Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Do You Have What It Takes To Join The Ranks Of The Fat Flap Espionage Elite?

Hello, my name is Elastic and I represent the FFC (Fat Flap Central). We're currently looking to recruit some of the finest fat flappers this country has to offer.
The Flapper movement has come a long way since its inception during the swinging 1920's era. See, back then our covert operatives spirited away top secret documents and other items of interest by concealing them within specially made compartments located under each fringey tier of their flapper dress.
Times have changed though, and to keep up, we've had to modernize our stable of Flapper spies. I guess you could say that we're bringing 'FLAPPY' back. Yeah!
So ask yourself this, do you listen to your "gut instinct?" Do you have a jiggly Jell-O fat roll? Is your belly a flippy, floppy flap of flub? Would you describe your abdominal area as a prominent protruding pouch of pooch? Then YOU have all the qualifications necessary to start an exciting new lucrative career with us!
Stop laying around letting your belly collect dust, lint, small objects, stray kittens and put your flab to work for us.
We will train you how to utilize your girth into becoming the perfect smuggling tool. You'll learn the finest techniques of stealing and then securing the sensitive information underneath the confines of your own gut.
Big baby bellies.....they're not just for hanging over the waist band of your pants anymore!
We'll also instruct you how to use the specialized technology afforded to us by the Ziploc plastic bag company so you don't ruin any of the classified documents with your blubbery sweat.
I've long since retired as a field agent but let me tell you I honed my fat flap concealment skills by sneaking individually wrapped packages of cream-filled Ding Dongs out of the kitchen. If I didn't have a built-in place to hide them then I would have had to contend with my kids pouncing on me and begging, "Mom can I have some of that, pleeeaaassse?"
Sure secret agents look all glamorized in the movies but we're 100 times more efficient than any Bond girl that ever walked the planet.
Think about it, Halle Berry or Denise Richards stroll in and all eyes immediately fixate on them. Meanwhile, people can't look away fast enough from us fat flappers .
It gives us the perfect cover to infiltrate where the stunningly beautiful can't.
We may be portly but we're still patriotic and we won't put up with any double agent activity.
I remember one especially fiendish double crossing operative who tried to play us for a fool. We caught her using her secrety belly roll to secretly smuggle out the secrets to Burger King's secret sauce. She had plans to sell it to the Chinese.
We took swift action to ensure that her Fat Flap spy days were over. Our in-house plastic surgeon gleefully performed a mega-tight tummy tuck on our Commie loving ex-agent. Yeah, that'll show her!
When I read about former Clinton National Security Advisor, Sandy Berger getting busted filching important documents from the National Archives by stuffing them inside his socks, all I could do was shake my head. What an amateur Sandy Berger is. If only he could have harnessed the hiding power that his belly flap had to offer.
We here at the FFC have dispensed with the cliche expression for keeping something a secret. 'Keep It Under Your Hat' has now become 'KEEP IT UNDER YOU FLAP!' Surely, this is a motto to live by......
So if you're interested in joining the FFC team we'll have recruiters out at all nationwide Krispy Kreme locations.

25 comments:

Rhonda said...

Finally! A use for this baby belly of mine. :)

FIRST! Wholly krap!

ELASTICWAISTBANDLADY said...

I'm doing the Flappy Dance for you, Rhonda!

ELASTICWAISTBANDLADY said...

Me and my Fat Flap will be out working for the remainder of the day. I'm a mild-mannered(most of the time) newspaper carrier by day and covert Fat Flap Agent by night!

Carrot Jello said...

Obviously, not many can relate. *sniff*
I'm a flapper, you're a flapper. Wouldn't you like to be a flapper too?

Alice said...

Yeah...I'm in. You notice you're not seeing any RECENT pics of me on my blog, right?

VE said...

I don't qualify as a flapper per say...but I could sponsor one.

Hey It's Di said...

Just when I was thinking this flap was useless and in the way! I am so in. This darn thing seems to get deeper all the time. I tell my kids not to get too close or they will get sucked into the black hole (belly button).

Lisa said...

I have the pooch. Always have, always will. Unless I get it cut off, which I would really like to do. So count me in, sista!

So, I think you could write stories about the secret FFC adventures. It would be the new Harry Potter, Twilight, or Charlie Bone. You're welcome.

Bee said...

::snicker:: VE wants to sponsor one!

Um, yeah. You had me at Krispy Kreme. I haven't had one of those in in about 3 years. They are so yum I had to stop myself from eating more than 2 in one sitting.

Only thing is I'm super camera shy. Hmmmmm...

Elizabeth-W said...

I just need a little clarification. My flap is below my belly button, and droops over my c/s scar (it covers it up so nicely--NO UNSIGHTLY SCAR!)
If it doesn't hang over your waistband, but under, can you still join?

nikko said...

One question. WHERE do you come up with this stuff? Do you just lay awake at night coming up with new acronyms???

Finally, a use for flab. Count me in. ;o)

Jami said...

I'm in. Tell me when and where the training is and I will be there!

Jill said...

Finally, I think I've found my calling.
Sign me up!

So, if you are caught using your fat for evil, is it standard procedure to be given a tummy tuck?

Because, apparently, insurance won't cover that sort of thing.


Why am I suddenly craving a Hostess Ding Dong?

Chell said...

Whenever I need a good laugh, I can be sure to tune into your blog and get one! So original Elastic!! :-)

Physcokity said...

Careful how much of that flappy dancing you do. You might lose the weight that helps to hold the secrety compartments shut! Then you might have to resort to saran wrap and duck tape... Heaven knows what a nightmare that is!

Thus my avatar! My status as a deep cover agent would have been compromised if my current picture were posted.

Any sizeable flap would do. I'd tell you how many I have, but then I'd have to kill you. Thus my rock star status in the underground network.

Tracy said...

I knew having all these babies would get me somewhere! The baby flap is in business! I'm in!

April said...

What about flappy and preggers... does that work... by the time my belly starts looking preggo my boobs will work for concealment as well!!!! YAY!

J-Mom said...

I think I'm a good candidate for this secret team. I have great flaps. Even great arm flaps, I might even find flying power with my flapping arms! I could be a flying fat flapper!

Nancy Face said...

Ding Dongs, yum yum! :D

Nancy Face said...

Did you say KRISPY KREME? :D

Millie said...

"Is your belly a flippy, floppy flap of flub?"

I think this is my most favorite EWL post ever. It's like you have a telescope looking right at my giant "apron."

Suburban Hippie said...

I have an extra-deep belly button that might be useful for hiding microfilm.

Jean Knee said...

uhhhm. would ass fat work too? If so I'm in

Anna Maria Junus said...

With the size of mine I could smuggle a couch.

There's a price to pay for having seven kids.

aubrey said...

mm krispy kreme. i can't help ya out in the flapper department but i can definitely be of use with my empty bra. i can hide ALL kinds of stuff in there. lemons, grapefruits, ding dongs, the list is endless.