Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Delta Burke Hates Me: She Tried To Strangulate My Lady Bits Last Week!

Be warned: Just because someone's a washed-up television star from the 80's doesn't mean they should be handed complete creative control over their own intimate apparel line.
But, if they did, we would have seen undergarment products from former big-name stars lining the shelves of department store underwear sections a long time ago.
How about Gary Coleman's Big Boy Briefs? Or Shelley Long's Long Johns? Or maybe a nice pair of Joan Collins' Cougar Thongs.

Okay, so while shopping at Big Lots discount store in pursuit of the perfect birthday present for my friend Carrot Jello, I found a 2-pack value box of Delta Burke brand girdles on sale.
Really, is there any better way to tell someone how much they mean to you than sending them a couple of lace-front girdles?
The Sisterhood Of The Traveling Girdles: A Movie For The Less Physically Fit.
Since Carrot and I wear the same size, I figured that I'd keep one and send the other to her as a kind of gut-minimizing, fat pouch-eliminating take on the old Best Friends heart necklaces we all coveted during our schoolgirl days. Although at no time did I consider writing "Best" on one girdle and "Friends" on the other.
A girdle is the perfect gift of friendship. It literally girds you up when you're feeling down. Girdle Twin Power.....ACTIVATE!
Just so you know: One girdle's black and one girdle's ivory. Kind of like a Girdle Yin&Yang.

Then suddenly, before I could ship the girdle to Carrot's house, a most unfortunate girdle tragedy struck the Infidel home.
You never think it can happen to you.......
On the day of Papi's company Christmas Party I couldn't find my steadfast and true girdle sidekick anywhere and trust me, I freakin needed it so I could squeeze into my dress.
I searched high and low for it. I even commissioned our dog Reagan to go on a girdle rescue mission since he has fantastic sniffy capabilities. But it was all to no avail.
Duct taping fat rolls to smooth them out doesn't work as well as I thought it would.
In desperation I turned to Delta Burke to solve my girdle emergency.
Initially the ivory-colored girdle slid right on with ease but then, much to my chagrin, it stopped somewhere between my navel and lower belly pooch.
I read the package. It did not mention anything about it being a pack of low-rise girdle bikinis. And yet there I was, standing in something that looked like and pinched like an itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny little Delta Burke bikini.
I may be grossly rotund but my pubic area is not where I need to focus slimming efforts.
The thought flashed into my mind of Papi's co-workers gossipping about me and saying things like: "Wow, Papi's wife has the most toned and svelte pubic area I've ever seen. It's a shame the rest of her is so hefty."
In disgust, I hurled the hoo-hoo oppressing garment across the room.

My mom had a similar experience with Delta Burke.
She purchased a Delta Burke brassiere in a slightly larger size to ensure a good fit.
The bra not only refused to cup her bosoms properly, it also had the audacity to mock my mom as she futilely struggled and strained and grunted to hook the tiny clasps in the back.

I speculate that Delta is a fat lady who secretly hates other fat ladies. She probably takes out her aggression on the portly population by manufacturing undergarments in smaller sizes than what the label says so that the buyer will feel like a total blob of billowing blubber when they try to wear it.
Delta is banking on the fact that the low-rent stores who carry her inferior shrinky-dinky apparel don't have dressing rooms. See, then large-and-in-charge women won't know the true discomfort and trickery Delta is serving up until they get home and find themselves totally compressed by the vacuum-sealed Delta girdles.
They'll undoubtedly feel too fat and ashamed to return the stuff because they don't want to have to recite the sad tale to the customer service manager about how their big butt refused to be harnessed and confined into such a ridiculously small polyester prison.
Brilliant marketing strategy!

Delta Burke should go work for the people over at the Just My Size clothing manufacturer. She's had a lot of practice selling stuff that really is just her size and her size only.
But one thing's for certain, Delta Burke may hate me but I hate that panty-pushing hussy even more.
From this day forth, we are enemies.
Delta will never be allowed into the sanctity of my underwear drawer ever again.


jams o donnell said...

Am I first? Long time since I've been that here EWBL!

jams o donnell said...

I read this and even thought I don't know who Delta Burke is I give thanks that I was born with a winkie!

