Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Super Stupid Tuesday!

Texans will finally be able to voice their political opinion today when the polls open up at 7:00 A.M. Sadly, not one of my preferred Presidential candidates mustered up enough support to make it to this stage of the game. The only silver lining for staunch conservatives like me is that we'll finally escape the political ad crapfest that's been polluting local talk radio airwaves for months, now.
(Thanks to Lakeland Local for the photo. It's under a Creative Commons License. Do not copy.)
The very worst thing about Texas in a political year is the way the candidates adopt the most corn-pone accent this side of Dueling Banjos. They put on a big production prancing and swaggering around while throwing out abundant 'Hey Y'all's' and 'Howdy's' everytime they speak. Gather them up and as a collective they'd all qualify as final round contestants of every Southerner's favorite reality show, 'Who Wants To Be The Biggest Hick?'

The lady running for the County District Attorney position wins the worst offender prize. Implausibly, her ad campaign people came up with this tag line for her to draawwwllll out at the end of her radio ad spots: "Vote for me because you can't play politics with justice." Sounds like a decent slogan, right? Well, not really when paired up with the ad disclaimer that immediately follows it which states: "Paid for by the Republican Party of Crackertopia County." Right. You can't play politics with justice but you can allow political parties to pay for your candidacy. Contradictory contradiction, much?

Her ads have also included the endorsements from crime victims whose cases she helped prosecute. One dramatic lady declares, "She's a tough little gal like a Bulldog in a Chihuahua's body." Wait, what? Are you saying that the District Attorney hopeful is really a yappy and annoying dog who craves Taco Bell? What if she had curly hair and jumped through flaming hula hoops as a hobby, would she then be a Bulldog in a Poodle's body? What if she had a fugly flat nose and lazy eye, would they revise the ad to announce that she's like a Bulldog in a Pug's body? I mean breaking it down doggy style only tells me that she might have a place alongside Snoop Dogg and Tha Dogg Pound instead of the County Courthouse.

A message to the rest of you political incumbent hopefuls........ just because you run an ad where your pocket lobbyist declares you to be "The Greatest Person In The History Of Ever" doesn't mean I'm going to vote for you. I actually read and I know what your voting track record is and how you betrayed Crackertopia County time and again. I also don't really care that the Frequent Burrito Eaters Club has endorsed your candidacy or that your mom tells everyone that you always wear clean underwear and therefore they should vote for you. I vote based on what you, as a representative, have accomplished for your constituents. I'm just keeping it real, yo.

*Don't forget to vote for ME on Super Tuesday by clicking here on Humor-Blogs.com. A vote for me is a vote for comedic superiority. Let's send a message to those pundits over there who continue wallowing in humor mediocrity by sending me to the top of the ranks.*

30 comments:

Jean Knee said...

I'm writing in Elasticwaistbandlady on every vote today. typing in , whatever

Go Kinky!

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Every day is a good day to get Kinky, Jean Knee. I'm really glad that you want to get Kinky with me!!!!

Lisa said...

Well, Howdy! Election time bugs. I hate the show of it all--Ya'll.

Matthew said...

Vote right.....or else. If not, search my blog for the truth.
BTW, I can't figure out if I know you.
Maybe you just really enjoy surfing blogs to call people out on there early 90's R&B facts.
Give me a holla, elastic infidel

Bee said...

Maybe they can whore it up a little and don a bikini. I'd vote for them then I sure would cuz I have the IQ of an alcoholic flea on anti-depressants.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

A bikini? Why stop there? They should just pose naked to further their careers!

Hmmmmm, I keep forgetting. What's it called when you shamelessly show skin in exchange for something you want? Oh yeah, prostitution. The bestest is when you use your real names and pictures of your kids so any drooling perv with Internet access can find you!

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Real men who love their wives don't allow them to be objectified. They tend to want to keep the hotness all to themselves.

Just sayin.......

Sketchy said...

