Monday, December 24, 2007

The Smiling Infidel Shows Off Her Refurbishing Skills On Today's Edition Of 'Pimp My Gingerbread House.'

BEFORE:
This sadly deteriorating house once stood proud until it was targeted for vandalism by the infamous Hansel and Gretel Gang-- the Bonnie and Clyde of the Gingerbread House world. The dastardly duo even devoured the windows and septic tank in a frenzied state of madness that only a sugar-fueled rush can bring on.
AFTER:
My Infidel Pimpin Crew really had their work cut out for them on this one. We started with the roof and brought in Necco Wafers to use as tiles. We knew that the wafers taste like colored chalk licked right off a chalkboard eraser and would likely keep the roof safe from plundering hands.

Next we focused in on making general structural and foundation repairs. Due to the current supply shortage in the gingerbread construction business we cleverly hired gingerbread men as contractors and then sacrificed them for the benefit of building a harder, better, faster, stronger home. A lot of good gingerbread men had to die to complete this project. I sure hope the homeowner appreciates it. I tested out the sturdiness of the secret formula frosting we used as caulk myself and found that it completely sealed the lips of my naggy co-host's mouth shut. That should render the wall joints and seals deliciously lick-able but impenetrable at the same time.

We wanted to show that you could use recyclable objects to make your home earth-friendly as well as beautiful. That festive mint decoration above the door brings a lot of oomph to the overall feel of the home, don't you think? It was found on the floor of a local restaurant after a customer started choking on it. A waiter performed the Heimlich Maneuver on him thus sending the mint sailing across the room. The flavorless gumball and mint leaf landscaping came straight from the stale leftovers in your grandma's candy dish circa 1985.
We do hope you enjoyed this Christmas Eve edition of 'Pimp My Gingerbread House!' This is your stuffed-full-of-sweetness remodeler, The Smiling Infidel signing off until next time. Wishing you all spicy gumdrop wishes and wet milk dreams......

16 comments:

Bee said...

You forgot the most important part!
Sprinkled crushed red pepper flakes symbolizing Noche Buenas! Although, if you would have sprinkled that on your gingerbread house, chalk tasting wafers would not have stopped me!

JustRandi said...

Oooo! We coulda used your crew at our gingerbread extravaganza this year! Ours didn't go too well! Maybe you could Pimp ours next?

Nancy Face said...

Mmmm...a sweet septic tank!

You just made my Christmas Eve complete! :D

Nancy Face said...

The other day Lauren made a little choking sound. I asked, "Are you choking?" She laughed and said she wasn't. I was so disappointed, because I've always dreamed of performing the Heimlich Maneuver.

Nancy Face said...

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Lauren said...

Yah, it's true. My mom was hoping I had a near death experience so she could be my hero...I don't know how I feel about that.

mmmm...circa 1985...

Palm Springs Savant said...

WOW Holy Moley! that looks like an episode of Extreme Makeover.

Jean Knee said...

If I make it down to H-town will you and yours do the makeover thing on me?? You'll need extra fosting to fill in the wrinles.

Nancy and Lauren--be glad it wasn't a real choking thing. One of my students (5 year old) was choking on something. I heimliched her, nothing, again, nothing ,again, nothing, again,... on and on the whole time I was estimating how long it would take me to get to the hospital or if I should do the tracheotomy thing. I stuck my hand down her throat to try and grab it..on and on. I grabbed her up to get in the car and one of the teacher'd aides said here let me try. One Heimlich thrust and out it came. I had to lie down in the teacher's lounge for the rest of lunch time.

Don't worry I took the course at the red cross on choking Charlie so i think I can prolly do it now.

Jean Knee said...

I wonder if those necco wafers would work on my cracked foundation, on the house, silly

Diesel said...

Ok, I have to admit that Sowing the Seeds of Love is one of the best songs ever. Maybe even better than "The Power of Love."

Merry Christmas, ewbl!

Maddy said...

Well done you. We cheated and used a kit but the icing was too runny so we had to employ a great deal of patience.

Compliments of the season from me and mine to you and yours.
Cheers

This is my calling card or link"Whittereronautism"which takes you straight to my new blog.

No Cool Story said...

Ah, a job very well done.

Feliz Navidad Infidels!!!
*<:o)

omar said...

Do you guys do cars? I mean, I know the "Pimp my ride" thing has been done before, but not with frosting and gumdrops. Think about it.

Merry Christmas!

aubrey said...

lol. i love your pimped out gingerbread house! can you guys come over and do some work on our gingerbread house? (we're a little late getting to it..)

Melissa said...

You are one talented gal! The house looks awesome... but, I wouldn't expect any less ;)

wynne said...

Wow. I didn't know there was a way to bring a gingerbread house back from the brink of half-eaten.

So, now that Christmas is over, what will you be doing to preserve the house until next year? Shellac? Cement? Polyethyrene coating?

Or just let a dog lick it all over (not enough to damage anything, just enough to ensure no one will ever touch it again)?