Thursday, March 15, 2007

My Own Little Pearls Of Great Price

The oldest of the Infidel spawn, Sunbum, possesses a bounty of clever pith stored up in her stocky, EMO wannabe, pre-teen body. You never know when she'll bubble over and unleash a torrent of caustic snark either. Long tortured by her more gregarious sister, Monkey, who's only 11 months younger, Sunbum pounces on any and all retaliatory opportunities. While at the park this week, the kids frolicked on the playground. The equipment and sand pit had seen heavy drenching from two days of continuous typhoon-like rain. Naturally, everywhere my little minions wandered, they accumulated layers upon layers of muddy grime onto their clothing. When Monkey turned her attention towards the honking geese behind us, Sunbum yelled out at her with the jeer to end all jeers. She screeched, "Hey Monkey, what's up with all that sand on your butt? Are you working on grinding out a pearl with the sheer force of your butt muscles?"

It's apparent that I have embraced and excelled in the duties of motherhood. Who knew that purchasing a set of National Geographic Kids books for my mini-Infidels would pay off in such a big way? Knowledge really is power! Well, power to step up your insult game, that is.

18 comments:

Syar said...

Oh, SNAP!

That was a good one. Grade A snark.

omar said...

Was that what Monkey was doing? And did it work? Because that would be a phenomenal talent to have. All along I've been trying to find a way for my kid to pay or himself...

carronin said...

That little story reminded me of a quote from Ferris Bueller's Day off. "Cameron is so up tight that if shoved a piece of coal up he's...."

b. said...

I gotta hand it to her....that WAS a good one! My boys can tease quite a bit, but girls are ruthless. I would've had to walk away to laugh at that one though.

Carrotjello said...

Wow she's amazing. Think of what she'll come up with when she's older. This post reminded me of my dream last night. I was opening a lot of clams and oysters. Not sure what that means.

Carrotjello said...

Uh oh, I just looked it up. It suggests I am emotionally cold and shutting others out. Not letting them in on my problems.
My dreams know I am mad at my husband. Scary. I think I need to go lie down in Elizabeths blog.

Elizabeth-W said...

Oh boy! All I could do if I were you is hope she never directed that intensity at me! Do you think that was off the cuff, or that she'd worked at the idea for a half-hour before she got it just right? Either way....Wow!
Carrot, lovey. Before I read your second note, my interpretation was related to your process of creating new beauty! Dream interpretation, my eye.
And my word verification has about 25 stinkin' letters.

Radioactive Jam said...

I think someone needs to be made aware of this product. Either Sunbum for future snarks, or Monkey for-- well, I'm not sure. But you'd think of something.

Lianne said...

OK, pre-teen snark is only second to teenage girl snark. Maybe I just say that the word "bitch" springs into my head but not out my mouth with waaaay too much regularity.

They do grow out of it, you know.

jams o donnell said...

That was a good comment from anyone ewbl... you should be proud of Sunbum! What did Monkey do in response?

No Cool Story said...

Looks like the Mini-Infidels are proud and aware of their heritage, way to go Elastic, you proud mama you.

RaJ: Anti Monkey Butt Powder!, brilliant.

Radioactive Jam said...

One of my all-time favorite things. Just trying to help in my own incomprehensible way.

Annie said...

I realize that I am in the prime of my parenthood life right now.
My kids are all old enough to wipe their own cans, but still young enough to not be able to out-snark me.

Burg said...

I wish I could grind a pearl out of sand with my butt muscles. I'm pretty sure that shoving a lump of coal up my mother-in-laws ass will get me a diamond in a few days, but she won't stand still long enough for me to find out..

elasticwaistbandlady said...

syar- Grade A? Yesssssss. I'll tell Sunbum that Master Snark Professor Syar has given her good snark marks. A little something for the college aps.

omar- No, Monkey can't actually grind out a pearl from her rear. She's still worth a lot of money though.......in the fertilizer industry.

carronin- I'm Abe Frohman, the Sausage King Of Chicago!

b.- I didn't reprimand Sunbum at all because I was so astonished and amused at her quick wit. My 2 sons can well attest to the delight it is growing up with 4 bossy sisters.

carrot- When I have dreams about opening clams and oysters it means I'm hungry. I'm so thankful that my body comes equipped with a midnight snack sensor. And a 1:00 snack sensor. And a 2:00 snack sensor. And a........ Can't we just blame all your dreams on the pregnancy hormones? It's just easier for you and less complex that way. I'm still blaming hormones for everything and I haven't had a kid in 4 years.

elizabeth- I swear she rattled it off as smoothly as if she had been reading from 'The Big Book Of Oyster Insults.'

RAJ- I tried the Monkey Butt Powder because the store was all out of anti-Monkey Butt Powder and I assumed that it was the same thing. I grew a tail and a big red bulbous thing on my rear end. :( I also have a burning desire to throw poop at you right now.

lianne- My mom just reminded me yesterday that Sunbum will be ready to leave in only 6 short years. I just wanted to hold Sunbum close and let her whisper sweet snarkiness into my ear. 6 years??? How freaking old am I?

jams- Pouted. Sulked. Stomped her foot. Told Sunbum it wasn't funny. Complained to me. Sunbum and I were laughing too hard to even take much notice at that point. And then I was like, "Ooooh the birth of a new favorite saying in the Infidel house." Thanks Sunbum!

NCS-RAJ is our resident blog expert on all things monkey related. He keeps swearing that he's not from the Planet Of The Apes but won't take my simple DNA test to prove it. Hmmmm, monkey bizness goin on round here.

RAJ- Still whoring up your anti-Monket Butt Powder, are you? You know that it brought a lot of unhappiness and permanently damaged the relationship between Michael Jackson and Bubbles, right?

annie- Amen on fully potty trained kids. I can't say enough good things about that. I recommend that you go and purchase the National Geographic Kids nature books to step up your insult/snark game like Sunbum did. It will be snarkalicious and educational. My favorite combo.

burg- I tried that coal thing with my own mother-in-law. Too bad there was a stick permanently lodged up in there. :(

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Oh, and the wit of Sunbum didn't end there either. Monkey will forgo desserts in favor of bread. She is a freakin bread addict and will do anything to get it! So, when we were walking by the horde of honking geese I warned the kids not to get too close to them because they're notorious for their unpredictable mean ways. I said, "Watch out because they get really angry and vicious when you don't have any bread for them." Sunbum said with a smile, "Yeah, so does Monkey." :)

Sunbum And Her Park Snark-2
Monkey Comebacks-0

Chris said...

Emo and snark no go together, Confucius say. And he also say, no Fallout Boy!

on.the.run said...

I guess if I home schooled my kids they would have better insults for eachother.... we will just have to stick with them telling eachother they stink.