J-Mom said...

Dying laughing just from the title. Then after Joan Collin Cougar Thongs, laughing so hard, I could barely read anymore. hahahahah Best Friends girdles, let along matching bikini girdles! Thanks for the laughter!

Jillybean said...

I like the idea of "Best Friends" girdles. You should go back to that big lots store and buy out the rest of the girdle supply.
Next, get a sharpie and write "Best" and "Friends" on the girdles and sell them in an Etsy shop.
I think you could make a fortune!

Jami said...

Seriously funny. Seriously true. What a great post to welcome me back! DSL means your blog actually loads. Yay! I've missed you dreadfully.

I don't do girdles. They give me massive muffin top! I just buy bigger dresses.

JustRandi said...

I knew I didn't like Delta Burke! I just wasn't entirely sure WHY!?

Suburban Hippie said...

Who doesn't want a svelte pubic area... isn't that the part all the celebrities are having surgically removed these days?

Stacey said...

I am cracking up! This was one of the best posts eva!

"hoo-hoo oppressing garment"..*snort*

nora.lakehurst said...

I know for sure. I ditto what Stacey says. LOL Ok I think I peed a bit. Oh my hannah that is toooo funny.

PlungerGirl said...


Svelte pubic region.

Funny stuff!

Millie said...

"Wow, Papi's wife has the most toned and svelte pubic area I've ever seen. It's a shame the rest of her is so hefty."

That was Poise pad-worthy.

omar said...

I hate to piggyback on other people's comments, but Jillybean's idea is brilliant. If you're not going to do it, let me know, because I might.

Carrot Jello said...

You just see if I ever talk to you again.
Outing my fat self on your blog.

Klin said...

Hey thanks for the heads up. I'll be sure to buy a larger size when I go buy my Best Friends girdles.

You are the best!

Elizabeth-W said...

Oh my fetchin' heck. I am laughing so hard.
If a girdle doesn't come up to at least your second or third rib from the bottom, it is worthless.
Imagining my body in that girdle makes me laugh and cry at the same time.

Heffalump said...

Maybe it really IS a best friends girdle set, and one is the top half of the girdle while the other one is for the bottom half. You should try them both on at the same time and see.

Nancy Face said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Nancy Face said...

This post was a masterpiece...LOVE it! :D

This paragraph really got me:

"The thought flashed into my mind of Papi's co-workers gossipping about me and saying things like: "Wow, Papi's wife has the most toned and svelte pubic area I've ever seen..."

Nancy Face said...

You be a GENIUS! :D

Rebecca said...

"Toned and svelte pubic area"

That's GOLD! Priceless!

Love it. Hate Delta Burke. No good reason, always have.

Boy Mom said...


Hilary said...

Clearly you were Delta bad deal..

Jean Knee said...

oh that evil B%tch. leme at her.
How dare she do something like that to the girdle twins!!

Amber said...

How could I not have been informed of Delta's product line? Sweetie, I would take the svelte pubic area in an instant. At least ONE part of me would be skinny. :-)

NOBODY said...

I don't even have the time to list all the times this post made me laugh out loud. And how many parts I read and reread because it was sheer literary gold. :) Very funny.

Yvonne said...

That was the best!!!!

Hey It's Di said...

OH GREAT! I laughed so hard I split my duct tape that was attempting to hold my rolls in!! Seriously I have tried the tape thing and it makes it REALLY hard to breath;)

Can I join the sisterhood of the traveling girdle? I have often said aloud that I sure wished I had a svelt pubic area. You go girl!! said...

Well, I just bought 2 "SLIMMING JACQUARD CONTROL GIRDLES" in a store which forbids trying on underwear (is it because of theft, or because of reality shock??). I could not agree more with this article. Delta Burke is taking revenge on us gorgeous generous women by making so-called plus sizes shrunken not to fit. It's not just funny, it's sad. Yes, we'd like a bit of toning & enhancement of curves, but with garments designed for our actual shapes, not just a larger version of the svelte size 8. And we all know that once you reach a certain age, the deposits re-arrange themselves on the body. Where's the compensation for that?? ALL women like to look good, Delta Burke. Even you!! Get with it!

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