Texans will finally be able to voice their political opinion today when the polls open up at 7:00 A.M. Sadly, not one of my preferred Presidential candidates mustered up enough support to make it to this stage of the game. The only silver lining for staunch conservatives like me is that we'll finally escape the political ad crapfest that's been polluting local talk radio airwaves for months, now.
(Thanks to Lakeland Local for the photo. It's under a Creative Commons License. Do not copy.)
The very worst thing about Texas in a political year is the way the candidates adopt the most corn-pone accent this side of Dueling Banjos. They put on a big production prancing and swaggering around while throwing out abundant 'Hey Y'all's' and 'Howdy's' everytime they speak. Gather them up and as a collective they'd all qualify as final round contestants of every Southerner's favorite reality show, 'Who Wants To Be The Biggest Hick?'
The lady running for the County District Attorney position wins the worst offender prize. Implausibly, her ad campaign people came up with this tag line for her to draawwwllll out at the end of her radio ad spots: "Vote for me because you can't play politics with justice." Sounds like a decent slogan, right? Well, not really when paired up with the ad disclaimer that immediately follows it which states: "Paid for by the Republican Party of Crackertopia County." Right. You can't play politics with justice but you can allow political parties to pay for your candidacy. Contradictory contradiction, much?
Her ads have also included the endorsements from crime victims whose cases she helped prosecute. One dramatic lady declares, "She's a tough little gal like a Bulldog in a Chihuahua's body." Wait, what? Are you saying that the District Attorney hopeful is really a yappy and annoying dog who craves Taco Bell? What if she had curly hair and jumped through flaming hula hoops as a hobby, would she then be a Bulldog in a Poodle's body? What if she had a fugly flat nose and lazy eye, would they revise the ad to announce that she's like a Bulldog in a Pug's body? I mean breaking it down doggy style only tells me that she might have a place alongside Snoop Dogg and Tha Dogg Pound instead of the County Courthouse.
A message to the rest of you political incumbent hopefuls........ just because you run an ad where your pocket lobbyist declares you to be "The Greatest Person In The History Of Ever" doesn't mean I'm going to vote for you. I actually read and I know what your voting track record is and how you betrayed Crackertopia County time and again. I also don't really care that the Frequent Burrito Eaters Club has endorsed your candidacy or that your mom tells everyone that you always wear clean underwear and therefore they should vote for you. I vote based on what you, as a representative, have accomplished for your constituents. I'm just keeping it real, yo.
*Don't forget to vote for ME on Super Tuesday by clicking here on Humor-Blogs.com. A vote for me is a vote for comedic superiority. Let's send a message to those pundits over there who continue wallowing in humor mediocrity by sending me to the top of the ranks.*