Tuesday, March 11, 2008

My Bologna Has A First Name....... And So Does My Feminine Hygiene Product!

From skimpy personalized thongs to giant bean bag chairs, I've seen all kinds of cheesy crap stamped with the gloriousness that is my name. Sadly, after searching for many years, I've still yet to find even one line of feminine hygiene products bearing my moniker- scribbling 'MELISSA' on the front of the package with a black Sharpie marker isn't quite the same. I frequently entertained swirling thoughts of legally changing my name to Tampax or Kotex until the fateful morning I stumbled across this display at our local 99 Cents Only Store. Oh wow, the Julie's of the world really have all the luck, don't they? I'm experiencing serious monogram envy.Now Julie can join the ranks of important females with iconic names like Sara Lee, Betty Crocker, Aunt Jemima, Little Debbie, and Wendy's. I can only imagine the profound befuddlement of the poor men who reside in homes dominated by estrogen as to why their ladies keep talking about someone or something named Julie. Anyway, I've secretly placed a hidden Infidel microphone in just such a home. Let's listen in, shall we?

"I wore white pants today and Julie really let me down. I should sue Julie for the dry cleaning bill."

"I'm riding the Julie Express again for the fourth day in a row."

"Just because Julie has wings doesn't mean that Julie can fly. Kindly walk your Julie to the can instead of throwing Julie across the room"

"That stanky Julie's been all up in my business today."

"I'm so glad that Julie was with me when Aunt Flo came to visit. Aunt Flo can be a real pain in the azz but Julie absorbs everything she can dish out with no complaints!"

"No, I'm sorry, not tonight, honey. I've already got Julie between my legs."

At certain times of the month my world revolves around you, Julie. Also, I can honestly say that you've boldly gone where no Julie has ever gone before. Congratulations, Julie!


Don't you forget about me. I'll be alone, dancing you know it, baby. Don't you forget about me....don't, don't, don't. Don't you...... forget about me. Please click. Gracias!
Humor-Blogs.com

43 comments:

omar said...

The title warned me, and yet I still kept reading. The voice in the back of my head was like, "Omar, this post will talk about menstruation. Stop now!" But I was like, "C'mon, voice. I'm a grown man."

Then I got to the part about riding the Julie Express, and the voice was like, "I hate to say it, but I told you so."

Klin said...

Holy Banana Split!!! That was hee-larry-us!

Ahem, I am so grateful for my hysterectomy and the no-longer-a-need to deal with Aunt Flo or Julie! for myself anyway.

glittersmama said...

It makes me wonder if those were named after someone's wife or daughter or perhaps ex-girlfriend.

Bee said...

I can soar higher than an eagle, cuz you are the wind beneath my wings!

Ha ha ha! That was hilarious!

Bee said...

Also, I know a girl by that name and she deserves to get dumped on. That's all I"m sayin'.
She is my arch nemesis or enemy whatever.
So this post touched me on a personal level.

b. said...

Simple Minds, Simple Minds....

Poor Julie. They were probably made in China. Something was seriously lost in translation.

Melissa said...

Wrong wrong wrong! On so many levels...
I don't want my feminine hygiene products to have a name that I can put a face to... blech!

Stacey said...

I think this is the perfect revenge. You know what you did Julie,don't even try to deny it.

emma jo said...

I'm so disturbed...I think I might feel a need to say "thank you" every time I reached into the package..."Thanks for sharing, Julie". Just too personal--I'll stick with Playtex.

Julia said...

Great. Like I needed another reason to clarify to the planet that my name is JULIA not JULIE.

Hi-larious.

JD at I Do Things

Windyridge said...

This is my first visit by way of the "I Do Thing's" blog and I'm glad I came. You are a riot!

Hilary said...

Bloody hilarious! ;) I was ummm .. totally absorbed!

Geosomin said...

Tee hee :)

on.the.run said...

Laughing and laughing. My sister is named Julie - I will have to direct her your way.

Tracy said...

If it makes you feel any better, I've never seen a pad named Tracy. I guess you and I can always hold out hope for the tampons. I know my fingers are crossed that the next time I go to the grocery I'll see a box of Tracy's right next to the Pearls!

Elizabeth-W said...

