Sunday, April 06, 2008

We Spend All Our Dollars At The Cents Store!

I don't usually quote the deep profundity of words set forth by the lyrical genius that is Akon and Wyclef Jean, but their collaborative song, Sweetest Girl got me thinking. When the two belt out the main chorus "Cause I'm a tell you like you told me, cash rules everything around me, singing dollar, dollar bill, y'all" all I can do is nod my head and mutter "True dat. True dat."

While I may indeed harbor some guilt of living for the bill and whining for the bill, never once have I actually killed for the bill or grinded for the bill.......although I do frequently ask my boss, "Where my money at?" And as soon as I get me those dollar bills in my eager little paws, I load up the mini-Infidels to take a foray down to the creme de la creme of dollar stores, 99 Cents Only.

Got a special someone in your life that's really into collectibles? Well then, this stunning mini-angel dancing around a gilded pole will make the most charmingly delightful gift! Be sure to collect the whole Stripper Angel series.

(You have to zoom in to see the details. Apparently the angel is on some sort of elevated stage with the pole connected to it. But, that's okay, because it's all made out of crystal so that makes it super classy!)

My mussels are more smokin than your mussels!

The mini-Infidels and I all enjoyed some dollar store Champagne in a box. I think that Champagne would make a perfect addition to any church potluck or Alcoholics Anonymous party. Although toasting each other while using Champagne will result in a big, crumbly mess.

Jean Knee, when will I see you again? When will we share Precious Moments? Will I have to wait forever? Will I have to suffer? Will I have to wait the whole night through?

I've already got the entire Precious Moments tableware collection washed and polished and ready for your visit. Come on, you know you've always wanted to eat off the face of a doe-eyed Precious Moments character.


Yeah, I feed my family lard right from the box, but dangit, it's Premium Lard, because nothing's too good for my family.

This little sub-compact car has big dreams. It fantasizes about growing a few more inches so that he can play road hog and dominate the streets while other cars flee in terror. Until the Fairy Carmother grants his wish, though he'll just content himself by occupying FOUR parking lot spaces.

These are beach balls. They all advertise the 99 Cent Only Store on them. Whenever Sunbum gets a new ball, she immediately takes out a Sharpie marker and writes 99 Cents Only all over it.

The 99 Cents Only people have brainwashed her. Maybe my savvy little Sunbum can sue and end up running her very own 99 Cents Only Store one day and extend an employee discount to her beloved mother.


A wise woman once said: "A flock of bees can kick the livin crap out of a Flock Of Seagulls."

I thought these were adorable even though we all know that neither Bee nor Jerry Seinfeld are chock full of honey-sweetness. :)

And finally, there was construction going on outside. Despite the package's DO NOT CRUSH warning, I found myself hopelessly crushing on it. I mean, isn't that the cutest rectangular box you've ever seen? It was so totally, crush at first sight!

After I done whined for the bill and worked for the bill, I spent all my bills at the 99 Cents Only Store. Now the cycle must begin anew!

33 comments:

Alice said...

Our Dollar Store closed. I'm sad. Maybe we'll get a 99 cents store in its stead.

Oh - and the lard killed me. ; )

Hey It's Di said...

Don't you have any Cents? OK, that was lame. Yeah, we unfortunately get ripped off around here with the the so call "upper crust stores" Like "The Dollar Tree". We all know that money don't come from trees. . . well it kind of does. Anywho, I loved your photo tour of that great store! And I too am finding my self regretably crushing on that box. There is just something about it;)

I have an award for you on my blog:)

jams o donnell said...

Such treasures to behold EWBL. Lard at just 99C? what an age to live in!

As for that car, I hope it got a good booting (of the Denver kind!)

Bee said...

I checked my sweet-o-meter and you're right, it's runnin' low!

Can you believe my grandma still cooked with lard up until 10 years ago??

That is mighty crushable!

You should send that picture of the car to youparklikeana**hole.com

Jean Knee said...

oh myyyy gawwwwd, I cant' wait to eat off one of them precious moments beauties. I'm still stunned

Jean Knee said...

Oh man, I could use that farmerJohn lard in the Waffle Maker 4000. the price of buteer and fake butter is rising. uhhhm, how much did you say that lard is?

Klin said...

Nothing like good champagne that you can consume and then drive a car to get home from the infidel party! I loved it.

a kelly said...

This is a Smiling Infidel Classic Post...
If you have such a category. This would be in it.
You make me laugh.

PJ said...

Last week my bops picked out fly swats with a big flower glued on one side from the $ store. Our flies die in style.