Yeah, I was wondering how knee-deep it was getting down there. Being so close to Ohio we're hearing a lot over here to, but at least I can ignore it. By the time PA votes in over a month everything will be all decided anyway so I can tune out without feeling guilty at all.

the Bag Lady said...

The Bag Lady feels your pain, because we just went through a provincial election here. The election was yesterday, so the airwaves are blissfully devoid of political ads.
(so, as an aside, are you telling us that not all of y'all down there say y'all? Gosh, what a disappointment...)

JustRandi said...

Ugggh. Elections are getting so political, aren't they?
;0

Bee said...

It's funny you said that because I made the mistake of wearing a top a little revealing (natural bosoms) and the husband was not pleased. He said he liked having me all to himself.

Melissa said...

Wait... there's an election this year?

Tori :) said...

I think I've received a phone call from Barrack and Hilary everyday this past week. We're tight like that I guess...

Bill and Chelsea called me last week.

Rebecca said...

Hey, Elastic! If that gal is a chihuahua (aren't most politicians yappy and annoying?), what dog is Hillary? I'd love to hear your suggestion.

And, I have to say that having your MOM endorse you on commercials just says "loser". No one says, "LOOK! That guys MOM just endorsed him! I have to run to the polls RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

One ad here a few years ago had the candidate, her mother and her daughter all in the same commercial. It was such a turnoff. I think they were baking cookies.

Now, I have nothing against cookies except that they make me fat--um--fatter. But I don't think cookie baking has anything to do with running for office!

NOBODY said...

I love the word "constituents". Ever since O Brother Where Art Thou "Is you is, or is you ain't, my constitch-ncy?" I try to find ways to use the word. It's not that easy.

And this side of dueling banjos is just downright hilarious.

As embarrassed as I was to be living in Iowa, for who they elected, I love that we were the first to be done with all the political campaigning. It gets old. But you put a nice interesting spin on it. Maybe YOU should work for some of these candidates.

NOBODY said...

I didn't mean elected.

nikko said...

I'm with Tori. Tired of Barack leaving me messages on my answering machine.

;o)

Millie said...

Yo quiero be elected. That's really awesome imagery, thanks. :)

Guess what's on the radio right now - that ode to cross-dressers everywhere, "Lola" by the Kinks.

Bee said...

All day today I've been sayin' "Yo quiero Taco Bell". I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY! ;op

Jean Knee said...

yeah!

Geosomin said...

All Hail Crackertopia.
Good luck. I can't imagine how wierd it gets down there with elections..US elections are very different from them up here in Canuckland...on the other hand,it seems like anyone can run down there so you must get a bunch of crazies to keep you amused during it all. Up here all we get are the Marajuana Party...not the same amusement factor.
Happy voting.
Y'all.

Stacey said...

Is it over yet? My brain can't hold on until November. Everytime I see Decsion 2008 I want to shove a poker through my eye.

Word verification: drkqd. I knew a few of those in high school.

Stacey said...

Decision..D-e-c-i-s-i-o-n...Decision.

the frogster said...

Hey y'all, just a friendly remimder that kinky is not the Texas way.

carronin said...

I'm with Stacey, I'm sooo over the election already. I have election constipation.

I'm proud that I from one of the states that voted for MIGHTY MITT!

Bee said...

Oh! You have to let go of the balls!

elasticwaistbandlady said...

No, I won't. I want to hokd on to the balls and squeeze them for awhile. :0

Voluntary torture took place in the Infidel homestead this evening. I can't believe what a contrived and boring show Supernanny is. Is she a nanny or a freakin psychiatrist?

It's Just me! said...

I usually pick the person with clean underwear. I'm weird like that! hehe. But I'm NOT picking them if they have anything fugly about them! Fugly is just so..er fugly!

shay said...

I'm loving watching y'all from a distance. It just barely makes sense to me (I'm Canadian) but I'm getting a crash course in polly scy!

I think maybe you would scare the average politician. I'm not sure they want us thinking for ourselves so much.

Nancy Face said...

I really enjoyed all the dog talk in refernce to the County District Attorney candidate!

I'm not enjoying the elections.