Monday, November 03, 2008

Even More Things That My Mother Taught Me......

My mother, the all-knowing, all-seeing font of feminine hygiene wisdom, once instructed me to always make sure that I dry myself off completely "down there" after taking a shower or bath. She said that doing otherwise would leave the area open to mold, fungus and the possibility of mushroom growth.

It's not true. Don't ask me to divulge all the nitty gritty details of my towel-less escapades, just know that it's not true. That should be good enough for you. And thank the Merciful Overlords Of The Fungus Kingdom that it's not true either because if it was you'd be looking for a Gynecologist who also holds a degree in Agricultural Studies. And can you even imagine the tragedy that would befall you if you unwittingly stumbled right into the middle of a stampeding herd of specially trained truffle-sniffing hogs and you got trapped there?

No, my friends (MY FRIENDS??!!? WTF? Am I turning into John McCain?!!?) you probably don't want to sully your pristine towel by applying it to your nether regions, and that's perfectly okay. The laws of nature won't punish you for it.

*This goes a long way towards explaining why I hated mushrooms as a child. I also felt pity for those poor little Smurfs, forced to live inside a whole stenchy village constructed of nothing but slimy butt mushrooms.*

39 comments:

ELASTICWAISTBANDLADY said...

Not coincidentally this topic has been on my mind because I'm about to go to the OB/GYN in a few minutes for the first time in almost 3 years.

I'm dreading it.

At least my Doctor is like a cute little gay leprechaun (His name is even Patrick!) and he has the smallest hands I've ever seen. That certainly helps.

ELASTICWAISTBANDLADY said...

There's a picture of me when I was 4 wearing a hideous brown dress with even more hideous orange/yellow/tan mushrooms all over it.

I'll never forget the kitchen we had until i was about 9. It was a complete mushroom motif with mushroom canisters, mushroom wallpapers, and mushrrom pictures.

I think that people in the 70's might have been handling a few magical "shrooms" too many and it stuck with them.

J-Mom said...

LOL---your leprechaun OBGYN. I would definitely put off going to the wonderful OBGYN more often if they didn't hold that birth control over my head. I need my annual prescription, so they got me every year!

Thanks for the image of HOOHa mushrooms!

Annette Lyon said...

Now I've got this horrid mushrom mental image I won't be able to shake all day. Thanks for that. :)

nora.lakehurst said...

OK good thing your OBGYN has small hands. Mine had the hands of a Basketball star. Man alive. And LOL on the whole fungus thing. I am glad it wasn't true. There were times when I was on the swim team and didn't completely get all dried down there all the time.
You so funny....

omar said...

I want a towel like that!

aubrey said...

i am opposed to men gynos. WHY are there men gynos? come on? i know they KNOW that area, but they don't REALLY know that area better than women who HAVE that area. anyway. small handed leprechaun or not, i disagree with the man gyno.

Jean Knee said...

so where do you think my butt mushrooms came from?

Chris Wood said...

I need to get one of those towels!

Love the colour scheme on it ...

Suzanne said...

And I didn't think I was going to learn anything new today! :D

Mad Libs Millie said...

I have to go to the OBGYN tomorrow! Thanks for reminding me.

Let's hear it for small-handed doctors. I remember pointing this out about my doctor, to my friend Coz, who has never let me forget it and has called him "Dr. Smallhands" ever since. There are just some things you don't say to Coz.

Mad Libs Millie said...

P.S. I like male gynos better than female. I'm totally OK with a man "going there," but a woman? HANDS OFF SISTER!!!!

Stacey said...

Wow,that towel just says,"class" doesn't it? Couldn't you see it hanging in some elegant home?

A leprechaun gyno huh? Is he always after your lucky charms? :P

jay said...

LOL! Reminds me of a few dubious pieces of 'healthcare information' my mother gave me when I was a kid.

I don't think any of those were true, either!

Butt mushrooms! ROFL!

Yvonne said...

I'm leaving the mushrooms out of my dinner tonight!!!

(Do love that towel ; )

Suburban Hippie said...

