Friday, March 09, 2007

For All That You Can't Leave Behind


Today, I'm slicking back my hair to make it all fabulously greasy and glistening. I'm also donning my special occasion powder blue polyester 3-piece business suit to channel the inner life insurance salesman within me. I may even go all crazy and put on some mustache wax to give it an awesome sheen. Yes, this is a very special Infidel Public Service Announcement brought to you today by the fine folks at Just My Size fat women sweats gear with a special contribution from the Frito Lay Corporation and their superb Cheeto product line.

See the guys in the picture? They're smiling through their pain. You see, the women in their lives have forced them into using painful 1-ply toilet paper for their hygiene needs. The womenfolk also went and cut off ESPN Sports Center and then had the further audacity to make these men give up their Cornut addictions and settle for the less manly tasting dollar store imitations. The man in the right hand corner hasn't gotten a new flannel shirt since Nirvana broke up. And the poor guy up front got a lame James Spader makeover down at the student beauty college. The dude up in the left side of the frame wears glasses all the time so he can be incognito when he drives his 20 year old Yugo hatchback. This was all a valiant effort to make room in the family budget for the necessary evil that is life insurance.

I can't think of anything more disheartening than facing the tragedy of losing your spouse and then have your attention and time subverted from your children who need you more now than ever because you have financial woes on your mind and must work overtime to make ends meet. After hearing too many young widows call into financial radio guru, Dave Ramsey, in desperate circumstances, I told Papi that we needed to buy a life insurance policy outside of his company's optional insurance offerings. I advocated this because whenever you switch jobs you have a certain period of waiting before your benefits kick in and I wanted to make sure that I wouldn't have to take up residence in a cardboard box with our six kids if Papi dies. However, I do have some great cardboard box home decorating ideas that would make Martha Stewart turn green with envy. Papi took out a nice princely sum on himself naming me as beneficiary, of course. I told him that I already have big plans for the money and he just has to do his part to set it all in motion. Papi did not look amused at this kind of morbid talk. Even stay at home moms should take out a policy thus ensuring your husband will have the opportunity to focus more on your children's needs than work in the event of your demise. Your husband may even have enough money coming to him from your policy that he can hire a smokin hot French nanny to tend your children. Nothing can replace you, of course, but this will help him heal the sorrow. Ladies, you can try out the latest in child care and hire yourself a buff "MANNY," to lighten up your burdens. Ummm, I really don't want any of you guys in my blogger family to die. Okay? So sit up straight, go take a walk, and drop the chalupa!

Just please remember that life insurance isn't for the dead. It's for the living. Think of your family and the quality of life they would have if something unforeseen happens to you. My work here is done. I'm going to change into my leisure suit now and sip me a Shirley Temple with a twist of lime while I listen to some Bee Gees on the record player and lounge on my red velvet sofa.

9 comments:

Kimberly said...

Wow...sobering stuff. Neil got a policy a few months ago and I'm suddenly really profoundly grateful.

By the way, I accidentally called him "Sweatheart" tonight. You should've seen the look on his face.

No Cool Story said...

This is one of the topics I don't like to talk about (I know I am lame and I actually SHOULD be talking about stuff like this, yeah, what are you going to do right?). DH has had life insurance for years, last thing you want is that, on top of all the heartache, have to deal with having no money.

Burg said...

Hanes and Just My Size clothing is made by the Sara Lee Corporation. Coincidence?? I think not.

compulsive writer said...

Amen! Although if my husband settled in with a hot French nanny I think I'd come back to haunt him!

Carrotjello said...

I'm sure I'll feel a lot of relief when my husband gets his act together and goes and gets his life ins. I bug him about it all the time. It can't be that hard, right?

jams o donnell said...

Done and done.. I am definitely worth a lot more to the not wife dead than alive..

mm I've never noticed that the not wife look a little like Barbara Stanwyck and that peson she's talking to looks for all the world like Fred McMurray.... what are they talking about? ..ble indem... ach it cant be anything important!

Annie said...

My Secret Agent Man has plenty of life insurance, policies that we have purchased and policies from "the company". In his super secrety line of work, you never no when an attempt dethrone a despot, will end up in the lighting the wrong end of the dynamite. With this in mind, I have a plan. First I will move mymomma and big rich into my digs to take care of my home and kids. Then I will return to my former professions of dispatcher and school picture taker.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

kimberly- I'm glad that your little sweatheart has ensured that his family will be taken care of now and later.

NCS- I know. I'm a very high maintenance woman and I would be really sad to have to buy generic Twinkies and give up my bad habit of shopping the itunes store on top of losing Papi.

Burg- CONSPIRACY! I knew it! They make those stretchy elastic waist band pants so that you can conveniently carry your Sara Lee pound cake loaf with you. Like a 'Meal On The Go' thing only fattier, more buttery, and more calorie dense. Mmmmmmmm, pound cake.

compulsive writer- My mom got herself a new man shortly after my stepdad passed away. She swears that she woke up with bruises in the morning and had dreams that my stepdad was coming into the room while she slept and pinching her. I'd like Super Nanny to come live with me along with some domestic help. I don't really care what country they come from as long as they clean the inches of dust off my fan blades and scrape the crust off the floor under the refrigerator.

carrot- With a new baby on the way, this is a pivotal time to get life insurance for both of you. The family that lost their father this week had a newborn baby and the life insurance just lapsed as he changed jobs and was diagnosed with cancer in a one month period. Do you understand how scary that is to have to support your family without your spouse and without money to at least take care of your immediate debt and funeral expenses? No, you need to bribe Mr. Carrot with your spicy carrot charms and get him a policy pronto.

jams- Who's the beneficiary? Robyn, Ted, Mimi, Bebe, or the not wife? The cats would be benevolent and make sure the not wife has enough people kibbles for all the rest of her days. I'm sure of it. Well, that is, IF there's anything left after their dazed spree of catnip buying and kitty mayhem.

annie- Secret Agent Man is really a Secret Insurance Agent Man, isn't he? I bet he tells you all the time, "Hey Annie baby, you know me, and you're in gooooood hands!"

carronin said...

Dave Ramsey knows what he's talking about. Everybody should listen to him.Be smart and buy lots of life insurance and get out of debt.