Friday, March 09, 2007
For All That You Can't Leave Behind
Today, I'm slicking back my hair to make it all fabulously greasy and glistening. I'm also donning my special occasion powder blue polyester 3-piece business suit to channel the inner life insurance salesman within me. I may even go all crazy and put on some mustache wax to give it an awesome sheen. Yes, this is a very special Infidel Public Service Announcement brought to you today by the fine folks at Just My Size fat women sweats gear with a special contribution from the Frito Lay Corporation and their superb Cheeto product line.
See the guys in the picture? They're smiling through their pain. You see, the women in their lives have forced them into using painful 1-ply toilet paper for their hygiene needs. The womenfolk also went and cut off ESPN Sports Center and then had the further audacity to make these men give up their Cornut addictions and settle for the less manly tasting dollar store imitations. The man in the right hand corner hasn't gotten a new flannel shirt since Nirvana broke up. And the poor guy up front got a lame James Spader makeover down at the student beauty college. The dude up in the left side of the frame wears glasses all the time so he can be incognito when he drives his 20 year old Yugo hatchback. This was all a valiant effort to make room in the family budget for the necessary evil that is life insurance.
I can't think of anything more disheartening than facing the tragedy of losing your spouse and then have your attention and time subverted from your children who need you more now than ever because you have financial woes on your mind and must work overtime to make ends meet. After hearing too many young widows call into financial radio guru, Dave Ramsey, in desperate circumstances, I told Papi that we needed to buy a life insurance policy outside of his company's optional insurance offerings. I advocated this because whenever you switch jobs you have a certain period of waiting before your benefits kick in and I wanted to make sure that I wouldn't have to take up residence in a cardboard box with our six kids if Papi dies. However, I do have some great cardboard box home decorating ideas that would make Martha Stewart turn green with envy. Papi took out a nice princely sum on himself naming me as beneficiary, of course. I told him that I already have big plans for the money and he just has to do his part to set it all in motion. Papi did not look amused at this kind of morbid talk. Even stay at home moms should take out a policy thus ensuring your husband will have the opportunity to focus more on your children's needs than work in the event of your demise. Your husband may even have enough money coming to him from your policy that he can hire a smokin hot French nanny to tend your children. Nothing can replace you, of course, but this will help him heal the sorrow. Ladies, you can try out the latest in child care and hire yourself a buff "MANNY," to lighten up your burdens. Ummm, I really don't want any of you guys in my blogger family to die. Okay? So sit up straight, go take a walk, and drop the chalupa!
Just please remember that life insurance isn't for the dead. It's for the living. Think of your family and the quality of life they would have if something unforeseen happens to you. My work here is done. I'm going to change into my leisure suit now and sip me a Shirley Temple with a twist of lime while I listen to some Bee Gees on the record player and lounge on my red velvet sofa.