You can get bacterial infections if you stay wet... like at the pool. Technically mushrooms and yeast of both fungi but you won't get a mushroom growing down there. Yeast is part of your normal flora but sometimes it grows out of control and that is when people get yeast infections. There are other pretty nasty fungal infections that you can get anywhere on your body but that is info for another day.

joanna said...

This is why I use a blow dryer "down there" after my shower. Not only am I dry, but my "nether-regions hair-do" has a nice fluff afterwards. . . JUST JOKING. But really, I do use a blow dryer.

Klin said...

Well . . . you had me at WTF! Does the F stand for Fart? It does around here.

I need that towel for a certain child of mine; who shall remain nameless.

Mindi said...

oh. my. GOSH.

you and i must share the same brain--i just finished writing about the fact that i just went to the gyno today after putting it off for THREE YEARS!!

FOR REAL.

i have a healthy fear of him doing stuff down there.

that towel is THE BEST.

Hey It's Di said...

That's why I stop in here Elastic. A little down home education at it's finest! I swear I will never look at a mushroom the same! OH, I will still eat them but thoughts will come into my head:)

J-Mom said...

I love coming and reading all your comments, you get the greatest comments! Your posts always crack me up, then the comments crack me up again!

Thanks to all!

Nancy Face said...

"...thank the Merciful Overlords Of The Fungus Kingdom that it's not true either because if it was you'd be looking for a Gynecologist who also holds a degree in Agricultural Studies."

Hahaha, SOOO funny! :D

Nancy Face said...

Somebody in the Face house could sure use one of those towels! ;)

Jillybean said...

I have a bathrobe.

butt towels across America said...

We approve!!

VE said...

You can't put feminine hygiene in the first sentence of a post...the guys are running away...running away...

Bee said...

I never dry my face with a towel because I break out faster than you can say zit.

Also, I had chicken a-la king for lunch liberally sprinkled with mushrooms. My nausea thanks you.

Kirsten said...

I never realized that this could happen!! I will now always remember to de-mushroom myself every day. Thanks! :)

wynne said...

Dear John,

Too bad about the election. And why are YOU worrying about fungus growth "down there"? You're a man, after all, and have less troubling crevices to care for. Palin, now...you might want to warn her, but I can't imagine you doing so without causing a scandal. Better leave it alone.

Geosomin said...

Mushrooms huh?
I was always warned about drying my feet last in gym...apparently the coach had spread athlete's foot to his...um...lucky charms once and it was not something we would want to repeat. Yeah. I know. I still dry my feet last.
My mum was a nurse...she just ranted on about the wonders of soap...she never mentioned shrooms...

nora.lakehurst said...

Hey sorry about that privacy thing. I had to. I think after this debate people will be hunting me down to get me. I said some things about both of the canidates. So good times. Anyways so here is my email its mostly JUNK so make sure you do something I know that its you.
sethkarlasouthern@msn.com

Pamela said...

How did I ever make it to age 31, sans girlyparts shrooms, without you?

Elizabeth-W said...

Joanna, were we separated at birth? I'm also a blow dry-er down south. I thought I was the only one on the planet.
I have never seen a male ob/gyn. Only girls. Small hands.

Amber said...

Ahhhh yes but those Smurfs were HAPPY living in Fungastown. We could all live by their example.

:-)

jams o donnell said...

What a towel EWBL. No longer will I have to put my butt out the window to dry it!

Millie said...

Jams, that was YOU???

"slimy butt mushrooms" would be an awesome Mad Libs phrase... if you were so inclined.

Physcokity said...

Dang! I actually started to think your mom was on to something there, especially with the mushrooms I always wondered why I had such an inexplicable aversion to them...

Physcokity said...

I think Jay & Stacy probably made me laugh hardest...Jams did pretty well too. I love the posts and the comments over here...

Rebecca said...

I completely lost if after the "specially trained truffle-sniffing hogs"!

Thanks for making me almost cough up a lung!

Hahahahaha...can't stop thinking about it!