Tuesday, November 11, 2008

What Not To Say When Meeting Someone For The First Time

I had a chance encounter with THIS super nice lady and fellow blogger on Saturday night. The conversation went as follows:

Smiley Sarah Extends Her Hand: "Hi, how are you doing? It's so nice to finally meet you."

Ridiculously Lame Elastic Holds Out Her Hand And Says: "Uhhhhhh, hi. I've got GAS all over my hands."
(It was true. I had just won a hard-fought battle with my petroleum-soaked gas cap at the filling station.)

Smiley Sarah Turns Complimentary: "I read your blog all the time!"

Insecure Elastic Looks Down At Her Feet And Mumbles: "Oh, really?"
(I'm kind of a rogue Mormon convert. I never know when a fellow Church member comments that they read my blog if it's a bad thing or a good thing.)

So there it is, people. I'm the Queen of Painfully Awkward Conversations.
Do you have too many friends and acquaintances? Are they burdening you and soaking up too much of your valuable free time? Do you just want to rid yourself of all human contact so you can live a hermitary life of extreme isolation?
Just call me---->elasticwaistbandlady<----and I'll show you my proven 12 point plan for alienating people by using the most modern tools available in the field of Non-Communication Communications.
I've carefully studied all the most famous unintelligible conversationalists in pop culture history to devise my unique system of driving all humanity as far away from you as possible.
The panel of experts include: That "Wah-Wah-Wah-Wah" teacher from Peanuts, Boomhauer from King Of The Hill, and the aptly named Mushmouth who rose to meteoric fame on the Fat Albert cartoon series.
I'm a prime example of what happens when the written word beats the tarnation out of the spoken word...........and leaves it struggling for breath on the side of the road.

35 comments:

Sarah Keating Livingston said...

WooHoo! A shout out!! You are so crazy. I consider you a celebrity and was thrilled to meet you! I sat by your family on Sunday. Your children are wonderful. I am feeling like a hermit myself today, but if you ever want to do something else painfully social I'm in!

Stephanie and Co. said...

Love that Wah-wah lady. She pretty much sums up my depth of conversation these days.

Melessa said...

"I'm kind of a rogue Mormon convert. I never know when a fellow Church member comments that they read my blog if it's a bad thing or a good thing."

Amen to that! And the way I watch my blog get added and then dropped from LDS blogrolls has not done much to help me with my insecurity. Nonetheless, I have a strong testimony and you all are stuck with me. ;)

Melessa said...

"I'm kind of a rogue Mormon convert. I never know when a fellow Church member comments that they read my blog if it's a bad thing or a good thing."

Amen to that! And the way I watch my blog get added and then dropped from LDS blogrolls has not done much to help me with my insecurity. Nonetheless, I have a strong testimony and you all are stuck with me. ;)

Melessa said...

Sorry for the double comment, it won't let me delete it or I would. (What an awkward way to de-lurk. Appropriate, eh?)

rusty said...

Hah, you aren't kidding, I love the internetz...

Rhonda said...

Please sign me up for your program! Does it work on coworkers and door-to-door solicitors?

Millie said...

Those of us who love you don't care how "socially awkward" you think you are or if you commit the occasional conversational gaffe.

Some of us have even seen you in the buff, and yet we keep coming back for more. Hmmmmm.

Hilary said...

Aww I know that feeling. Unfortunately there's no delete key on the spoken word. Blogging and email are so much easier.

I think I had more to say, but I'm distracted by that green toilet above this comment.

Millie said...

Hilary, you are getting very sleepy.... look into my bowl.... you feel very relaaaaaaaaxed....

Kate said...

I've graduated from a similar program in alienating people. I can't seem to stop my mouth from saying what I'm actually thinking. Makes my time sitting at my son's baseball games really interesting. My close friends have huge laughs while I put the "snooty moms" right in there place while simultaneously smiling and making them want to be my dearest friend. Comedy in action.

Your way is good too ;)

Mindi said...

been THERE. done THAT.

when the lady who i grew up with came up to me at the movie theater and said that she read my blog all the time, the first thing i said to her was, "i'm sorry for putting anything with the word "douche bag" (yeah. my finest moment) on. did you read the swear word? i hope not."
so lame.

Hilary said...

Millie, I feel.. so.. flushed!

Klin said...

Whaaaaat?! You're a rogue? What does that make me?

I wuv you, even if the spoken word is not as well versed as the written word.

Suburban Hippie said...

