Monday, October 08, 2007

How's It Hanging, Yo?.......The Official Infidel Christmas Ornament Guide For 2007

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas............well, it is at all major retail stores anyway. I just love a world where we can find remembrances of the birth of our Lord and Savior snuggled up on the shelves alongside maggot-rotted Halloween skulls and shiny, happy Pilgrim people. [The Thanksgiving song that R.E.M never wanted you to hear]

I'm no maven of high fashion like blog friend ANNIE but I can certainly look around and determine what the new seasonal trends will be. Judging from the glittering ornaments display hanging up at the Dollar Store, this is the year of The Disco Empire Strikes Back!--Featuring blindingly bright and gaudy baubles that could have only been designed by the Queen Of Disco herself: Donna Summers.
These struck a pang of sadness in my heart. I was like, "Awwwww, that's what happens when you hang a perfectly good disco ball too close to the trash compactor." If Rubik's Cube had made their splashy debut in the 70's, this is what they would have looked like.
This silvery orb ornament reminds us to never waste precious resources. It's constructed entirely from silver fish scales, and stray go-go dancers.I'm having trouble convincing Papi to consent to filling our tree with these fuzzy balls. Maybe he has a problem with the shocking white color radiating out from the balls like they were culled from an albino. I guess I sort of agree with him- fuzzy albino balls should never be used to adorn a Christmas tree.
Not every ornament at the Infidel house will reflect the 'Boogie Wonderland' theme this year. No, I spied this beauty down at the Boy Scout Shop while buying my son's Webelo handbook. Sure, it's a frivolous thing to blow money on, but when I saw how the door swings open revealing a skunk prancing about the crapper, I knew that I must take it home to love and cherish forever and ever! This will surely be the piece de resistance on the Infidel Tree this Christmas.

Okay, so spill. What are the holiday trends you've spotted and which ones are worth investing in?

38 comments:

Carrot Jello said...

FIRST!

Carrot Jello said...

Yeah, well...I got nothing to say. Wait, you are naughty. Very naughty.

glittersmama said...

You said fuzzy balls.

Carronin's avatar better watch out around trash compactors this year!

aubrey said...

are you KIDDING? i have missed something if christmas ornaments are already out. i still haven't figured out halloween.

as for fuzzy balls..it brings back memories of that one saturday night live with alec baldwin (aren't they all with alec baldwin?) when he's hosting a radio show around christmastime and they're all talking about balls. it's actually really gross. but. ya know. you brought it up. so i had to share.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

carrot- I'm first to comment on your first comment!

carrot- naughty? How could I possibly be naughty when I'm only talking about christmas ornaments?

glittersmama- Maybe I should have said unidentified artificially fuzzy balls. I can't tell quite what the bristly stuff is sticking out.

aubrey- I swear to you that every store I've been to lately including wal-mart and target have their christmas displays ready. I didn't bring up anything gross??!!? I'm only talking about spherically shaped christmas ornmanets that has fuzziness attached. And now I'm getting compared to Alec Baldwin. This is a sad, sad day for me.

Nancy Face said...

Do those disco ball/Rubik's Cube thingy's come in earrings?

Those fuzzy albino balls just might have entire civilizations dwelling upon them, as in "Horton Hears a Who." (Boil that dust speck!)

Skunks and crappers on the tree? HILARIOUS! :D

Lisa said...

I walked into the grocery store yesterday and found a Santa that I just love. However, no price tag means no buying....plus, I needed pumpkins!!! I can hardly even think about Christmas just yet. But I like the out house skunk.

Aubrey-That SNL skit was VERY naughty, but also very funny!

nikko said...

Hmm... I agree with Papi. Fuzzy white balls on a Christmas tree would be disturbing.

You found the outhouse ornament at the Scout Shop? Wonders never cease...

Jean Knee said...

first, where did you see those maggot-rotted Halloween skulls? I saw some Donner Party meat at Wal-Mart, didn't get it' went back for it, it was gone! I can't miss out again.

kewwwl out house ornament, all it needs are a few corncobs littering the floor. We had an actual out house on our farm that had genuine ancient corncobs in it. We used to toss them around till my dad told us what they were used for

haven't looked at Christmas stuff yet

that peeing on the box of bags thing was waaaay kewwwl

Stacey said...

