The wearing of V-Neck shirts has caused me a considerable amount of pain and unmitigated anguish over the years; but sometimes you just don't have any clean tops left to wear. That's where my true tale of horror begins.
I'm journaling the experience here so that others may avoid the wretched agony that happened to me yesterday.
As I moved from one job to another I asked my daughter, Monkey to toast some bread so I could take a ham salad sandwich on the road with me. Each bite sent gritty brown crumbs cascading down into my cavernous Boobie Pit where they became trapped. It really felt like those sharp and pointy little dried bread bits were writhing about and trying to escape from the wedge of darkness they found themselves in.
Meanwhile it was causing me a great deal of distress along with profound discomfort. I mean, I'm driving, should I take one hand off the wheel to dedicate to rooting around and de-crumbing my bra? That didn't seem prudent. Should I just throw caution to the wind and lift up my shirt to shake the crumbs out? That didn't seem prudent, either. Besides, Mardi Gras is over and I don't really need any beads. I'll save flashing for when I can reap big rewards.
Aside from a few furtive digs at my bosom area, I did nothing. When I finally arrived home I flung my V-Neck shirt to the floor and started scratching and pawing intensely as though possessed by unseen forces.
The moral of the story is that you're not safe to eat toasted sandwiches unless you're wearing a turtleneck or a strait jacket. V-Neck shirts are only good for emergency bread crumb storage in case you need to leave a trail to find your way out of a dark forest.
*You can buy special Bread Crumb Boobie Protectors over at humor-blogs.com*