Tuesday, March 06, 2007

This Is Dedicated To The Skipping Impaired Among Us

I allowed my sweet daughters to watch the new video for the song "Be Good To Me" from the Disney manufactured star du jour, Ashley Tisdale. I realized instantly what a grievous error in judgment I made, for not only did Ashley cavort around in front of thousands of screaming and impressionable pre-teen girls wearing nothing but skimpy booty shorts and a corset style bustier, but she also opened up her dance routine with herself and a bevy of backup dancers skipping to the beat. Yes, skipping. It dredged up scarring memories of my less than idyllic childhood and the shame bestowed upon me because I lacked the ability to skip. My pre-school teacher pointed an accusatory finger at my mom and told her that something must be gravely amiss with me because a normal child should possess an infinite amount of skipping prowess by the age of 4. The other children sensed and vulturously sniffed out my weakness forcing me to lose every round of 'Simon Says' we ever played. They'd laughingly cast a skewed glance at me and command, "Simon says to.......SKIP!" The abject humiliation felt unbearable.

I tried to remedy the skipping ailment on my own by begging my mom to buy Skippy brand peanut butter instead of her usual cost cutting generic brand. Contrary to my childish belief system, however, Skippy does not, in fact, hold magical skipping powers.

All these years later and I still can't skip. I've tried. I've failed. I've endured teasing from my own children as they flaunt their Skip-It toy in my face. The ramifications of non-skipping are clear. I'll never find myself with the prestigious 'Skipper' title. Never. Not even for a 3-hour cruise.

And thank goodness I've never made any friends with people named Lou, because I'd never be able to skip to them.

I can't possibly be the only one in the world with this crippling limitation. I wonder if I can check myself into a prestigious Skipping Academy where the finest Skipping Professors in the business will teach me to skip like one of the impish VonTrapp children, frolicking and singing on the scenic mountainsides. I'd never skip class, well, because, I can't. Oh, to dream of a day where nobody will cast dispersions upon a non-skipping individual. A time where skippers and non-skippers alike will join hands and live in peaceful joy and harmony.


Lianne said...

As usual, so very, very clever.

I can skip, but rarely do. I think I'll have a go at it today. It will be good for my inner child.

stefanie said...

I'm sorry, but you ARE the ONLY one in the world who lacks the ability to skip.....Just kidding! My brother cannot skip. He is a deputy Sherriff and feels that his inability to skip has not affected his job performance in any way. :)

Kimberly said...

Your wit is seriously cracking me up this morning. Either you're the funniest gal I know in the whole bloggisphere, or sleep deprivation really messes with my perception of things.

Skipping isn't all it's cracked up to be, you know. I was one of those little girls who seemed born to skip. When I was fourteen my mom's best friend reported to her that she'd seen me skipping home from school. My mom gently pointed out that this may be part of the whole social awkwardness problem, etc...

I still feel a little guilty whenever I indulge...

Maybe they'll come out with Skipping for Dummies soon?

carronin said...

I wonder if I tried eating some Peter Pan peanut butter I wouldn't grow any older and I'd develop that ability to fly. You know, a fat old mom can have her little fantasies.

Thoroughly Mormon Millie said...

Don't you mean the Von SKIPP children?

I never got what the whole thing was with skipping. So you can't skip. What chromosome do they think is missing because of that? Who cares? I notice that it's on my children's report cards, even. "Your child is polite, well-behaved, can recite the Declaration of Independence from memory, solves geometry proofs a la Will Hunting, and always eats all his lunch. But he can't skip, so I'm giving him an F."

It's like the world is just nuts.

Julie Q. said...

Maybe the compartment of your brain that determines one's sense of humor was just so overdeveloped that it has usurped the space normally devoted to skipping prowess.

If so, your impairment is the world's gain.

No Cool Story said...

I'm sorry to go against the grain here, but I'm only voting for Homecoming queen Skipper , she has a crown of flowers in her hair and change-around gown that can go from here to there.
I don't think I could ask for anything else.

