This sadly deteriorating house once stood proud until it was targeted for vandalism by the infamous Hansel and Gretel Gang-- the Bonnie and Clyde of the Gingerbread House world. The dastardly duo even devoured the windows and septic tank in a frenzied state of madness that only a sugar-fueled rush can bring on.
My Infidel Pimpin Crew really had their work cut out for them on this one. We started with the roof and brought in Necco Wafers to use as tiles. We knew that the wafers taste like colored chalk licked right off a chalkboard eraser and would likely keep the roof safe from plundering hands.
Next we focused in on making general structural and foundation repairs. Due to the current supply shortage in the gingerbread construction business we cleverly hired gingerbread men as contractors and then sacrificed them for the benefit of building a harder, better, faster, stronger home. A lot of good gingerbread men had to die to complete this project. I sure hope the homeowner appreciates it. I tested out the sturdiness of the secret formula frosting we used as caulk myself and found that it completely sealed the lips of my naggy co-host's mouth shut. That should render the wall joints and seals deliciously lick-able but impenetrable at the same time.
We wanted to show that you could use recyclable objects to make your home earth-friendly as well as beautiful. That festive mint decoration above the door brings a lot of oomph to the overall feel of the home, don't you think? It was found on the floor of a local restaurant after a customer started choking on it. A waiter performed the Heimlich Maneuver on him thus sending the mint sailing across the room. The flavorless gumball and mint leaf landscaping came straight from the stale leftovers in your grandma's candy dish circa 1985.
We do hope you enjoyed this Christmas Eve edition of 'Pimp My Gingerbread House!' This is your stuffed-full-of-sweetness remodeler, The Smiling Infidel signing off until next time. Wishing you all spicy gumdrop wishes and wet milk dreams......