Tuesday, February 26, 2008

What A Bunch Of Freakin Posers!

My mom had this annoyingly competitive friend she left behind in our podunk Indiana town as we joined the Yankee mass exodus to Texas in 1984. My mom used to receive frequent letters from her detailing the very model of perfection and hallowed goodness her two children embodied. My mom's friend delighted in filling page after page with announcements like how the fruit of her loins had just won the Lifetime Golly Gee You're Neat-O Achievement Award and would we please consider sending a monetary donation to ensure that her kids can make their annual summer pilgrimage with the church down to Mexico to show the poor, impoverished little brown children how to change their pathetic lives by becoming super Neat-O mini-replicas of her own fantastical offspring? Yeah.

My poor mom didn't have much ammunition to combat her with, either. I mean, having a slacker daughter who's on the high school bowling team doesn't exactly lend itself to bragging rights. I was also a proud member of Amnesty International- Well, only because I thought brooding guys in black T-shirts that listened to The Smiths and Charlatans UK were teh awesome. They really should have been credited with the title, 'Godfathers Of EMO' and established Robert Smith as their patron saint.

So, one day while driving through the next neighborhood over from us, we both had an epiphany. There, standing before us, like a giant, looming beacon screaming out "Hey, It Smells Like Team Spirit!", we saw it-- a yard filled with signs, and all of them with my name emblazoned upon them. My mom had me pose smack in the middle of the glory field. A few staged pictures later and she could now tell her friend that I was not only a cheerleader, but also the captain of the track team, a member of National Honor Society, and on the Country Club's elite swim team........and then silently pray that her friend would never get a sudden yearning to come visit us. In keeping with my family's shameless traditions, I made my children pose for Easter pictures at our neighbor's house last week because their grass is greener and their azaleas are in bloom. Meanwhile my yard is in some sort of crunchy brown haze and everything but my trusty, no-fail dianthus are on a blooming strike. Yeah, I'm going to pass my neighbor's yard off as my own this year to long-distance friends and family who don't know any better. I gave up lying for the Lent season, but by the time these cards go out, Lent will be over. Keep on moving, there's no sin to see here. Nope, none at all........

(Okay, the Lent thing is a lie. We're not even Catholic.)

*Clicking on humor-blogs.com for me will release all the guilt and stress you've been feeling lately*

47 comments:

Bee said...

I am the first to rely my thought on this clean canvas!

Bee said...

BTW, word verification "ezybj"

Just sayin'.

Bee said...

Ha! I love it!
Now you've inspired me to jump the fence (uh... no Mexican jumping the fence jokes please, I know you oh so well!) of the rich people neighborhood and do the same. Maybe I"ll post 'em but if I get caught I'll send you a text for a different kind of post. As in posting a bond to spring me!

leigh said...

you've hit on one of my pet peeves - people who send "form letters" inside their yearly xmas cards.

your neighbor on the northwest side (h-town in the house!),

leigh

omar said...

Do you still bowl? What's your average?

Millie said...

"slacker daughter on the bowling team" was my favorite. That's why I love you so much.

I once had my family pose for a picture on a neighborhood play structure that was not ours. I feel the need to confess, now that you've called us picture-fakers out.

Anonymous said...

I love the ones from the filthy rich relatives that include pictures of them posing in the Alps with the Materhorn in the background. Makes me want to hurl. I ask them why they don't go to Dubai and stay at Al Arab, the only seven start hotel in the world?

You could always prepare a card with the most unbelievable activities like: getting a full ride scholorship to Oxford or being an extra in the latest Rambo film or whatever. People actually believe this crap...the others will see your humor.

nikko said...

My favorite part is the "brooding guys in black t shirts."

Hey, our engagement pictures were taken in front of a neighbor's tree. Does that count as posing? ;o)

BarnGoddess said...

leigh is right on-I those x-mas letters, who cares?!?!?!

great photo :) your little uns are growing up fast. Very beautiful family!

JustRandi said...

I love the picture! I can't believe ANYBODY's yard can look like that in February. Our yard won't green up until at least April.
Your infidels clean up nice!

Bee said...

::sigh:: "relay" "thoughts"

Lisa said...

Cute Cute kiddos! You are well ahead on the Easter thing!! I will be lucky if there is a picture.

By the way, one of my trees has some little flowers on it already! Isn't it wonderful to live where things grow in the winter?!

Millie said...

You know what would be funny? White trash Christmas letters.

"Here's a pitcher of BoDean goin' dumpster divin'... she found a nice kitchen chair that only had a little duct tape on it! SCORE!"

I dare you to, this year.

I sent out a Mad Lib Christmas form letter once. Yeah. Y'all can say it... I'm cool.

It's Just me! said...

I have a cousin that is my age and "has it all" (whatever that means) I admit, she is rich and rich does by talent (and really expensive clothes and private schools). Every Christmas, we get the perfect photo in front of the mansion and you would think her kids are 60 or so with all that they have accomplished and with the name brands they are requesting to wear!! It makes me throw up a little in my mouth reading it! haha!