I think the problem is that nothing really rhymes with Melissa.

Carrot Jello said...

You are naughty.
NAUGHTY.

It's Just me! said...

Oh, the thought of Julie between my legs is making me glad I've had a hysterectomy! I'd be feeling a little dike-ish every month with my Julie!

aubrey said...

holy crap. this was hilarious. but then omar's comment put me over the edge. i will NOT direct my good friend julie to this post. poor girl. and the "No, I'm sorry, not tonight, honey. I've already got Julie between my legs." was the best. oh dear.

Millie said...

"Julie's been all up in my business today" got me going.

I also like "riding the cotton Julie."

Seriously, if my name was Julie, I'd be all up in the generic maxi pad manufacturer's business. Couldn't he call them something else, like Vera or Bertha?

elasticwaistbandlady said...

I'm running from one job to another job in preparation to get to my OTHER job. Woe is me. I'll see you all on Thursday.

Thanks for all your lurvely comments! You should pass this on to all the very special Julie's in your life. I know that they'll appreciate it immensely.

Nancy Face said...

You're HILARIOUS!!! Here's where I busted out laughing:

"Just because Julie has wings doesn't mean that Julie can fly. Kindly walk your Julie to the can instead of throwing Julie across the room."

Hahaha! :D

Nancy Face said...

I began reading this last night, but Lauren and her boyfriend were sitting on the office couch in sight of the computer screen and the lovely photo of the Julie sisters...I decided to save it for this morning!

The anticipation made it very difficult to sleep. ;)

Nancy Face said...

Yesterday at the grocery store I saw a bread display that made me think to myself:

"Gee, I wish Elasticwaistbandlady were here. Just think of the post she could come up with!"

The name of the bread was BIMBO...no kidding.

Jean Knee said...

Hee hee.

sick, just sick.

that's why I love it. I'm going back to read it again.

Millie said...

(I bet Julie smells weird)

Lauren said...

Julie is gonna be all up in my business when I go to Mexico. I hate that.

Lisa said...

I knew a Julie....this is fitting.

Stacey said...

Just had to come back for another giggle.

jams o donnell said...

Hahahah EWBL you excel yourself! I'm still laughing as I type! the not-wife is an Always gal

Physcokity said...

In response to jean knee...
some of my friends had a poster that said "Aqui hay Bimbo!"

No lie. I chuckled to myself whenever I saw it.

Amber said...

Does having Julie so close to, well, you know, mean that I am gay?

Just curious.

NOBODY said...

You should know, "Just because Julie has wings doesn't mean that Julie can fly. Kindly walk your Julie to the can instead of throwing Julie across the room"
made me laugh out loud.

And also, that my best friend's name is Julie. No lie.

BarnGoddess said...

"No, I'm sorry, not tonight, honey. I've already got Julie between my legs."


LOL, my husband would appreciate that one.....

those poor Julies of our world, I would be PO'ed

Bee said...

:o( Hope you feel better soon. I hear a bag of peas works wonders! Although, I'm not sure where you're supposed to put it...

Julie said...

Oh....laughing so hard.... Should I try harder to be offended because Julie is my name?

Diesel said...

I... um... I'll just see myself out.

Lori said...

PPPPPPFFFFFFTTTTTTTTTTAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHA To f***ing funny!!!!!!!!! You are so going in my Wednesday's Wealth of Blog Fodder next week!!!!!!! OMG I will be back because...well...I'm about 2 lbs away from elastic waistbands

VE said...

Do they have a teen version: Julia Child?

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Hi. Sorry about the delay. I'm trying to catch up on blogs but I've been writhing about in pain almost all weekend due to a major toothache and infection.

Dr. Carrot Jello called me today and nursed me. No, not like breastfeeding, sicko. Her dad was a dentist so she gave me some good advice until I can see a dentist tomorrow. I'm already feeling a little better.

Comments make me happy. It's shallow but it's true! Thanks.

Sarah Jane said...

I love you.

Jenny Girl said...

That was hilarious. I'm an instant fan! Consider this a nod to one more platter of nachos!

Anonymous said...

I saw these in Vegas in 2006. My brother and husband teased me mercilessly - you guessed it, I'm a Julie :)