Monday, January 21, 2008

A Smiling Infidel Restaurant Review: Biting Into Stuff That Bites So You Don't Have To!

When you dine at an eatery bearing a name such as Border's Mexican Grill And Cantina your taste buds automatically salivate with the expectation of immediate rejuvenation via zesty salsas and vibrant chili-stuffed foods. Your bowels may anticipate a little of the danger and excitement that comes from taking a gastrointestinal gamble at a borderline Mexican restaurant as your mind reasons that this is America and we have rules about health codes and stuff. No, my friends, you should always obey the promptings of your bowels first. My daughter, Sunbum and I learned our lesson when we visited Border's eateria (rhymes with diarrhea) a few weeks ago.Troubadour Christopher Cross offered wise counsel as he fervently sang out, "Oh they got such a long way to go.....to make it to the border of Mexico." We should have followed his advice and "rode like the wind" out of there. Yeah, what we ate could have qualified as a border specialty, alright-- If we're talking about the border between white-bread Minnesota and Canada, that is.

The burritos we ordered arrived on a lukewarm platter and they were the size of pillows. Unfortunately, they reminded me of pillows found at a cheapie roadside inn-the kind where you toss and turn all night in fitful sleep as memories of that last 20/20 program special revealing the germs, bacteria, and bodily fluids splashed over hotel walls play in your mind. And then somewhere in the middle of the night you suddenly feel itchy all over your face and you shake the limp, nasty pillow and curse at it as you wonder what the freak its stuffed with. Yeah, our burritos were exactly like that. They also lacked any discernible flavor. Just to make the burritos somewhat edible we continuously dumped more and more salsa on them. It did occur to me that this place is called Border's because their food is akin to eating paperback novels over at Border's bookstore. At least books satisfy a hunger for knowledge.

Sunbum and I sipped daintily on our first round of water but when we asked for a refill I swear the non-English speaking busboy must have thought we really wanted him to take our water glasses and fill them up with the nearest water source available whether that be the rancid dishwater in the sink with borracho beans still floating lifeless on the surface or maybe to just top it off from the septic tank line. Whatever option he chose, the water smelled bad and tasted worse.

If you need more testimonial regarding the crappiness of Border's Cantina, look no further than the distinguished groups known as Doctors Without Borders and Engineers Without Borders. They obviously dined here too and named their organizations accordingly. I'm officially founding a Bloggers Without Borders movement starting right now!

*humor-blogs.com always follows the admonitions set forth by Christopher Cross......that's why they still think of Laura and laugh, not cry because she'd want it that way.*

23 comments:

SherryTex said...

So you went sailing, it took you away from where you always wanted to be.....now you've got Christopher Cross stuck in my head.

You might have found a cure for Huey.

Sorry about the bad experience. Never get burritos. Nachos, si. Fietas, si. If you know the place well, try for the perfecta, the cheese enchillada.

Burritos are like casseroles with salsa dumped over them, used to hide leftovers for restaurants.

jams o donnell said...

Lucky it wasn't Bloggers Without Bowels , EWBL! It really sounded like the food was utterly foul.

Ach we have similarly appalling establishments here.. Mexican places are thin on the ground though... as are mexicans for that matter!

Tori :) said...

EEEW. That is all.

glittersmama said...

Rancid dish water with floating bean mush. yuck.

mklasing said...

Thanks for the warning--love the Christopher Cross reference--only us kids of the 80's got it--but it is still awesome!

Bee said...

For a second there I thought you were talking about my favorite TexMex place "On the Border" but no, this seems to be different.
These borracho beans, did they wrap them up for you so you could take them home once you didn't eat them? Waste not want not someone always says!

Bee said...

What does "thin on the ground" mean? Very confusded...

Millie said...

When you get caught between a burrito and a toooooiiilet...

I know it's crazy. But unfortunately it's true.

(You were really mad at me after I landed on you in the lake last night. I apologized profusely but I have to say, you were pretty bratty about it.)

aubrey said...

wow, this totally reminds me of the mexican restaurant that my grandparents LOVE and love to take me there whenever i'm in town. called hacienda colorado restaurant and cantina. it's disgusting and they love to think that they're being all diversified in their eating out when they take me there.

more reviews from infidel and sunbum!

Lauren said...

You are teh bomb dot com! And so is sunbum. Does sunbum have a tan bum? You know...with all of that sun exposure?

The water description sicked me out, but the burrito still sounded good. Weird.

Nancy Face said...

Best restaurant review I have ever had the pleasure of reading.

Nancy Face said...

I always listen to my bowels. They know best.

Nancy Face said...

I want me some GOOD Mexican food...and clean water!!! :0

Jean Knee said...

OH, you poor thing. That place looked nice enough on the outside (people have said that of me ).

I ate Mexican food in Wisconsin one time. It was a tortilla with Campbell's cream of chicken soup poured on it.

the Bag Lady said...

Hey! Canadians eat hot food. We have to, ya know, 'cause it's so f*cking cold up here, eh!
Mind you, it's hard to know what authentic Mexican food tastes like when that place with the big bell is your only experience....
The Bag Lady's sister used to own a taco stand in the mall and the Bag Lady worked there as a cook. Does that qualify her as an expert on anything? No, she didn't think so.

Julie said...

Always listen to those messages from the interior...

Ewwww! There's nothing worse than bad Mexican food. It's just as bad going in as it is coming out.

Lia said...

Sorry the food was so lousy.

I almost did an Engineers Without Borders trip in college, but I'm glad now I didn't because I LIKE Borders. Borders Books, that is. I'm sure I wouldn't like those burritos. *shudder*

No Cool Story said...

So I take it this place is no good.

No Cool Story said...

Feeling better now that we're through
Feeling better 'cause I'm over you
I learned my lesson, it left a scar
Now I see how you really are

You're no good
You're no good
You're no good
Baby you're no good

Lisa said...

So sorry. That is the worst!!!! (but funny)

Emily said...

There are few things sadder than disappointing Mexican food.

wynne said...

Um, eeeeewwwwww.

"I can see your dirty pillows!"

(Line from Carrie that has never failed yet to make me laugh.)

Melissa said...

Bloggers without Borders... I could support an orginazation like that....