I often tease others that I will be sending one out too. Mine will include stuff like "Hey! Didn't kill the kids for ANOTHER year, nobody got arrested, Kitty turned 17 and FINALLY passed a class. . . and so on. Those people just bug the crap outta me!

Hey! You have adorable kids regardless of who's yard you are in! You are a good woman to keep 6 of them alive! (and dressed).

It's Just me! said...

I should really look my comment over before sending it off for the world to see.

instead of by insert buy!! Money does buy!! hee hee!

I also did the biggest run on sentence in world history! What is in my brain right now? NOTHING!! That's the problem!

Klin said...

So does my yearly letter that says my son "frequently checked out ER rooms across the valley" sound good? I love the comment above that says "didn't kill the kids." LOL

Mine are pretty real and only go out to those who don't live by us. If we see you more than twice a year you know what's going on. Same old same old. Work. School. Dance. Blog. Football. We are the average people. What is average anyway?

Oh, and IF I made the bowling team it WOULD be something to write about! I still use bumper rails :) No gutter balls really improves my score. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Melissa said...

I wonder what people would do if I sent out a "real" letter.
Dear Friends and Family,
This year has sucked so far. We've been sick for a month coughing up green goo and laying around with fevers. Baby Girl has been a brat lately. Red is disobedient and pushing every boundary known to man. And I think Little Bug isn't talking, just to annoy me. Hubby snores and I have PMS. Hope y'all are well!
From, Us Crazies
Do you think that would work?

Physcokity said...

"The Godfather of EMO" bwahahaha

I vote yes on the white trash christmas letters.

I concur with the general census in regards to the whole "look how cool our family is, what else can we brag about this year?" form letters.

This is secretly why I thank my lucky stars that my sister was a total slacker this year and just did a cute picture that said Merry Christmas from the fam.

Lauren said...

You have the cutest family! I love that you posed in the neighbor's yard! You are bomb.

Elizabeth-W said...

Love the brick. Nobody out here has beautiful brick. :(

Bex said...

Cute Easter snap! In 2006 we took a family picture and had Christmas cards made. Yet I managed to never mail them. Last year I never even had them made. Bottom line: I really suck the big one. Make that the Big One. So even if I wanted to compete in the card thing...I'd screw it up with my procrastination. But let's not detract from my message - nice blog!

Carrot Jello said...

Brilliant! Absolutely brilliant!

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Okay. My grandma collapsed Sunday night and she underwent major surgery yesterday. What happened to her is so unbelievably excruciating, I can hardly believe that she made it through. There was a hole in her diaphragm and it allowed her intestines to poke through and enter into her lungs. Have you ever heard of something so weird??!!? She's in the ICU but feeling better. Anyway, between that and my work schedule, I won't be checking blogs much until Friday.

I'm always good for comment payback. Consider this your comment IOU.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Omar and Klin- You didn't have to "try out" to make the bowling team, you just had to sign up for it. I bowled a 200.....with bumpers. I bowl around 100 au naturel. I did own my own bowling shoes and ball......a blue ball. (No jokes, please) I was special.

Leigh- No, I'm reppin the H-town northwest side! For realz. Spring/Klein/Tomball area.

To A Lot Of The Commenters Above- I'm not as wonderful as this post portrays me to be. I totally neglected to send out any Christmas cards. None. Nada. Zip. Cero. I'm trying to make amends now. I also never write braggy form letters. My mom always taught me this:
1.People who brag about having a lot of money are broke idiots living off cans of Vienna Sausages.
2. People who want to include you in their latest get-rich-quick scheme are broke idiots living off cans of Vienna Sausages.
3. People who claim to be super-alien-hybrid level intelligent and that thier kids are smarter than your kids are usually mouth-breathing idiots stupid enough to eat cans of Vienna Sausages.
Here's one I figured out all on my own:
1. People that brag constantly about how much sex they're getting are usually sad and lonely individuals with nary a can of Vienna Sausages to keep them company.(I'm talking to YOU David and Tiger) Ditto for people who won't stop talking about how often they get "hit on."

elasticwaistbandlady said...

I'm living a life akin to the Redneck Christmas Newsletter.The only difference is I've never lost a relative named Cletus to a used tire avalanche that fell over and crushed him when he was making his way to the outhouse/marijuana greenhouse.

If I did write one though, I'd call it: The White Trash Jubilee and I'd include funnel cake-scented perfume samples in every copy.


Thank you, thank you for all your comments. I'm off to work, now. Why yes, it is only 3:43 in the morning. Why do you ask? I'm like Donna Summers. I work daaammmmnnnn hard for the money.