The fact that that conversation doesn't seem at all weird to me is evidence of the fact that I REALLY am far more awkward than you.

I could relate a few that would make your toe hairs curl. Tact isn't a family trait for my gang.

J-Mom said...

I feel the same awkwardness whether I'm speaking or writing. I think I'm much more used to putting my foot in my mouth or forgetting to filter comments when I talk, obviously because I talk too much!

Yvonne said...

I would never call you the "Queen of Painfully Awkward Conversations"--when I met you I thought you were so wonderful. I was so nervous and you made me feel right at ease.

And, as a fellow Church member--for me it's a good thing ; )

Elizabeth-W said...

I've heard through the grapevine you're the life of the party.....:D

Sketchy said...

This usually happens to me with family, when they comment they've been reading my blog I think "did I say anything bad about them recently?????"

Of course I just recently let people at church know I have a blog, so I will probably have to deal with them pretty soon.

What in the world will I blog about NOW????

Jean Knee said...

aww, Infidel. Remember how lame I was the first time we talked on the phone and now we just jabber on about nothing? What if we'd stopped at that first call?

I usually say inappropriate things when first meeting someone.

Nancy Face said...

I'm jealous of Smiley Sarah...I wish it was ME who had met you! But I probably would have grabbed you and given you a big hug and scared the caca right out of you. How's THAT for awkward?

I rather enjoy the smell of gasoline.

Sister Pottymouth said...

You must be a kindred spirit. But I seem to be able to do the same thing with blog comments, though. Huh.

My dream is to someday meet you in person...to shake hands with someone who says, "Uhhhh, hi. I've got GAS all over my hands" would really be something.

Physcokity said...

"I'm a prime example of what happens when the written word beats the tarnation out of the spoken word...........and leaves it struggling for breath on the side of the road."

Pretty sure I'm approaching that stage quite a bit faster than I probably should. I don't think it helps that I write and read waay more than I talk to people throughout the day. Sometimes I wonder if I can even make intelligible conversation.

Could I take the course and then go on tour teaching others and we'll split the proceeds? we can go 60/40...you obviously get more, but I'm negotiable ;)

Physcokity said...

Oh and p to the s if we ever meet IRL don't worry I don't think less of you for having read your blog. I ♥ it and you!

Physcokity said...

"I've graduated from a similar program in alienating people. I can't seem to stop my mouth from saying what I'm actually thinking."

kate i'm just the reverse I don't ever speak really I just save all my witty snarky remarks for the blog...

ELASTICWAISTBANDLADY said...

Sarah- A celebrity? Really? Maybe I could turn "Hey, I've got gas on my hands" into my signature catch phrase.

Okay, I've been working non-stop in the freakin rain and fog for two days straight. And yay for me, I picked up yet another job last week.....because you know, it's not like I had enought o do to occupy my time.

Thanks for the comments even though I'm a terrible comment reciprocator. I'm glad that you guys don't play the comment tit-for-tat game like a lot of other bloggers play. Well, of course, I don't do that childish, immature thing......much.

ELASTICWAISTBANDLADY said...

If I ever get the chance to meet some of you that I haven't already met, I promise to have clean hands. Elastic Guarantee.

Nancy: I did really good this summer. I'm a big Hug-A-Phobe, but at the Bloggy Party I not only allowed myself to be hugged, but I also initiated hugging action. Tis true.
That's progress.

Youngblood4ever said...

You must have been the person I talked to on the phone the other day...heehee.

joanna said...

Even if you're not a rogue Mormon convert, it can be hard to make friends in the church -- for us, anyway. The first 2-3 years of marriage, we somehow turned away a half-dozen other "young, childless newly-married, sweet-spirit couples" just like us (until we had a kid.) We are the Anti-Magnet for other couples. We scare them away for some reason.

joanna said...

Plus, I was being saracastic about the phrase: "young, childless newly-married, sweet-spirit couples" just like us

wynne said...

I suffer from foot-in-the-mouth disease. I keep trying to pull it out of there, but I've grown far too comfortable standing around in the awkward position of lifting one leg up towards my mouth.

wynne said...

See what I mean?

You're in good company.

wynne said...

Or perhaps I should say I am.

wynne said...

Did you know the written word and the spoken word are actually different dialects? Different parts of the brain work 'em. It's true.

My spoken word lobe is all atrophied and limp.

Amber said...

Everyone at church denies reading my blog out of fear they'll get excommunicated.

You, on the other hand my dear, are an inspiration to all LDS bloggers. :-)