Thursday, July 17, 2008

I Perish The Thought Of Ever Hearing My Papi Whistling, "Man! I Feel Like A Woman!"

I've known my sexy-Mexi husband, Papi, since I was still a bright-eyed teenager brimming with equal parts vim, vigor, and stupidity. Fine, it wasn't really equal parts. The stupidity/naivete portion comprised at least half of my teen-aged being on any given day. Occasionally, I'd hit that full 100 percent stupidity mark.

Yay for being 100 percent perfect at something!

Papi-a recently-immigrated Mexican National and recent return missionary-decided that he wanted to find that special someone who believed in the idea that marriage should comprise teamwork and partnership. (Apparently his dating history involved a lot of spoiled Mexican-American Princesses)

Not to worry, this story isn't going to turn into a third-rate romance novel cover that reads something like....."He was a bronzed, uptight immigrant-with a chest like a hairless chihuahua-out looking for love, adventure, and authentic chimichangas in a foreign land. She was a flaxen-haired Goofball Goddess in overalls whose proudest moment in life was finally realized when she mastered the hand motions to M.C. Hammer's, '2 Legit To 2 Quit.' Through a series of hilarity and hijinks plus one positive pregnancy test, fate will conspire to bond them through the eternities....."

Basically, Papi confided that he chose me as his betrothed because I was the only white chick he had ever met who didn't mind working 2 manual labor jobs while attending school at the same time. He also said something about me being a hard worker "just like a burro." I've tried to make his sweet words sweeter by blocking out that uncalled for donkey comparison.

To that point I hadn't found anyone willing to laugh at the myriad of weird things I frequently blurted out. When Papi acted as my own personal Comedy Club audience, I knew he was the one for me. Nevermind the fact that while Papi did speak perfect English, he didn't quite understand the nuances of American humor- he was only chuckling because he reasoned it was the polite thing to do instead of saying, "Huh? I don't get it. Are you on crack or something?" I really thought that "Pull My Finger!" transcended all languages and cultures. Sad.

It turns out that no matter how hard-working or astoundingly fertile or personable I am, I'm still lacking in the domestic skills category. If Papi had made a Perfect Wife Checklist prior to getting married, I wouldn't have fared too well:
Cook- Ummm, well, that is my mom's maiden name...soooooo....I guess, technically, yes?
Clean- I mastered the art of wiping and that's about it.
Iron- Heck Yes! I take 2 tablets every day!
Vacuum- Only for emergency liposuction, roach carcass disposal, and finding lost earrings.
Sew- A needle-pulling thread? La....a note to follow sew?
Knit- No, I'm lice-free and nit-free, thanks.
Scrapbooking- Well, I once did that Slam Book thing in Junior High. It made a girl cry inconsolably. Does that count?

Luckily, Papi excels in all the areas where I'm deficient. He's my personal Iron Man. For reals, y'all. He's as delicate with my silks as he is steamy with my cotton-blends.

Sometimes, Papi's long-hidden talents rises to the surface after lying dormant for so many years.

Our daughter, Caterpillar, recently attended a Church Activity with other girls and they learned how to knit. Yeah, they be turning my daughter into a knitta. Maybe she can one day join Knittas, Please!, H-Town's premiere knitting gang.

Anyway, I didn't have a clue as to how to help Caterpillar finish her knitting project at home. I suffer from acute Yarnophobia- so I have a legitimate excuse. Naturally, Papi stepped in and wowed us all with his nimble fingers and knitty know-how. *le sigh* Is there nothing that man of mine can't do?

Whenever I think about our future together I get this vision in my mind of a stark role reversal. In it, I'm sitting around on our front porch swing in my dungarees, smoking a (bubble) pipe and scratching at the wiry old people-hairs on my chin. My grand-children will all congregate at my feet, begging for me to tell them another story about when I was a young whippersnapper. I'll instead take out my false teeth and wave them about as an instrument of terror while chasing my screaming progeny. Papi will look resplendent in his calico apron. He'll content himself with silently watching us from his rocking chair-a bemused smile etched upon his weathered face as he lovingly knits me a pair of legwarmers so I can show our grand-kids how to shake it like that chick in Flashdance.

I have seen the future. And it is good.

40 comments:

123checkoutthefamily said...

hahaha....that's hilarious! I hear you...my husband is pretty talented in his guy stuff and in the domestic stuff. He's quite the cook. I have learned to appreciate it instead of being intimidated like I was at first.

Lisa said...

As I read your future, I was thinking, "That doesn't sound bad!" And then you agreed! It sounds like a match made in paradise!! Yay for Papi's skills!!

Lisa said...

Can H-town be called paradise?

Lisa said...

I once held an activity where we had knitting lessons. Yeah, there was no help coming from me, either.

But I can roll you a really big ball of yarn!

Stephanie and Co. said...

Holy funny! I do as you do in the iron department. Heck yes!

Jami said...

What a sweet love story. You two did good.

Yeah, I'm not exactly a domestic goddess myself. Although I can cook. But not in the heat. A person can live on ice cream for months, can't they?

Alice said...

You had me laughing out loud at the 'burro' comparison.