Jean Knee said...

so much to comment on
1. our grass is brown, we got a letter from HOA saying we had inadequate landscaping--we aint gonna do nothing about it either
2.bowling rocks---if you have those rail things in
3.I eat vienna sausages
4. I hope your Grandma is okay
5. there is no five

Millie said...

Poor Grandma, that is pretty unheard-of (to me). Hope she recovers quickly. Blessings to her and your family.

Rebecca said...

I was laughing out loud at the fact you took the pictures in the neighbor's yard.

Pure genius!

Bee said...

Dude! I get hit on all the time! Just today I was walking into the building and this troll look alike said "Wuz up shawty?" and I was all like "Nutin' pimp!". See, it happens in real life!

Physcokity said...

If those are the kinds of form letters you will be sending out, my only request is that I am allowed to sign up for the mailing list!

Lisa said...

Yikes! I hope your grandma is okay!!

Last year (2006)Don wrote our Christmas letter and said things like I was pregnant (I wasn't) and what a bummer for the kids who are now going to have to share their inheritance (inheritance!?). Emily smokes 2 packs a day and Amanda is some sort of tree hugger. He did. I can't tell you the good and the bad responses I got out of that. Some relatives spoke to one another saying, "I can't believe they let her smoke!" The other relative had to explain it was a joke. Then I had to do the Texas tour this Christmas to make sure people knew we didn't have a baby and my kids are normal. Not that 14 year old 2 pack a day smokers aren't normal. There ya go.

Demosthenes said...

If it's any comfort, those amnesty kids still exist. They solicit me daily on my way to Commons. I sympathize, but it gets excessive sometimes. People have considered making "I Heart Waterboarding" shirts to keep them off their backs.

The a cappella groups, however, are far worse.

on.the.run said...

CUTE Easter picture, your kiddos are too cute.

At least your mom could be proud that you participated in some way... I did nothing - well I got in fights, that was about it. I also used to take those signs from people's yards and put them in other people's yards... or take bumper stickers from one person's car and switch it with some one else's... I was pretty cool - admit it.

Stacey said...

Aww,your poor grandma. I'm glad she is doing alright now.

Love the Easter pic of the kiddies!

I so agree about white trash letters. Up until a few days ago I had a nice backdrop that I could have used for my kids' picture. A broken table,vacuum,dishwasher,2 couches,glider and matching ottoman that were in our backyard. I could have put the boys in wifebeaters and Brianna in a muu-muu with curlers in her hair. I could just kick myself for missing the opportunity.

Word verification: cuxvfao..kiss your momma with that mouth?

compulsive writer said...

Easter?

Azeleas?

Cute infidel children?

Awwwwwww sweet!

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Lisa- Ooooh your husbands a naughty, naughty boy. Did you have to spank him?

Marie said...

How do you get them all to smile and look at the camera at the same time?

Tracy said...

Coming from West Virginia, even the white trash letter is looked at as bragging.
I once recieved a Christmas letter from a couple who had no children so we got the liberty of reading TWO...that's not a typo....two pages all about the trials and success of their DOGS. And you know what's worse, those dogs did more in a year than we did. Frickers.
You have beautiful children. I admire you for having six and not losing any. You know, like going out shopping with six but coming back with four. Good work.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Marie- By witholding bathroom privileges. Those are smiles brought on by nervous bladders.

Tracy- See, we used to have 8......until we loaded em up into the back of our pickup truck. We made a sharp turn close to the Piggly Wiggly store and I guess we lost them somewhere around there.

Nancy Face said...

I'm sorry your grandma is going through such horribly painful physical trials. I hope she will recover and be okay. :(

Nancy Face said...

I have relatives that remind me of your mom's annoying competitive friend person. Sometimes it makes me want to hit things! :0

Nancy Face said...

Kris Face enjoys calling our kids the fruit of his loins.

It really grosses them out, haha! :D

Nancy Face said...

Who cares about the neighbor's green grass and azaleas? Your mini-Infidels look so great, I'm not noticing the yard! :D

elasticwaistbandlady said...

My grandma's doing great! Well, as great as can be expected after getting your bowels pulled out of your lungs and re-positioned correctly. Anyway, she's in the ICU for a few more days but she's already off the ventilator and able to sit up. I'm going to try to visit her tomorrow.....if I can get my butt in gear today and go finish working.

jams o donnell said...

Oh EWBL I'm sorry to hear about your gran. I hope she is doing okay and makes a speedy recovery.

That's a lovely family photo. Sadly for us there's no way we can get all four cats in the same place for one of our own....

As for bragging, the not-wife and I are the Sultan and Sultana of indolence.. Dear X, this year we did absolutely nothing, We still ahven't gotten around to getting that new laminate flooring... for the nth year in a row... and so on!

Seriously though, your gran is in my thoughts.

Lisa said...

He is naughty, and although I didn't spank him, my kids like to give him a little smack for loads of naughty things. It's a daily thing.

Rebecca said...

I hope your Gran is ok too. Sending happy thoughts....