Friday, October 24, 2008

Hey, I Wear The Pants In This Family Too......Even If They Are Crotchless

It's finally happened. Temperatures dropped in Houston out of the sweltering 90 degree range down to a brisk and happy 56 degrees.
I am so ready to give my saturated butt sweat towel a final ceremony to properly celebrate the closing of butt sweat season.
So, my usual boudoir ensemble features the very titillating delights of my all-cotton elastic waist band shorts.
They have bleach spots on them and the drawstring hangs disproportionately longer out of one side.
I hate that.
Whenever I make a midnight potty run that stupid string always dangles down, brushing against my leg and sending me into full scale panic attack.
See, my not yet fully conscious morning mind registers it as a cockroach that's decided to stealthily stake claim on the Infidel Southern Territories that include Mt. Hairy Knee and the Temple Of The Fatted Calf (Calves). And then I start screaming and slapping at the imaginary insect foe. Every time.
Anyway, cooler weather means cooler nights which means that it's time to break out my slinky bedroom winter gear.
You should see my sexy sockwear and matching thermal nightshirt. It's hawt.
So, I don't know how this tragedy befell me but, my favoritest sweatpants in the whole world went into closet storage with a minor hole smack in the crotchal seams and now, just a few months later, the hole has metastasized into the circumference of a personal pan pizza.
That's an ad slogan that will never be used by Pizza Hut.
"Our personal pan pizzas are as large as the hole in the crotch of your sweatpants!"
I put them on anyway figuring that as long as I acted all ladylike and stuff and kept my legs closed, nobody was going to notice the gaping gulch.
Unfortunately I can't watch TV without sprawling about, treating the bed like I'm in stirrups on the Gynecologist's exam table.
I'm terribly uncouth in the confines of my own home.
Well, my man Papi came wandering into the room and was immediately smitten by my racy new evening wear and its innovative "ventilation" system.
Yes indeed, the wonder of crotchless sweatpants combine all the warmth and comfort you've come to expect from your sweats while also showing off your secrety slutty side.
Crotchless Sweatpants: Redneck Lingerie At Its Finest!

The exclusive Crotchless Sweatpants line can be found at all Lurlene's Secret stores or at fine Billy Bob's Of Dollywood retailers everywhere.

31 comments:

Stephanie and Co. said...

Ohhhooo! I have found my perfect Halloween costume. I'm going as you and wearing crotchless sweatpants. I have a pair already! (This is meant to be flattering, not insulting.)

Chell said...

Bahaahahaha! Thats so funny! I probably shouldnt say this, but thanks for sharing!! :)

Youngblood4ever said...

Heeheehee! Funny how unintentionally we turn our husbands on, huh?

Physcokity said...

Are you taking orders? b/c I prefer custom made pieces not the mass distributed stuff ;)

Nancy Face said...

I can just picture you, slapping your cockroach! :D

Nancy Face said...

I finally got rid of my hot pink spandex workout capris with the hole in the crotch...my family was traumatized when I did leg lifts.

Melissa said...

Hmmm... please don't ever sell a pair of these to Miss Lohan or Miss Spears. The world just doesn't need any more of that...

Heffalump said...

You could market them as lingerie you can also use during childbirth, with you from conception until delivery...

eve cleveland said...

GIRL,
You really tickle me! I tell you what...them sweat pants is broke in just now to comfortable. And guess what. No. I is from Houston!
It's a case a that kismet...
Eve

Annie said...

"the Infidel Southern Territories"

It's stuff like this that makes you awesome.

J-Mom said...

Thanks for more laughter!

Carrot Jello said...

Crotchless sweatpants aside, yes, let's put those aside shall we?
I love your little blog update on your sidebar. I come here everyday to see who has updated their blog. I should pay you for this service, but- hey, what are friends for, right?

Summer said...

I checked Lurlene's. They're fresh out of the pants. I left with some Cheez-Wiz body paint as a consolation buy, but I'll be back.

Elizabeth-W said...

Lurlene? Lurlene?!
There used to be a clothing store in NM titled Ample Duds.
I think people named Lurlene shop at places named Ample Duds.

Stacey said...

I went to Lurlene's the other day and they were out of crotchless sweatpants. I had to settle for the bra with the underwire sticking out the top. Oh well,maybe next time.

nikko said...

Can't type... Laughing too hard...

What are you doing in my closet, anywho??

Hilary said...

That was hilarious. I may never eat at Pizza Hut again.

Hey It's Di said...

Awwww Man! I hate it when I get laughing at your post and then I snort! I REALLY AM a redneck! My "holey" sweats/nightwear is my favorite. I don't have a hole in the crotch yet but after this I'm gonna make sure I have one:)

Sketchy said...

I can't get passed the revelation that in your own home you behave in an uncouth manner. Really, I'm stunned. I'll have to come back and comment later.

Palm Springs Savant said...

Hee hee good post today. That string thing got me before too

Memarie Lane said...

i guess you're not going to tell us if you were wearing underwear.

Jean Knee said...

you put the S in SEXY, infidel.

what up yo? it's still hot here

not as sweltering but still hot

b. said...

Lurlene makes me laugh...it just sounds funny...the trailer trash picture it paints in your head is universal, no?

Jay said...

"That's an ad slogan that will never be used by Pizza Hut.
"Our personal pan pizzas are as large as the hole in the crotch of your sweatpants!""

LOL! But I don't think I'll be ordering those any time soon. My sons have a habit of popping in unannouced and I don't want to scar them for life!

Momma Trish said...

Found you through Good Mom/Bad Mom. Your post made me snort!!

Rhea said...

I'm sold...comfy lounge wear that showcase my secret slutty side. You're a genius! haha

Found you through Good Mom/Bad Mom. Hilarious post!!

Tracy said...

I had that same thing happen to me once too!
We were getting ready for our trip to my FIL's in Arizona and I packed my favoritest, most comfiest pj pants in the suitcase with a teeny tiny little hole in the seem of the butt. Then when we got there and I put them on, the hole had grown to where my whole bubbly butt stuck out! I thought I could cover it up with a long t-shirt but it turns out that I didn't because when I walked in and sat down, my FIL's eyes almost popped out of his head!
My advice to you, great infidel, is to wear your comfy, sexy, slut sweats at home ONLY!! Not everyone needs to see them! Trust me!

Cock Suckers United said...

We know you have an unlicensed cock sucker in your possession. We suspect that "Millie" character may also have one.

Unite and we can all suck our cocks together!

Suburban Hippie said...

Hey... I have a pair just like that. I keep meaning to throw them away before I forget about the hole one morning and go somewhere in them after I drop the kids off at school.

jams o donnell said...

Wow EWBL I think you have another great product here. Again I'm sure the not-wife and I would be delighted to take on the UK franchise!

Plunger Girl said...

LMAO

I salute you Fellow Crotchless Pants Wearer.