? THE CANDY MANN CAN!" She needs glitz! She needs glamour! She needs huge signs adorned with dancing multi-colored lollipops to take advantage of her sweet, sweet name. I mean, who wouldn't want to buy a house from the Candy Mann? It's the kind of name recognition that earns you immediate attention and fanfare. I'm afraid that dear 'Candace' just isn't capitalizing on the marketing potential that having such an incredible moniker allows her. If Candy Mann called you on the telephone, wouldn't you brag to all your friends that you personally know the Candy Mann? I would.

How about this cute little jingle for her radio and T.V. ads? It goes to the tune of The Candy Man. The original one, not Christina Aguilera's horrifying version.
Who can take a crap house
And shine it up with paint?
Cover up the termites and the cracks. What a Saint!
The Candy Mann, the Candy Mann can
Candy Mann can 'cause she sells a house with love
And makes the 'hood look good....

Candy Mann should just embrace the sweet awesomeness of her name. After all, her sister, Gaye Mann, wasn't nearly as lucky as her. Gaye Mann barely eaks out a living driving an ice cream truck. Believe it or not, people aren't that eager to buy frozen treats from a vehicle that says 'Gaye Mann Ice Cream' on the side. "I scream, you scream, we all scream at Gaye Mann Ice Cream." Poor Gaye Mann.

17 comments:

Carrotjello said...

Hmmm, does Gaye Mann sell rainbow ice cream?

jams o donnell said...

WE have a tv presenter called Gay Search. She appears on the primtime Friday evening gardening prog Gardeners World (Honest on both counts)

Glo said...

I made the mistake of letting a friend tell me the graphic details of a horror movie called 'The Candy Man.', So, let me tell you one person who would wet herself and run screaming in terror towards the largest group of people standing in a well-lit open space with absolutely no hiding places should the Candy Mann ever call or stop by.

Demosthenes said...

At least 'Tina can sing... I mean, compared to the other bubblegum pop girls of that era, anyway. When all those thongs no longer fit, she'll still have her voice.

Kimberly said...

If I ever need a publicist, you're my gal.

Annie said...

"She needs glitz! She needs glamour!" She needs an awesome up-do provided by a Hot Fruita Mom!

Elizabeth-W said...

You are totally into real estate agents :) Is this your third one now? I need to pay more attention to realtors in my neighborhood.

Burg said...

That was so funny I almost made some lawn fertilizer!

Amber said...

Brilliant, simply brilliant. And I loved your Depends campaign ideas; wanna go into business? :-)

elasticwaistbandlady said...

carrot- Yes, and lots of Tutti-Frutti.

jams- Gaye Search? I bet her backyard shows are especially entertaining.

glo- Oh, you play all innocent but you know that you'd accept candy from a stranger. Even a stranger named Candy Mann.

dem- She can sing! She can dance! She can wear microscopic pants! It's all been done before.

kim-Great! I'm starting a campaign now to have you declared the greatest Canadian Cheese the world has ever known.

annie- You'd mess with her mullet? Gasp! Them be fighting words, miss annie.

elizabeth- The official real estate agent mockery tally comes in at 2. More to come. Stay tuned.

burg- Ahhh, how sweet. Opportunity knocking, grab your plastic baggie and don't let it get away!

amber- I got the brains, you got the looks.....let's make lots of money!

carronin said...

She needs you. Her home sales would triple if she took avantage of her name.Come on Candace embrace your inner Candy Mann Elastic will show you how.

Thoroughly Mormon Millie said...

When I was working in high school, my supervisor's name was Don Gay. I asked him if anyone ever made fun of his name and he said, "Only the a**holes."

Isn't that a lovely story. Speaking of Gaye and Candy Mann. What about their brothers, Harry and Cro-Magnon?

Lyle said...

Oh the names that some people end up with. My folks are friends with a Dee Frost. He's a great guy, but undoubtedly he has heard his fair share of jokes.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

carronin- Now who's the salesperson?

millie- No. Gaye and Candy have 2 brothers named Bart Mann and Manfred Mann. They used to sing in his Earth Band and get revved up like a deuce.

LYLE!- Long time, no speak, my fellow Texan. Yep, I went to school with Dustin Rhodes(Dusty), and white trash sisters Crystal and Candy Cane. *le sigh* Tell me that your surname isn't crocodile? Lyle, Lyle, Crocodile!

on.the.run said...

Funny.

No Cool Story said...

Earth Band! I love the Mann bothers!
I once hear this couple wanted to name their kid Bean. Their last name? Boston.
Is that true or just an Urban Legend directed to us little naive Mexics?

elasticwaistbandlady said...

If my last name was Boston, I'd name my kid, Amanda. You know like Boston's song,'Amanda?' Oh, never mind. Runner up names would be Marathon or Cream Pie.

on the run- You and I are blessed that we had sensible parents. Well, at least in the naming arena.