Sunday, October 07, 2007

How Many Trees Must Die For Your Woody, Brian Wilson??!!?

Infidel daughter the second and I witnessed something rather unsettling while out on a quick jaunt to the grocery store.

See, our entire area has become an ongoing construction zone as they decimate centuries-old forests to make way for upscale shopping and fine dining housed in faux Italian Tuscan Village styled buildings. More concrete, less trees........YAY! You know that Joni Mitchell song, 'Big Yellow Taxi' that practically everybody and their greasy Aunt Edna has performed a cover of? I love that line where she earnestly sings 'They Took All The Trees And Put Em In A Tree Museum And Charge People A Dollar And A Half Just To See Em.' I can only bobble-head in agreement because around here they really have 'paved paradise to put up a parking lot.'

Infidel daughter the second pointed out a bunch of trees surrounded by a rectangular pen made of orange construction netting and kept asking me why they had those particular trees confined. Of course, I had several ideas--two of which made her crack up laughing:
1. It's a special playpen made specifically as a time-out punishment for rowdy trees who haven't yet hit their maturity.
2. A Piney Tree Petting Zoo where patrons can frolic amongst these gentle giants. They'd have to post a few 'Do Not Feed The Trees' signs, though, and maybe a 'Beware Of Trees:They Splinter' warning.
3. The state punished and imprisoned them for their massive littering crime wave. Dropping dirty needles everywhere definitely constitutes a criminal offense.
4. These were specially selected and cordoned off to keep the Infidel house in toilet paper until the year 2012. The Mayan calendar comes to an abrupt halt that year. It's reassuring to know that when the end of the world comes, our Infidel bums will be clean.

Within us all lies a little hippie side with an environmental conscience. My inner Infidel hippie enjoys patchouli oil and hairy armpits--what about yours??!!!?

36 comments:

b. said...

How do you know Brian Wilson's sporting a woody?

b. said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Tori :) said...

Brian Wilson has a woody?? Really? Hmmm... muy interestante or however you spell it.
I like the 2012 toilet paper theory.

Carrot Jello said...

I'm thinking it's to keep all the Texas tree huggers out. I know how environmentally conscious y'all are.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Brian Wilson never goes anywhere without his Woody, b. Between that and his wooden surfboards, he's probably the number one reason for global warming.

tori- We're all going to die in a little over 4 years. Isn't it comforting to know that we don't have to go out stinking like an overflowing men's room toilet?

carrot- I'm a big fan of trees! They're number one fan! Maybe they did rope them off so they could have people wait in an orderly line to get to chat it up and hug the trees?

Jean Knee said...

I saw this episode on Angelina Ballerina where one of the snotty twins fell out of a huge gorgeous oak tree and faked an injury.
They cut that tree down and made playground equipment out of it. So what will they do when a child falls off the playgroung equipment?

It never ends people, even if we get it down to a supply of toothpicks some idiot will poke their eye out with it

Jean Knee said...

Today's comment: Go skeletons!

jams o donnell said...

Huhuh huhuh you said woody! (In a Butthead voice) The abysmal British "boy band" from the 70s the Bay City Rollers had a Woody too but he was as talentless as the rest of them....

One of the best developments where I live is the Thames Chase project, which will plant millions of trees over a 30 year timescale in order to recreate some of the woodland that disappeared from around the eastern fringe of London. A lot have already been planted. It is a shame that I wont be around to see the mature trees.

Play your cards right and the infidel descendants will be in TP for millennia!

Brian o Vretanos said...

5. Sometimes they have cordons like that if there are any "protected species" of flowers or whatever living around a tree.

You have to give something up in the name of progress - do you really want to go back into the caves?

Global Warming: If only we could just pump out the greenhouse gasses in the winter, when we need the heat ;-)

If it's option 4 - will the tree be pulped to make the paper, or will you use the leaves?

Special K ~Toni said...

You really shouldn't talk about my greasy Aunt Edna.

aubrey said...

i have nothing funny to say, (do i ever?) but wanted to stop by and give you love! have a lovely day!

Nancy Face said...

I'm with Infidel daughter the second...your ideas cracked me up!

I love trees...they're a lot prettier than even the fanciest shopping centers! On the other hand, toilet paper and clean bums are pretty good, too! :D

Bee said...

The hippie in me will go one day of the week without taking a shower.
On that day no-one is allowed near me for I am meditating/contemplating my place in the cosmos.
Well actually I think they don't come near me cuz I stink!
GO LEG HAIR!!! [well in the winter anyway]

Recycle people!

P.S.
I don't know why I always find it amusing that the security letters typing thing knows who I am, todays was WRKAWHR... work a whore?

click

Amber said...

Hear, hear on #3! I think they should also charge horses. What's with all the fuss with cleaning up after our dogs when horses' poop is like doggie doo doo on steriods.

Wow, I had no idea the angst that had built up over this issue. Suddenly, I feel liberated.

Elizabeth-W said...