Stacey said...

Man why does your store get premium lard?? All we get is the regular lard.

I bet you think you are better than me now,don't you? *sob*

That fetchin' car taking up the spaces! Premium lard is too good for him.

Lisa said...

You know, I never go to the dollar store. But everyone I know brags about all the great deals and the wonderful things they find. I so need to go!

Millie said...

Good crud, that's great lard!!!!

"fairy carmother" was awesome...

I hope they come out with a Pasties Angel statuette. Then a Thong Angel, and perhaps then a Bustier Angel...

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Jean Knee- 99 Cents ONLY!!!!
We can use the penny saved/penny earned at the penny candy shop. They do still have penny candy shops, don't they?

Alice- Yes! Lard is a killer!

DI- We have Dollar Tree, too. They're not as exciting as 99 CENTS ONLY, though where you knock a whole penny off every item you purchase.

JAMS and BEE- Ha! I actually took the picture to send it in to youparklikeanazzhole.com at my daughter's insistence and then when I went to the website they said their gallery storage/memory is too full and they aren't taking more submissions.

klin- Toasted Champagne versus Getting Toasted on Champagne.

PJ- I'm thinking about investing in a garden full of Venus Flytraps.....or maybe some chopsticks so I can kill them Mr. Miyagi style.

a kelly- I'm glad I make you laugh. My mom says I make her cry. I guess that all balances out in the universe.

stacey- Yeah! I should have written up a citation telling him that he is banned from purchasing premium lard ever again in this lifetime for parking like such an azz.

Millie- All boxes come with the exciting Alan O'Day CD single, Undercover Angel, Midnight Fantasy!
Don't hate me because my lard is beautiful....and cheap.

Amber said...

Toooooo funny. But LARD in a BOX?

Ugh.

But then again, better there than on my butt...

No Cool Story said...

Precious Moments is so precious.

I'm so confused about that angel. What in the world is that? I'm obviously too dumb to understand its intricate detail by golly!

Tori :) said...

FOUR parking spaces!! Are you kidding me!?!?

Lia said...

Winner for Best Picture is "4 Parking Spaces". Winner for Best Caption is "Do Not Crush". Thanks for playing. :)

Suzanne said...

If you got a discount then you'd have to write $.89 on all your beach balls and that might confuse everyone. :)

VE said...

That's awesome. Where else can you get your supply of lard and a pole dancing angel. I need to get out more...

what's a donzer said...

This was awesome. 99 cents for a Precious Moments tableware extravaganza? I'm all over it. I used to have Precious Moments wallpaper in my room. I think my mom did it to scare away any boys I snuck in when I was a teenager.

Stacey said...

You just gave me a great idea for Mother's Day! After all,nothing says,"I love ya mom!" like an angel showing off her goodies.

My word verification had VD in it...coincidence? I think not.

Tracy said...

Listen, I'm all about the 99 cent store but I don't know if I would eat those mussels. There are just some things that should not be sold at dollar stores!
And I must have me one of those angel strippers! I lurve her!

shay said...

I am laughing so hard! A stripper angel?! WHAT?! And I'm not crushin' on the box too - very cute!

Melissa said...

I love going to the dollar store... Always good for a laugh :) I've never seen the stripper angel... maybe she's really just a single mom... trying to make ends meet... we shouldn't judge!

damon said...

I will celebrate being added to the Peep Show at MY local dollar store!
There will be spiderman whistles and plastic spatulas for all!
(while supplies last, limit 1 per household, no rainchecks, spatula not actually real plastic.)

Lauren said...

That beach ball is tiiiight.

Nancy Face said...

I want some Champagne right now...and all I've got is a box of Kroger brand saltines. :(

Nancy Face said...

"When Will I See You Again" was my favorite song when I was twelve, back in the Civil War days.

Nancy Face said...

That little sub-compact car is all up in everybody's parking business. I just hate it when dinky vehicles get delusions of grandeur!

Nancy Face said...

This was all so funny...I loved it! By the way, there's a Busy Bee around mi casa that just loves honey! ;)

There! Now you have 30 comments!

on.the.run said...

I love the stripper angel series... do they have lap dance angel yet?

Rhonda said...

I'm so sending you some parking tickets for the next time you see some little compact car parked in 4spots. That's ridiculous! I have a Hummer and I manage to squeeze into one.

Rebecca said...

That angel is too funny! James' grandpa's second wife (Would that be step-grandma?) is a sweet, refined southern lady who collects angels. Don't you think a stripper angel would add so much to the collection?