Saturday, January 05, 2008

Gardening Techniques For Beauty School Dropouts

Every single day of my young life I spend my pre-dawn hours driving around a very chic neighborhood steeped in stately opulence. Some of these people have so many driveways circling their home I don't even know which one to throw the newspaper at when they request "Driveway Service." I always take mental note of emerging fads along with who got their Mercedes hitched up and towed away in the dark of night by the repo man. So anyway, know what the hottest trend in Houston home and garden decor is right now- well aside from hiring illegal landscapers and pretending you didn't know they were illegal when you run for re-election.........
Garden Club Snobs have officially endorsed the Chia Pet mailbox treatment as the 'must have accessory' this season. Chia Pet mailbox owners lovingly sculpt and manicure the continuously sprouting mass into a brilliantly green and unmistakable FRO style that accentuates their arched brick boxes. Personally I'd be worried about small critters taking up residence in the bush around my box. Maybe that's just me, though.

The house pictured above is situated on a small cul-de-sac featuring handsome homes all newly outfitted with a grouping of their very own FRO-styled mailboxes. It looks suspiciously like they're paying homage to the Jackson Five.

I constantly have to fight the urge to bring my own hedge clippers with me to start modifying the mailbox shrubbery. I'd love to slice one up and give it a Mr. T mohawk. Or trim a few sprigs up front and leave the back alone for a good old-fashioned bushy mullet. Maybe even butcher the whole dang thing in an effort to re-create Britney Spears mid-2007 clean-shaven look.

It's times like these that I have to ask myself WWESD? What Would Edward Scissorhands Do?

*humor-blogs.com would love the opportunity to come and tame your unruly bush*

41 comments:

Bee said...

AAAARGH! First!!

Bee said...

I dare you to go make some corn rolls on that there box. OR maybe some dread locks beside a hot pink Mohawk?? Nice.

Bee said...

I find it amazing that you can post a video of yourself juggling garden equipment! Does humor-blogs (located on your sidebar in case you didn't know) have liability insurance?

Bee said...

Again, this video can be seen on humor-blogs located on the sidebar.

glittersmama said...

I love the repoed Mercedes part. hahaha!

Those chias look ridiculous. It seems that your amount of ridiculous increases with the amount in your bank account. What idiotic thing can I spend my money on next??

Elizabeth-W said...

I'm just bummed you made a bush crack before I could.
But then again, you live in Bush country so I'm sure you've heard all sorts of double entendres, or maybe triple? ;)

Jean Knee said...

dang it, critters taking up residence in the bush around my box?
are you talking bout pamela anderson? skank

I want a chia mailbox too.

wasn't Omar one of the Jackson 5??

Jean Knee said...

guess what? at the entrance to our subdivision are bushes growing wild just begging for a nice trim. How bout we trim em up on your next day off? You bring the decaf iced tea and I'll grab my electric hedge trimmers and see you there.

Bee said...

BE STILL MY HEART! I am no at #270 OH the shame shame shame!

Jean Knee said...

that is all a buncha hooey, how can it vary that much, LIARS!!

Millie said...

Ch-ch-ch-chia!!!

I personally liked Thelma's and Penny's (on "Good Times") hairdo, the bun on top of the head with the little bow around it. Are these mailbox hedge trimmers sexist??? Why aren't the sistahs represented?

Not gettin' hassled, not gettin' hustled, keepin' your head above watahhhh... makin' a wave when you can...

Millie said...

P.S. I dare you to fashion a huge pick-comb out of cardboard, paint it pink, and stick it in one of these oversized 'fros. And then take a picture and post it on your blog.

Laurie Kendrick said...

Lest you forget the delightful expanse of protein that donned the noggin of a one Clarence Williams, the Third who gave up a lucrative acting career as TV's "Link", from "The Mod Squad", only become the second African American to sit upon THEE Supreme Court.

Funny post.

LK

jams o donnell said...

Oh the scope for topiary! I wonder whether there would be time to cut a valley at the top....

Jean Knee said...

I double dog dare you

Nancy Face said...

Do I dare admit that I love the Chia Pet Mailbox? Reminds me of Disneyland.

WWESD...hahaha! :D

Kelly Malloy said...

That is hilarious!

aubrey said...

aww. wasn't michael jackson cute at one point? and recognizable.

Amber said...

My mother has always nicknamed my hair "The Bush." After reading this post, should I be worried?...

SherryTex said...

Maybe they're paying homage to President George?

shay said...

Are you freakin' kidding me?!

That is peer pressure gone bad lol. Too funny.

Sketchy said...

Mailbox fro. That's a little scary.

Geosomin said...

I'm with Millie.
Make with the giant comb...:)

Around my neighborhood it's currently the "who has the most gawd-awful yard coating inflatable holiday ornaments" contest. I'd take a mailbox with a 'fro anyday over giant Home Depot cars and skidoos driven by insane snowmen and reindeer.
And dont' even get me started about the loony lady on the corner with her choir of stuffed angel bears singing on risors on her front step...

JustRandi said...

I can see one mailbox, but a whole neighborhood enters the realm of creepy!
WWESHD? Hahahaha!

lynndeepoo said...

I like the idea of clipping a "Mr T" on one...then you could put a motion activated recording of, "Just put the mail in the box, Fool!" on the front.

Melissa said...

I think you should give them a good trim!! In fact, I think you should give them a military kind of cut...

nikko said...

LOL. My mailbox is bald. ;o)

No Cool Story said...

HAHAHAHAHA!
Oh Elastic...
Gracias.

If you do what Millie says, the huge pink pick-comb cardboard, I'll make you a button, put you top of my list and link you to humor-blogs. Yes I will.

Elastic Has Tumbleweed Hair said...

NCS- You're on!

I'm kind of disenchanted with humor-blogs. I got a baaaaaadd review, NCS. :( Not everybody recognizes the comedy genius it takes to ridicule mailboxes.

SHG never has a bad hair day said...

Skew them Elastic!! That's what I say.

We are on then. YAY!!

Millie has feathers instead of hair said...

*clapping my hands*

I can't wait for this. I want one of those button things too, NCS. :)

Elastic Braids Armpit Hair said...

If my pick doesn't turn out I could make a giant red bow to stick on top ala Nancy from Nancy and Sluggo.

The possibilities for this bush are many.

Lisa said...

I couldn't agree more. I am not a lover of the chia mailbox. Why would I want to venture to get my mail while bees buzz around threatening my every move? No thanks!

Bad review? What?! Look at that Jackson photo there! That's funny!

Leonardo DiCapitated said...

I don't have to worry about my hair anymore, which is a small consolation.

on.the.run said...

Do it and take a picture.

Lauren said...

I wish my hair looked like that mailbox :(

Diesel said...

That mailbox is Rick James, bitch!

Give It To Me Baby! said...

Have some respect. Rick James is the original Super Freak and should be revered as such.

Mrs. Crybaby Jones said...

Hey, how come the guy in front on the left has such great eyebrows and the rest of his brothers look like they been pluckin'? Is he the mailman's kid?

Mrs. Crybaby Jones said...

P.S. Let's see the comb picture already

elasticwaistbandlady said...

crybaby-Sunbum and I discussed the smokin hot eyebrow thing just this very morning!

Unknown Jackson 5 Brother:The patron saint of beautiful natural eyebrows everywhere.