I'm still giggling about fuzzy albino balls.

That outhouse would make a classy addition to my silver and purple tree.

I remember the schwety balls skit. It was naughty...I laughed.

Tori :) said...

"fuzzy albino balls..." I don't know what to say. I guess they could be blue.

jams o donnell said...

Haha Where on eartch could I get an outhouse ornament. I want some NOW!

I will be doing my essential xmas gifts soon Look out for my little cthulhu and those giant microbes again!

No Cool Story said...

I read somewhere that fuzzy albino balls are all the rage this year.
Fancy Hollywood type Christmas trees will be adorned with fuzzy albino balls.
I, for one, welcome our fuzzy albino spherical ornaments.

Bee said...

There is something about the "silvery orb" ornaments that has me mesmerized.
Don’t know what it is but I think I like that as a nickname.
Yup! I like it!


click-

Suzanne said...

LOL at Tori!!!

I haven't even started looking at Christmas stuff yet! I'll let you know if I find any "treasures"! :D

Geosomin said...

I am a loser, but I'm partial to the disco ball ornament, and a few well chosen Star Wars oranaments (death stars can be nice and orby).
I'm more of a lights person myself. Last year I found LED star lights that change colors over and over.

Oh yeah.

Annie said...

Brillant. Why did'nt I come up with that?!

Mrs. Crybaby Jones said...

I'd love to keep reading, but Johnny just wiped his ice cream cone on the couch cushion, and I'll have to clean it fast before my husband gets home.

Thoroughly Mormon Millie said...

Did you find any Schwetty Balls?

carronin said...

You have a gift my friend don't hide it in a bushel basket.

I said this a couple weeks ago but it's worth repeating.

Jennifer B. said...

Great post. You know you're my favorite.

Bee said...

x 2

Lauren said...

Those ornaments are outta control! I can't believe the skunk ornament was found at the scout shop. Actually, what am I saying...of course it was at the scout shop.

No Cool Story said...

True Dat/
Late but still true.

BrentD said...

The cotton ball ornaments are for trees that just gave blood.

Science Teacher Mommy said...

Confession time. I love the disco ball. I never know what to put on top of my tree. This might be a good alternative to the cheezy winged angel or bow that looks like someone sat on it. And we could turn up the BeeGees and dance, dance, dance. There is nothing like a groovy Christmas.

Science Teacher Mommy said...

And the SNL was a take off on two NPR ladies wearing really awful chunky holiday sweaters doing a piece on local holiday treats. Alec Baldwin plays a guy whose last name is Shweaty (however you spell it) and his family has made bon bon type treats for generations. And yes, I'm sorry to say, these holiday goodies are called Shweaty Balls. One of the NPR ladies gets quite hot and bothered as Mr. Shweaty goes on and on. Okay, this kind of humor is SOOOO sick, but it is really funny as far as that kind of thing goes.

Diesel said...

So... I'm like, a guy.

Amber said...

I WANT THAT ORNAMENT! THE SKUNK ON THE CRAPPER, THAT IS. THOUGH THE DISCO BALLS COULD ADD NICE AMBIANCE FOR THE DUMP.

Thoroughly Mormon Millie said...

Get those fuzzy albino balls outta my face.

"BEWARE THE ALBINO"

wynne said...

Oh, Disco Tree,
oh, Disco Tree,
how sparkly are thy branches.

the disco ball, it turns and spins,
the albino balls,pale fuzzy twins...

oh disco tree, oh disco tree,
I vomit on thy branches!

Jennifer B. said...

Wynne, who knew you were so lyrical?

EWL, Where are you???

Bee said...

1+1= uh... ?

Amanda said...

I honestly didn't get the fuzzy ball comment until glittersmama pointed out that you said fuzzy balls. I did however get your post title, 'How's it hanging', and the only thing that came to mind were those ridiculous, embarassing, grotesque things that some people buy and attach to the backs of their pickup trucks. Hanging there in all their glory and my kids ask, "Mom, what's that?" You don't have one of those do you?

b. said...

My heart is soaring like the eagle's nest.

b. said...

ps. Thank you. My life is now peepier.

Lia said...

Fish scales, huh?

Melissa said...

Here in Southern Cali we are seeing pink flamingo ornaments. Ask your flamingo hanging neighbors if they'd like some...