Demosthenes said...

I can't open a wrapped starburst inside my mouth using only my tongue... I get crap for that.

So I feel your pain... only... not. But I wish I did. Relatively speaking, I do.

Rhonda said...

You really don't see too many people skipping around these days, so I think your secret would have been safe.

And at least you are still getting out of speeding tickets. I would take that over my AWESOME ability to skip any day.

Syar said...

I can't whistle or roll my tongue. Or ride a boke. Dem's given me crap for that.

Skip to my Lou...hilarious. That's a song right? "Skip to my Lou my darling"? Or am I getting the lyrics wrong?

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Well, I tried to skip just the other day to show my children that they can't possibly do something that I can't. My oldest, Sunbum, critiqued my moves and told me that I was gallopping, not skipping. Then the rest of them joined in teasing me with "Whoooooaaaaaa horsey. Where you gallopping off to?" Such sweet little children. I'll remember this on Christmas, their birthdays, Easter, when they're asleep and vulnerable.......

lianne-I used to have an inner child too, but then I gave birth. My inner child can skip. I can't.

stefanie- He's probably overcompensated for his lack of skipping mastery by carrying around a lethal weapon. His catchphrase? "Go ahead punk, laugh at my skipping and make my day!"

kimberly- I'm not sure about funny. I'm definitely funny looking though. And weird. I used to lament my skipping deficiency whenever I watched The Wizard Of Oz. I was like, man, even those little people can skip and sing at the same time. It completely amazed me.

carronin- It must suck to be Peter Pan. One day you're king of NeverNever Land and the next you're working for peanuts and fighting salmonella poisoning lawsuits.

millie- It must feel so shameful to be the mother of children who have to go through remedial skipping classes while your snooty friends brag about their "Gifted And Talented" program skippers. I bet they even have in your face bumper stickers that say, "My Child Made The Skipper Honor Roll At Podunk Elementary School And Yours Didn't"

julie- My brain compartment telling my body that it needs to eat is also way overdeveloped too.

NCS- That selfish skipping attention whore, Skipper. She's always going around trying to make people feel bad because she's a natural blonde and her head rotates completely around. She already gets to live in the Barbie Dream House and drive in the Barbie Corvette. Why does she have to rub it in that she can skip too? I heard her and Ken are sneaking out behind Barbie's back and keeping it on the low. Pass it on!

demosthenes- That's why I opt for Skittles. You can still taste the rainbow of fruit flavors without all the tiring work of unwrapping them. Thanks to Al Gore, I'm also thinking of the environment. Think of how many trees had to die to make that Starburst wrapper, you selfish harpie!

rhonda- Skipping is making a comeback, yo! Justin Timberlake may be bringing sexyback, but Ashley Tisdale is a one woman army bringing skippingback. Just watch the video I posted here. And then promptly call and cancel the Disney station before Annabelle is irrevocably corrupted.

syar-Tongue rolling is a hereditary marvel passed down from generation to generation. My dad can roll his tongue, but my mom can't. I can, and I've passed the extraordinary ability on to 5 of my 6 kids. My Papi can't roll his tongue either, so our oldest must have picked up his grossly defective anti-tongue rolling gene somewhere during her creation. It makes it really superb during watermelon seed spitting contests. You'll find that things expelled through a rolled tongue will find the bullseye more often than just your average spitter. That's very important to me. As I always say though, "Better a rolled tongue than a forked tongue." Or cow tongue. Bleah. That's a seriously nasty meal.

Yeah, when I saw that Skip2MyLou graphic with the tough looking guy on it, it cracked me up.

Chris said...

I can really click my tongue really loudly. It's a really loud pop akin to a frog's call. If a frog were my size of course.

And I can skip pretty well thank you very much.

jams o donnell said...

Damn I thought I had posted a comment. I am glad boys werent encouraged to skip (outside of the boxing gym) I would have been flat on my face many a time I'm sure!

Rhonda said...

Hey Chris...maybe that isn't just clicking. Maybe you actually have echolocation abilities.