Monday, April 09, 2007

And All Shall Obey The Command Of The Roach Whisperer!




What could my sexy-Mexi Papi possibly have in common with these three people? Well, while he may possess lovely little man chi-chis that look like slices of Mexican pepperoni, they certainly don't rival the chestage of 'The Ghost Whisperer.' Papi remains firmly old school in his doggy and child training practices too. No, soft voices and feel good mellowness did not factor in at all when he established himself as the alpha-male of our household. However, Papi has a gentle side that really surprises me sometimes.

Last week, my daughter who suffers from a phobia of insect close encounters of the worst kind, ran screaming from the house because she had spotted the biggest, baddest, ugliest cockroach in the history of cockroaches loitering around our front door like a roachy vampire just waiting for an invitation to cross the Infidel threshold. What did I do? What I always do when a roach is involved. I summoned forth Papi, our resident Roach Bounty Hunter and legendary Roach Slayer. My Sunbum and I watched from a safe distance as we waited for Papi to give that roach his last rites and extermination orders. Instead of the much anticipated Cucaracha Smackdown, though, I witnessed Papi leaning over the roach, speaking to it, and gesticulating wildly with his hands. What the frick?

I cautiously moved in closer and heard him telling the roach to move away from the house as he shooed it from our front stoop with a paper plate. The roach didn't scurry away at first, and actually had the temerity to rise up as though he needed more instruction from his master, Papi The Roach Whisperer. I wanted to give the roach directions too......to the nearest Raid Roach Motel! Where he could check in but never check out. Papi had one foot up in the air, and I wondered if our cucaracha had his entire life flash before his beady microscopic eyes as he literally waited for the other shoe to drop. Finally, Papi succeeded in ushering it out to our front yard where I hope it became supper for one of the many lizards running around. I couldn't resist teasing Papi calling him a 'closeted Buddhist' and 'The Roach Whisperer.' I imitated and mocked Papi endlessly, taunting him with a soft and whispery, "Move on now roach. Your business here is done and you need to go towards the light where your kazillion little roach family members are waiting for you."

So, aside from my title as The Smiling Infidel, I am also the 'Muchacha de la Whisperer Cucaracha!' This roach exorcism might have been just an anomalous event. We can't feel entirely certain that this little roach wasn't the stoner star of the 'La Cucaracha' song, so high from his 'marijuana que fumar' that he could barely stumble around, let alone figure out how to enter our house. Even with the door wide open. Oh well, at least he didn't try to sing us any Bob Marley songs or tell Cheech and Chong jokes. I should patent my Papi's awesome roach whispering skills. He's like the Roachy Pied Piper. I'd live in fear of the major insecticide companies, though, looking to rub out their superior roach extermination competition.

15 comments:

Elizabeth-W said...

I have a picture just for you I took while I was in Houston. I'll get Shazzy to size it down so I can put it on my blog.

Slackermommy said...

Roaches give me the creeps and I have no problem squashing them to a crunchy death.

Toni said...

Gross! Even that roach makes me want to bathe!

Melody said...

Too much! Too,too much! I hear no place grows roaches like Texas does...lucky you live with the whisperer.

And have I mentioned the "cat in the helmet hat" is one of the funniest photos I've seen in recent years. You're amazing. i don't know where you get this stuff.

And, yes, your huevos may be bigger than mine, but mine are real.

Dorky Dad said...

Oh, man. I could have totally used you at my house when we lived in South Carolina.

Lizard Princess said...

This is my first visit here, and I'm about to go to bed AND DREAM OF GIANT ROACHES!
J/K, you didn't traumatize me THAT much, but you did make me laugh, which is why I will likely visit again sometime (consider yourself forewarned- bwah ha ha ha).

Burg said...

I just yell for the dog. She may not be a great hunter, but she can catch any bug and slap it to death.

Lyle said...

I am amazed that we have lived in Texas for a year and a half now and our home has stayed roach free. Knock on wood, count your many belssings.

After two years of non stop roaches...here a roach, there a roach, everywhere a roach roach, ole McAmazon had a farm...

I hate roaches...more than anything else that creeps and crawls on this Earth. I don't think there is one gram of closeted Buddist in me.

Chris said...

My mom is the direct opposite of your papi. She'll look at the audacious roach, shoot it a wry smile and whacks it, dead.

As for me? I'd just run away.
MOMMY!

Thoroughly Mormon Millie said...

You should move here. In WA, there are no roaches.

I so didn't need to know that about Papi's lovely little man chi-chis. And I don't think I need to tell you what "frick" looked like at first.

You rebel.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

elizabeth- I reek of the stench that only the anxious anticipation of a special phot can bring.

slacker- I can't step on them because the crunch sound just plain squicks me out. No. I say save the crunchiness for potato chips and crispy fried chicken.

toni- You can bathe, but a roach can stay alive and tread water in the tub with you for 40 minutes. Bet you didn't know that.

melody- Dare you question the authenticity of my huevos?

dorky dad- I'll tell my Roach Whisperer Papi that a strange man is propositioning for his services over the Internet. He loves that kind of stuff!

lizard- Welcome! Lizards play an integral part of the cockroach elimination circle and as such I'll offer them up to you however you like. People around the world use roaches as food. I hear they're best charbroiled with a delicate lemon chutney sauce.

burg- Our Labrador, Reagan, cornered a huge snapping turtle in the backyard this morning. My hero. He doesn't kill the giant pine tree roaches crawling around, though. He just prances around and barks at them.

lyle- I can tolerate most bugs and I usually spare them the RAID can. Those that made my death warrant list include roaches, fire ants, and mosquitoes. Fire ants are both freakin vicious and tenacious!

chris- Ha! Maybe your mom should be the one to have a blog that goes by Whacker Inc. Make that Roach Whacker Inc.

millie- I learned the word 'frick' from carrot jello. Seriously. I lay the burden of generic knockoff profanities bandied about here squarely at her feet. I tease Papi all the time about his little pepperoni's. Maybe Bri doesn't have such chi-chi attributes. Are you jealous?

on.the.run said...

My dad once got attacked by a roach, he was left with a knee injury after he crashed into the dinner table upon fleeing the attack.

Kimberly said...

I tried to self-medicate with cadbury eggs today, but I should've come here first. Oh, how you cheer me!

carronin said...

If your Papi is anything like Ceasar Milan the Dog Whisperer. Then you are a lucky, lucky woman.

Burg said...

I love that you named your dog "Reagan." I made my daughter's Halloween costume back in '04. It was a Raggedy Ann pattern and I decieded the apron needed something extra. The dress was made in an American flag patterned cotton.. I started to sew a "W" on the apron in the leftover flag fabric.. I didn't figure anyone would get it, so I just went with a couple of hearts...