I'm thinking we should start hanging out more. Babycakes had a whole bag of cross-stitch and string art when we got married. And shhhhh, but he also did water ballet in his youth. HAHAHAHAAA....

But I'll say this. The guys in touch with their feminine sides make pretty darned good husbands.

Physcokity said...

100 percent stupidity...is that anything like 100 percent humidity?

Physcokity said...

whose proudest moment in life was finally realized when she mastered the hand motions to M.C. Hammer's, '2 Legit To 2 Quit.'

Yeah I still have trouble with that one ;)

hellesbelles86 said...

Oh crap LOL! For my hubby, he got someone who could cook and do the martha stewarty crap, but I am not so much a cleaner... Not so much. Hey I have a bracelet all set to send to you and only lack an address so..... if you send me an email at littlesongbird17@yahoo.com I'd love to get it heading your direction.

Bee said...

The hubs, he won't let ME fold his clothes. Before out washer went kaput, he did the laundry. He also does the grocery shopping so that's pretty cool since I hate doing it.

glittersmama said...

I love the image of Papi in a calico apron knitting up a storm!

J-Mom said...

There are a lot worse things to be called that go along with the burro. They all kind of lack that romance though.

Laughed along with your skills. I'm still not sure why they make irons. They've invented material that doesn't wrinkle. Now they need to start on material that doesn't wrinkle after it's spent days at the bottom of the laundry basket.

Papi's amazing, and it looks like your future is too:)

Alice Wills Gold said...

Oh my heck..this was a much needed laugh.

It is amazing how us hard working girls can marry such softer side men, or is it?

Loving the image on the porch.

Hey It's Di said...

I'm swearing I must have definitely had (still have) the 100% stupidity because I am no domestic goddess (not even close) and I DIDN'T marry a man who could help with that. Just not his thing.

OK, I take that back. I have seen him sporting my sunflower apron while cooking a time or two. I think I snapped a pic for proof.

He complimented you with the Burro remark. I think my husband has called me an A** in a heated moment:) *sigh!

Elizabeth-W said...

I don't think I have ever heard you speak (write) an ill word about Papi, and I adore/admire you for that. Truly.

Mindi said...

your man and my man should get together so that other men may worship and learn.

plus, i'd get along with him since i am 1/16th mexi myself. been working that angle my whole life!

you make me snort. which is a good thing. mostly

jams o donnell said...

I am enchanted EWBL the story of eht waistbalnd lady and her sexy mexi is one that derseves to be told down teh ages!

Lori said...

LOL I wish I had your way with words girl! My hubby is alot like yours in that he's in touch with his feminine side too. hehe My hubby claims he's 73% woman. lol I LIKE IT! ;P

And LMAO at the little paragraph under your "Leave your comment"..hehe

nikko said...

Your Papi knits? That's awesome!

Hilary said...

Too funny. How about your kidlets? Are their strengths like yours or hubby's.. or a bit of both?

Jean Knee said...

oh what an awesome story of true love and knitting.

I swear a tear ran down my cheek.

Annie said...

This is one for the portfolio!

No Cool Story said...

Knittas, Please.

I love it when a plan comes together!

JustRandi said...

Hey, does he take orders? I could use some angora socks.

Millie said...

Wow, so is knitting his new career?? Say "yes."

Mad Libs Monday

Millie said...

"I really thought that "Pull My Finger!" transcended all languages and cultures" was my favorite.

Jay said...

Awww ...! That is just so sweet!

My husband is pretty good in the cleaning department, but he doesn't do the cooking thing! Pity, cos neither do I ...

Mad Libs Millie said...

Ahem, you haven't called me yet. I believe I left sufficiently explicit instructions.

(I said "sufficiently explicit")

Get off your lily-white duff and call me before I sic the Hoobs on you. They're dang annoying so I'd be getting on with it.

Memarie Lane said...

Now I know your mom's maiden name, I can totally hack into all your shizzle! Mwahahahaha!

Manager Mom said...

I am definitely in the club of bad homekeepery. I am not *skilled* in the domestic arts...

Lauren said...

"like a burro"! he must LOVE you! No seriously, that was the funniest thing I read.

BTW, you are 100% Teh Awesome!

aubrey said...

i tell people that paul is my wife. he does the costco trips for me and runs errands that i would rather not take my two children on. i know, you think i'm a sissy, cuz i'm complaining about two kids. but it's just nice having paul around.

Nancy Face said...

Hahaha, I'm still cracking up at the DON-KAY comparison! :D

Nancy Face said...

I've had lice before. True story.

Nancy Face said...

My cleaning habits are strangely similar to yours! :0

Suburban Hippie said...

Yay for men with balls (of yarn). I love your marriage... so fun!

Geosomin said...

This is sweet :)

blue3lf said...

Woah! You're LDS? That kicks ass!

I think I stumbled across this blog when I was trying to learn more about twilight.
I started reading it again today and haven't stopped laughing.
But it makes it that much better to find out that I share the same religion as someone I don't even know! Cool beans (black, refried, pinto, etc.)

[inserts your nachos through the internets]

blue3lf said...

Laughing at your blog I mean.