Monday, November 24, 2008

The Smiling Infidel Has Dirty Fans

It's true. My fans are dirtier than your fans.
Say it with me: How dirty are they?
Oh, very dirty. Very, very dirty.
Dirtier than dirty rice on a dirty floor, dirty.
Until last Friday my ceiling fans were so filthy stinkin dirty that when the oldest Infidel daughter voluntarily cleaned them, the youngest Infidel daughter, Melody looked up with her eyes wide in sheer wonderment as she exclaimed, "Wow! You shaved the gray beard off the fan!!!"
Yes, perhaps I can knit everyone on my Christmas list a nice Nordic-patterned loincloth and matching legwarmers out of the extraordinarily thick and wooly fan dust we collected.
I'm better at making up creative stories than I am at cleaning.
Don't get me wrong, I'm totally grateful to my daughter for braving the dust bunny army marching across the fan blades but it's not like I didn't already have an embellished cover story concocted to explain it away to family coming to our house for the holidays.
I was simply going to tell them that fluffy ceiling fans from the Fuzzy Wuzzy Fan Company are all the rage among the fashionable set in Europe.
Or that I'm a pioneer in the homegrown Gray Toupee business.........or that I'm decorating my whole house in a dingy shade of gray and I color-coordinated the fans first to match everything.
If that fails I suppose I could sprinkle some star-shaped glitter into the piles of dust and sell it at the Flea Market as genuine Stardust.
See, in the time spent writing this post I could have been making money with my vast collection of fan dust.
You should be paying me for my valuable time that I spend here instead of cleaning.

22 comments:

Melessa said...

Aw Man! All I did with my ceiling fan dust was toss the clumps and vacuum the dust. And I need some extra sources of Christmas presents this year.
(Was last week 'clean your ceiling fans' week? Because I did that too and it had likely been a year since I last touched them. Ew!)

Nancy Face said...

You crack me up! (No, I'm not talking about booty crack.) No one but you could come up with a story like this! :D

Nancy Face said...

You're wrong about one thing: my fans have GOT to be dirtier than yours were before the oldest Infidel daughter got to them! It can be cold in the room, but I turn the fan on anyway to try and hide the fuzz! (My dust bunnies have dust bunnies.)

nora.lakehurst said...

Oh you messed up the purty gray beard. You didnt even ask the fan if he wanted it removed did ya??? What if he liked it?? OH well such is life. I bet he likes being shaven anyways. DO YAY great times.

ELASTICWAISTBANDLADY said...

I didn't actually "come up" with this story Nancy. I'm living it. Life With Dirty Fans can get irritating and sneezy at times, but that's just how we roll.

I did edit what Melody said because Sunbum read the post and told me that Melody replied to her with the gray beard remark not the gray wool comment like what I thought when I first wrote it. It's fixed to show the change which actually is even funnier.
I was in the other room and only got the conversation secondhand hence the first draft error. :)

Hey It's Di said...

I like to spend a lot of time making up excuses (or stories) as to why my house is in disarray. I could actually have the whole house spotless clean in the time I spend on stories:)

I usually only clean my fans when chunks of gray matter start getting in my eyeballs!!

Lisa said...

Sadly, I have dirty fans, too. In fact, mine are not the ceiling type and are at arm level and they are still dirty. A-choo!

Annie said...

Don't think that my love for you is as intermittent as my comments.

Suburban Hippie said...

I hate dusting... the dust just comes right back after you wipe it off. You pretty much have to wait for stuff to grow a grey beard to feel like you accomplished anything by dusting.

Heffalump said...

We run a home for wayward Daddy Longlegs...so we can't possibly take all those cobwebs down from the corners!

Stacey said...

Sadly,the dust bunnies always return. I wait to clean things until they are really dusty because then I feel like I've accomplished something big.

Stacey said...

At least that is what I tell myself.

Jean Knee said...

hey girlie, send me the star dust and I'll sell it on etsy for a 50/50 cut.

JustRandi said...

Dusting is a losing battle. I gave up a few years ago.

J-Mom said...

You can look at my dust, you can even touch my dust, just please don't write in my dust.

Every year the heat starts to diminish and my ceiling fans are turned off and I realize again, I need to clean those things!!!! Maybe I'll actually get around to it?

wynne said...

Glitter. I really like the idea of adding glitter to your fan dust. Perhaps you could even style it a little with some hairspray and a blow dryer on a low setting...just think! You could have Don King-like fan dust! With glitter in it!

aubrey said...

nordic-patterned loincloth..hee hee. can you just make one anyway and post it, just so i can see what it looks like.

Physcokity said...

Well at least your dust bunnies don't dive bomb you when you turn on the fan...or did they?

Maybe that's why the oldest infidel daughter ran them out of town Swiffer style?

Who should I make the check out to? ;)

Chell said...

Hee hee..I thought I was the only one with dirty fans! The only time I ever seem to remember to clean them is when Im lying in bed, staring at the ceiling and seeing the fan. I think to myself, "Hey, you should clean that fan sometime" Hence, I then fall asleep, and all thoughts of cleaning are gone when I awake! :)

Hilary said...

I don't have fans, but my overhead light fixtures could use your daughter's touch.

Nancy Face said...

After this post I couldn't help but notice my hideous fans as the called out to me, "Clean me!"

So I cleaned them. Dang, it's all your fault. ;)

Rebecca said...

My Dirty Fan wants to fight your Dirty Fan.

I'd bet mine would win.

I haven't cleaned it yet this year, because I thought Santa might want a bit of a change to his beard color. By Christmas the fan beard should be long enough for a color enhancement!

Hey, I'm back on your sidebar! *faints with extreme joy*