Sunday, December 30, 2007

'Mannequin' Should Top Banned Movie Lists Everywhere

I haven't posted in a few days but I do have a rousing, bosom-swelling excuse. No, I don't have mastitis again- It's something even more bosom-swelling than that.

When we arrived at our local Kroger's grocery store just a few scant minutes after they opened their doors for business that day, a most shocking sight greeted my daughter, Monkey and I.

This poor, pitiful generic-brand doll lay on her back atop the filthy express lane conveyor belt; legs splayed open spread-eagle style revealing her dolly dainties for all the world to see. Yes, she's dressed in standard hoochie wear but that doesn't mean she deserved to be defiled in this manner. Just because she's a cheap knockoff doesn't mean she's "easy" and just because she was loitering close to the express lane doesn't make her "fast" either.
Now, I hate to cast dispersions of what may or may not have been going on in the moments prior to opening time, but I can tell you that the slacker sacker tribe of teenage boys were averting my eyes more than usual and the middle-aged manager was seen strolling around the debauched scene whistling a tune.

I watch crime mysteries. Whistling is always the tell-tale mark of a criminal with a guilty conscience.
Lucky for Kroger's that Monkey and I acted as Doll Advocates and swooped in to not only restore the dignity of this doll but also preserve Kroger's family-friendly grocery reputation. Even though I righted her to a standing position while smoothing her tousled hair and straightening out her mini-skirt, I wondered what would become of her after we left the store. After all she is wearing a flimsy white T-shirt and we did leave her right next to the bottled water case.........

23 comments:

omar said...

FIRST on a Smiling Infidel post?!?! (faints)

I bet there was a wet t-shirt contest right after you guys left the store.

SherryTex said...

Empowered by your display of raw courage in the face of relentless male chauvanism towards helpless dolls, Britney the doll began reading the self help psychology books in aisel 12 and now knows how to take on those unrulely boysShe stuffs challah bread in her sleeves and looks buff.

Jean Knee said...

I always knew Krogers was a cesspool of deviants and nose pickers. That's why I only shop at Piggly Wiggly, no it's not a porno shop, thanks for asking.

Loved the urinal vase, luuuuuved it. From a crafters point of view those were really nicely painted flowers. From a deviant's point of view, rock on my little infidel.

Bee said...

Oh... that brings back memories of my wild days at Brown's Chicken! White T-Shirts, bunch of teenagers and the spray nozzle on the sink. Allegedly!
... ...

Boy am I glad you were there to save her!! Where were you when little girl Spears needed you? Where? And after her momma wrote a "How to be the bestest momma ever" book!

Bee said...

It's amazing how you have the ability to distract me. I came to call you out for what you wrote on my blog regarding listening to... Hu... Hue... [okay bee, just spit it out!] Huey... I can't do it!! Please say it ain't so. Think of the children.

Bee said...

The children.

(I hope nobody clicks on humor blogs located on your sidebar cuz then they'll know what we're talking about.)

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Omar- Yeah and she was equipped with the finest plastic doll boobie molds in all of China. How can anyone compete with that??!?

sherrytex- Actually, I think she gets scarred from the trauma of strangers seeing her panties. She hits the candy aisle and bloats up so big they have to use a crane to take her out of the store. Film at 11. :)

jean knee- Crafty as I wanna be!!!! If you ever want to go hippie, I can paint that love and peace and flower crap all over your face.

Bee- Tis true. I can tolerate a thousand injection of Huey but I might go into a sugar comatose state if I have to hear Bubbly even one more time.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Yeah Bee, whore. me. up. some. more.

I like it.

Anonymous said...

Yo elastic...

From one Houston-based stretchy waitstband wearing broad to another, I REALLY enjoyed your blog. This was my first visit and I must say, I dig the way you write.

I laughed....out loud even!!

I'll be back, too!

Happy New Year!
Laurie Kendrick

Annie said...

I have that t-shirt.

Elizabeth-W said...

I have that haircut.

jams o donnell said...

Yikes what utter tat! But why hve a go at Mannequin??? Kim Cattrall put in an oscar winning performance and Starship provided a lovingly crafted rock anthem.....

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Jams- And we can build this dream together standing strong forver...
I can't decide which I hate more that one or We Built This City? On a sidenote I Love Love Love Marty Balin's solo effort, 'Hearts Can Break.' Yes, I really do.

Carrot Jello said...

Don't let her fool you. She's a flim flam floozy. I can spot 'em a mile away.

~Angela~ said...

One of the funniest blog posts I've read in a long time. Thanks for that.

Bee said...

So, guess what I did? I signed up for 365 of posting (yes I know 2008 has 366 days). DO you think I'm nutso?

BarnGoddess said...

I always knew Kroger managers who whistle are up to no good.


Bless you for saving the floozy doll!

Bee said...

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU AND YOURS!! MAY THIS YEAR BRING EVERYTHING YOU WISH FOR.



And more! ;o)

mklasing said...

Hey give the sackers a break--that doll IS hot after all. All I know is that you won't find that kind of filth and trailer park trash at Randall's. ;)

Nancy Face said...

That poor little dear...I'm so glad you came along to save her (cough) dignity!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Lauren said...

She has cankles...it's awesome.

Funniest post yet!!!

Millie said...

Hey - I love watching Mannequin when I can find it on TV. Mind you, I wouldn't step to renting it (let alone buying it) but I know good cheese when I smell it.

on.the.run said...

Awesome