Bee said to recycle people.
I'm creeped out by that.
So the Mayan calendar truly does end in 2012? I don't think I knew that. What does that mean? Did they know stuff that got left out of the BofM? I am highly intrigued, and also a seeker of signs.

carronin said...

The faux Italian Tuscan Village sounds lovely. I'm going to have to come and check that out when it's done.

Jennifer B. said...

My inner-hippie likes to conserve energy by leaving the house a mess.

aubrey said...

oh elastica, i have something funny to email you. but i can't find your email addie...

Johnna said...

Which two made your daughter laugh the most? #1 and #4?

I love the idea that the word ends because the Mayan Calendar runs out of digit space on December 21, 2012. It's like the computer Y2K problem all over again, though at least the Maya planned a calendar that would work for 5,126 years instead of 50.

My inner hippie was put to the test and found wanting when I got to visit one of my favorite friends from high school this weekend, someone I haven't seen since my wedding. Since she's a hotshot vegan environmental/human rights activist, there's nothing like putting gas in your car so you can drive to see her, or putting on your fancy Gap Outlet dress that you hope wasn't sewn by slave labor...yeah, I would say I flunked myself before I got on the freeway.

Lisa said...

If you are lucky, once the trees are all hacked away, you will get a lovely new cell phone tower tree. That is what happens around here. They are so lovely with their bright red light on top. That adds to their natural beauty, of course.

I love all of your reasons!

Thoroughly Mormon Millie said...

My greasy Aunt Edna did a bang-up job with her cover of this song, thank you SO much. And how dare you point out her overactive oil gland condition. She can't help it if she leaves an oil slick in the bathtub.

It takes a special kind of rhyming genius to put together "museum" and "to see 'em." The cordoned-off tree spot is where Joni Mitchell did most of her writing and/or scratching.

My inner Infidel enjoys that reefery smell I sometimes catch a whiff of, when passing dreadlock & tie-dye wearers at the bus station.

Josi said...

I think those trees were actually the best behaved of the forest and therefore granted a pardon. So sad.

As for my hippiness--I recycle religiously and raise my own chickens, compost and garden, but then I drive almost 100 miles a day, drink out of Styrofoam on a semi-regular basis and have no idea how I'm SUPPOSED to throw away batteries.

Physcokity said...

I separate my recycle-ables b/c otherwise the trash fills up too fast. I also leave all unnecessary lights and fans off therefore I subscribe to the conservation of energy for the hippie in me as well as the cheapskate ;)

Maybe all hippies were cheapskates in disguise, they were all about the "free" stuff; free your mind, free range animals, and who could forget free lovin'

Oh yes I vote you use the leaves then your supply would be ceaseless.

Qtpies7 said...

I am SO not an environmentalist, however, I do use cloth diapers because I'm a cheap tight wad. (can you call $17 for one diaper cheap?)
I'd take the cement shopping over the trees, sorry. Trees hide spiders and ticks. No brainer.

Jean Knee said...

elastic, did you see that on Oct 15 blogger is having an environmental post thing, should we join in and if so what will our hot topics be?

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Yeah, I'm super cheap about a lot of things too. Except paying for high speed Internet. Soooooo worth the money. Here's a few other things I do for my part to help the planet:
1.I wear the same bra two days in a row before washing it. Well, that might actually be because I only own 2 decent bras to begin with that don't make me look like Flopsy and Mopsy stuffed into underwire.
2. I don't ever use aerosol hairspray....unless I'm demonstrating my Infidel makeshift flame thrower techniques.
3. I let the grass grow really high in the backyard because cutting it with the lawnmower spews emissions into the air. Al Gore would weep with pride if he knew the sacrifices I make for his pet cause.


jean knee, I'd like to thoroughly explore and discuss the concept of 'If Its Yellow Let It Mellow-If It's Brown Flush It Down' approach to water conservationism. I could practically write a master thesis on this topic. You may call me Professor Poo-Pee.

Annie said...

I don't see my name. I'm outta here.

compulsive writer said...

I really hate it when blogger eats my comments.

b. said...

ps. speaking of not seeing names....I gotta b. in your peep show.
I'm just sayin', I've been waiting a long time for you to notice me. See me?

b. said...

...ain't too proud to beg.

carronin said...

Speaking of Professor Poo-Pee what happened to Craphappy Mama?

carronin said...

Hey b. there you are. Why don't you come over and comment on my blog I have you on my blog roll. I'm just sayin'.

Bee said...

clickety times twins!

b. said...

carronin, I'm on it.

Thoroughly Mormon Millie said...

If it's red, let it be dead.
If it's blue, sneeze "achoo."
If it's green, it used to be beans.
If it's black, yell "ATTACK!"
If it's chartreuse, feed it jar juice.
If it's purple... you're hating it.
If it's orange... same thing.

Science Teacher Mommy said...

You know, when Plantboy was groundskeeper at the temple, people used to tell me all the time how sad they were to see the forest cut down there to build another building. They were impressed with the beauty of it, but that land had been held by a local family for generations. I wonder if the Kroger people recieved such harrassment. Thanks for your Nancy Pelosi comments on the blog. I caught them late.