Let's talk about inevitability, shall we? It's inevitable that the moment you sneak a quick nose pick in public you'll suddenly see someone you know staring back at you with a look of disgust. It's inevitable that you'll lean over at a Church Potluck Supper to remark something like, "Who brought that dish over there? It looks like the actual bowl of green, greasy gopher guts from that song," to the very person who cooked up the offensive food. It's also inevitable that my mini-Infidels will tell me of their impending projects at the last possible minute.
Fortunately, I've come to rely on the power of The Mighty Moon Pie to solve all my problems. So when Infidel Daughter The Second needed to pull together a lesson for her Activity Day meeting at Church, we opted to make the flower pot cuties above. We followed the recipe precisely. Disappointingly, as much as we poked and stabbed the lollipop sticks into the sandwich cookies like crazed junkies with needles, they refused to stay. Then divine providence struck. I turned to my old emergency stand-by, The Mighty Moon Pie and was able to pull together these blossoming beauties lickety-split. (Yeah. I said lickety-split. And?)
You see there is no problem too big or too small that can't be solved using the wonders of The Mighty Moon Pie. Need a little padding in the cups of a saggy bra? Stuff a couple of rounded Moon Pies in there to give the appearance of a naturally curvaceous bosom.....the cleavage heat will ensure a tasty little marshmallow-creme treat for later, too! Yes, there's at least 101 uses for a faithful sidekick like the moon pie. Behold:
One time, back in the day, I was getting ready to go to the club, but I couldn't find my giant gold hoop earrings. Two hollowed-out banana moon pies later, and I was ghetto fabulousness personified! As an added bonus, the allure of the banana scent had every man going ape-sheet over me, too.
There's no racial tension in the world of The Mighty Moon Pie. We could learn a lot from a moon pie. Ebony and ivory, living together in perfect harmony, side by side on my cutting board.
When 8 year-old Caterpillar bitterly complained that Polly Pocket never got to go on vacation, I fashioned Polly her very own Polly Pocket Temptation Island complete with a palm tree. I did not include a margarita machine or Peter Pocket, though. The last thing I want is tiny illegitimate Pocket babies with all their magnetic accessories littering the floor of my house. I got enough kids to worry about around here.
The moon pie's waxy layers makes it a perfect choice as a substitute coaster when you realize you didn't buy enough for your family get-together; not that your redneck relatives will actually utilize them when plopping their generic cola cans down on your furniture. As you can see, they're also easily personalized.
Yes, The Mighty Moon Pie is indeed a national treasure of staggering proportions and should be revered as such. Recently discovered documents reveal that Islamic terrorists plan to invade our country in order to wrest away control of the original moon pie factory in Tennessee. They want to butcher our beloved moon pies into half-moon pies as pictured above, just to break down our morale and satisfy their own maniacally egotistical ways........we musn't let them win!
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