Thursday, January 10, 2008

Where Do Old Chefs Go To Die?

Do they go to 'An Old Chefs' retirement home where they compete in cooking contests using only bran and prunes as ingredients? Maybe they get sent out to pasture where they can run and frolic freely alongside packs of wild chefs? The answer is:none of the above.
No, apparently they all get shipped out to the special Santa Paula spice factory crematorium where their culinary essence is transformed into a rusty orange powder and packaged right up for retail sale at fine generic stores everywhere.
Always one to set himself apart from the crowd, Super Chef Emeril Lagasse has bottled his own name-brand essence to reduce the chances of having to co-mingle his superior essence with the essence of a more common chef who probably only ever wore a foufy little white hat while serving up runny omelets stuffed with imitation bacon bits to bloated tourists down at the La Quinta Inn breakfast buffet.


Now, I know all you gourmands are saying, "But hey, that Emeril guy is still alive!" Exactly right. Much like the mystifying question, 'Who's buried in Grant's Tomb?' we have to wonder who's really inside Emeril's Essence.

He's obviously perpetrating a fraud when he claims you can have a little Emeril in every bite. BAM!

*I sprinkled some Essence of humor-blogs.com on my meal but it made it taste funny.*

27 comments:

elasticwaistbandlady said...

I know, I know. I'm on a supposed hiatus but I couldn't stand the thought of having my Huey defeat post as the first item on here while I'm away.

glittersmama said...

Where can I find some essence of elastic?

Jean Knee said...

Elastic, you are just so darn adorable.





psst: glitter, you can always find some essence of elastic at Dumass taco

Jennifer B. said...

HA! I love it.

That was my kind of hiatus. You're quite efficient.

Lisa said...

Just wonderin' what your up to? What's happening with the hubby's job?

I don't want anyone's essence!

Bee said...

I have it on good authority that he scrapes his dead skin cells and bottles them. mmmmmmm Pure Essence!!

No Cool Story said...

I know it was the thought of making SHG cry that made you come back Elastic. It's ok, it'll be our little secret.
Just like Emeril has his little secret.

Nancy Face said...

I immediately thought of Soylent Green: "SOYLENT GREEN IS MADE OUT OF PEOPLE!"

Nancy Face said...

Maybe it's only the geezers like me that know about such things.

Nancy Face said...

I'm cool because I live near Grant's Tomb. Who IS buried there, by the way?

Bee said...

NCS, I think it was my wonderbar singing that did it but we can share the joy.

Melissa said...

You take breaks like I do ;)
Hmmm... chef essence... do you serve that on poop pizza?

aubrey said...

ew. i don't want any essence of emeril on my food? blech.

the Bag Lady said...

That was a hiatus? Oh, I see, it starts now...you'd rather leave Essence of Emeril as the first post seen by anyone stumbling in here...wow, you really must not like Huey!! But what have you got against the Bam man?

the Bag Lady said...

Oops, that didn't come out right.
I understand you not wanting the post to be about your defeat, but... Emeril? Bam. (The Bag Lady really lost points here, didn't she? Damn, should have just deleted the freakin' comment...)

SherryTex said...

Glad I checked in...

Wonder what the Frugal Gourmet is up to these days?

Guess Emiril is on a Smiling Infidel type hiatus...

on.the.run said...

That was the awesomest hiatus ever... I am totally taking one.

Essence of anyone is GROSS! I can just imagine how it is made.

the frogster said...

EWBL- Are you going away? I was bummed when I saw your "I'm going away" post. Don't go away. Who would think of me when they were fruitcake shopping?

I'm thinking of adding Eau De Frogster to my cologne line.

MMMMM.... frog.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

I never planned on staying away forever. Hiatus just meant that I needed to re-prioritize some things in my life. I feel tremendous guilt if I don't make the rounds to reciprocate the comments from all you super nice people. But in doing so I take time away from my family which makes me feel equally guilty. Well, of course I have to choose my kids first.

I'm going to post a couple things for Valentine's Day and then call it quits for a short while. I'll definitely be by to vosot everyone though. especially you guys who have made me feel like my dorkiness is really going to be missed. :)

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Oh, and I'm descended from a long German line of Cook's. I'm secretly relieved that there isn't a product called "Cook's Essence."

Cook's Essence...... Is made from MY people!!

Nancy, I didn't Soylent Green when I spotted the Chef's Essence at the Dollar Store, I immediately thought of the old Prego spaghetti sauce ads. Remember? They'd go "Fresh veggies? It's IN there!" I was like, "Chef Boyardee? He's IN there!"

Geosomin said...

Heh...for some reason all I could think about when I saw the Emeril Essence spice was the line from the Dark Crystal
"Sire! You could drink her essence!"
It's good to know Emeril has finally been sacrificed in the interests of good taste and his essence can be purchased from witch doctors for the ultimate "BAM" addition to your latest potion or hex spell.
Available at a good apothecary near you...

elizabeth-w said...

I think it is a perfect note to end on, much better than the Huey-ness. This is a pure, unadulterated Essence of Elastic kind of post.

Bee said...

I'm gonna keep clicking because it is my goal to keep your blog in the top 30 even if there are no new posts.
Rock on.
And by that I mean ROCK not POP.

Lauren said...

I'm cooler than Nancy Face because I have seen Grant's tomb up close and personal 7 times...maybe even 8.

jams o donnell said...

I've not come across this chef. Then again I daresay Jamie Olover is a nobody in the USA too!

Rhonda said...

I have to throw away my bottle of Emeril's essence now. I'll never be able to get past the image of what/who may be in that bottle.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Like Christina Aguilera never sang....
"He's an Emeril in a bottle, you gotta shake him the right way."