Sunday, February 10, 2008

Just When You Thought It Was Safe To Show A Little Cleavage.......

The wearing of V-Neck shirts has caused me a considerable amount of pain and unmitigated anguish over the years; but sometimes you just don't have any clean tops left to wear. That's where my true tale of horror begins.

I'm journaling the experience here so that others may avoid the wretched agony that happened to me yesterday.

As I moved from one job to another I asked my daughter, Monkey to toast some bread so I could take a ham salad sandwich on the road with me. Each bite sent gritty brown crumbs cascading down into my cavernous Boobie Pit where they became trapped. It really felt like those sharp and pointy little dried bread bits were writhing about and trying to escape from the wedge of darkness they found themselves in.

Meanwhile it was causing me a great deal of distress along with profound discomfort. I mean, I'm driving, should I take one hand off the wheel to dedicate to rooting around and de-crumbing my bra? That didn't seem prudent. Should I just throw caution to the wind and lift up my shirt to shake the crumbs out? That didn't seem prudent, either. Besides, Mardi Gras is over and I don't really need any beads. I'll save flashing for when I can reap big rewards.

Aside from a few furtive digs at my bosom area, I did nothing. When I finally arrived home I flung my V-Neck shirt to the floor and started scratching and pawing intensely as though possessed by unseen forces.

The moral of the story is that you're not safe to eat toasted sandwiches unless you're wearing a turtleneck or a strait jacket. V-Neck shirts are only good for emergency bread crumb storage in case you need to leave a trail to find your way out of a dark forest.

*You can buy special Bread Crumb Boobie Protectors over at humor-blogs.com*

31 comments:

omar said...

Um...

yeah, I've got nothing.

First?

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Don't play me like that, Omar. You know you've had similar experiences when wearing your vast collection of Simon Cowell-inspired V-Neck shirts.

glittersmama said...

Maybe I'll send you a bib for your on-the-road meals.

Stacey said...

I'm always amazed at the treasures I find when I wear v-necks. It's like Christmas all over again!

b. said...

I nearly put my eye out nodding in agreement with you on this one!

Post of the month.

Bee said...

It's like we're the same person! Only I can't seem to eat anything without sending a free sample to the Boobie Twins. Corn, lettuce, carrots, CHOCOLATE! But you're right, when I don't have time for dinner, I just leftovers from lunch!


By the way. You are the awesomest Infidel I have ever had the pleasure of "meeting". I got a message in a bottle yesterday that made my MONTH!
Gracias! ;o)

Bee said...

-- I just HAVE leftovers from lunch --

jams o donnell said...

I'm lucky just to get food bits in my beard!

Bex said...

My favorite boobalicious moment is undressing after I've been to the movie theater. Popcorn crumbs, anyone? Or perhaps I could interest you in a warm Milk Dud?? It's a perfect 98.6 degrees...

Bex

aubrey said...

my crumbs never get stuck in my boobage area..they just fall straight to the ground. it's actually rather depressing..

Carrot Jello said...

This just hits too close to home.

Jean Knee said...

not only that, Omar, but you know the crumbs got caught in your chest hair.

Jean Knee said...

nope, can't relate

No Cool Story said...

Glittersmama took my idea. No fair!!

Man, and that's all I had too.
Now I got nothin'

No Cool Story said...

Oh wait. I do!
I saw this happen with my own eyes Elastic ;) It was memorable.

Hey, I gave you an award and you can put it wherever you want.

Elizabeth-W said...

If I don't have cleavage, where do my crumbs go?
Maybe instead of the travel bib (there is such a thing, believe it or not), what 'we' need is lessons on how to eat without a multitude of crumbs.

Hilary said...

I'm with Aubrey.. straight through to the floor.. sigh!

Millie said...

You know, as much as I love them, I don't enjoy hearing from these "flatties" that their crumbs fall to the ground. It's bad enough, having to dig around between your sweaty bazooms to rid yourself of pointy toast crumbs (and the occasional fallen hair), without having to read that other people are sighing because they don't have this situation.

Who wants to trade boobs? You can see how the sweaty, crumby, hairy half lives. :)

shay said...

now you're just mocking me!

smuggling raisins over here:)

Nancy Face said...

My boobage-challenged chest comes home from the hair salon with precious little samples of my clients' hair clippings stuck in there.

I guess that means I have a hairy chest.

Amber said...

My husband likes them for that very reason. He claims he can go for Course #2. :-)

Tori :) said...

I never thought about cleavage being a holder of crumbs. You could store snacks that no one will want to share with you!

Geosomin said...

They're lousy for popcorn too. Unless yiou want to take a snack with you for later...then they're all kinds of cleavage storage in there. I bet you could fit a whole handful of cheerios in there no prob...without even trying really :)

Millie said...

That's how I smuggle treats into church. Those Tootsie Roll minis fit perfectly and they get kind of warm and soft (like on Ferris Bueller.

Although... it does get a little awkward when I go boob-diving in front of the other church peeps.

BarnGoddess said...

haha! oh how I know about this all too well.

My pet peeve is when I am haying my horses, hay always finds it way into my bra, making me itch like nothing other.....scratch scratch!

Melissa said...

I can honestly say that I have never had this experience. When you wear a bra sized "nearly a" you don't get many things falling down there... BIG OL SIGH...

Rebecca said...

I am one of those "blessed" gals. I used to be able not to get so...crumby, but since I've had kids I ALWAYS find stuff all over my shirt. Not so much between the "girls" unless I wear a plunging vneck. I only wear those at home. Somehow crumbs work their way down to the bottom of my bra, so that when I take it off I have a supportive lining of crumbs.

Rebecca said...

I just remembered this song, and now knowing your sense of humor wished I'd remembered to share it when you were posting discourage-mints. Of course, you may have already seen it!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_N0w2rORwSc

the frogster said...

A good lesson. I will plan to wear turtlenecks when I am going to snack in the car from now on.

Demosthenes said...

There's some manly-man-ish comment to be made here concerning pecs and similar problems... but I'm just not inspired. I don't think I can top a "cavernous boobie pit."

Sketchy said...

Just think of them as snacks for your spouse, you know later on...

Oops did I actually say that outloud?