Monday, December 22, 2008

The Infidel Way To Deal With A Christmas Spirit That Suddenly Turns Ugly


What's more natural than taking your family on a festive holiday hay ride during the weeks leading up to Christmas?
Well, leave it to us Infidels to turn something wholesomely natural into something grotesquely unnatural.
So there we sat cheek-to-cheek on the back of a hay-stuffed trailer along with a bevy of shivering strangers.
Aside from an occasional cough or sneeze the hay ride adventure lurched forward with nary a peep.
I spontaneously tried to rally the mini-Infidels into singing some Christmas carols to break the chilled winter silence and bring cheer to our fellow passengers.
One chorus of Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer later, I sullenly pulled my knit cap down to cover my flushed face as the entire trailer of sour-faced people glared at us.
I didn't realize that we had stumbled onto the "Silent Night/Quiet Night/Shut The Freak Up Night" hay ride tour.
Hey, getting your heiny stabbed through your britches with a thousand points of dried-out hay isn't pleasant for anyone but we must think of our brave hay ride pioneer ancestors and how they soldiered on with a song on their lips and bugs in their teeth.
As though our failed attempt at turning a lackluster hay ride into a cheery Hay Ride:The Musical! event wasn't mortifying enough, then my second oldest mini-Infidel, Stef had to act like she was a couple jingle bells short of a Jingle Bell Choir by making some very oddball Christmas music comments.
Stef actually remarked out loud that she gets The Carol Of The Bells and Tubular Bells mixed up.
Okay, one tune rejoices in the coming of the Savior while the other one provides an ominous backdrop for a demonic exorcism.
Yeah, I certainly can see how those two songs can be confused.
I may have to one day explain to Stef that Chuck Berry's rowdy sing-a-long "My Ding-A-Ling" isn't really about bells on a string........ No, it really isn't. Sorry if I ruined the illusion for you.
So, while still laughing at Stef, the rest of us started dreaming up a collaborative Medley Of Bells to accompany any nice Christmas exorcism. A tune soaring and dramatic enough to make old Ebenezer Scrooge smile perniciously as he gets the drop on his visiting spirits with a strategically placed Ghostbuster brand ghost trap now with ectoplasm inhibitors.
Ebenezer Part 2:Revisited.....He Ain't Fraid' Of No Ghost(s)
We got as far as combining AC/DC's Hell's Bells, Tubular Bells and the always creepy Michelle, My Belle before we knew we had hit upon a Christmas Exorcism music gold mine!
And if that fails to vanquish evil spirits, you can always use the special demon-smashing Silver Bell included with every Bell Medley CD purchase.
Ooops, Up, Side Yo Head, scary possessed thingie!
Just hear those demon slay bells jingling ring-ting-tingling too. That's right it's lovely weather for a nice exorcism with you.
*The official Bell Medley Pack may also be used to ward off annoying family, co-workers, and bill collectors, too;but only on Christmas. Product expires December 26.*

27 comments:

Heffalump said...

Now I am having horror movie visions of Christmas Carols...
"They thought it was lovely weather for a sleigh ride...little did they know it would turn into a SLAY ride..."
At least you got your kids to sing. My kids would have just looked at me blankly...

Carrot Jello said...

Michelle, My Belle
Is a good song, it is.

Boy, your post goes along with my post.
Or mine with yours, 'cause you were first.

Carrot Jello said...

Merry Christmas!

You’ve just been hit with Random Acts Of
“ Merry Christmas!”
Love, Carrot Jello

Lisa said...

What's with the scrooge riders?

Merry Christmas!!

jams o donnell said...

vHmm sitting in an open wago with straw doing acupunture on the derriere? I'll stick to indoor pursuits for Xmas!

I hope you, Papi and the mini-infidels have a happy Christmas

Science Teacher Mommy said...

Did you ever see the SNL skit that is the Sweeny Sisters doing a Christmas bell medley. Wet-your-pants-funny stuff. I couldn't find it on-line anywhere. Something stupid about copyright law.

Melissa said...

I like it! I think I could find a few people to play it for and make them disappear!

Stacey said...

Between your post and Carrot's post I'm going to have bad dreams.

BTW have you ever seen the Scooby Doo Christmas about the headless snowman? It's just a wee bit inappropriate. It came on after the Grinch and my kids haven't recovered from it.

Klin said...

I was just thinking that you and Carrot must be on the same wave length and then I read her comment. LOL

So Merry Christmas to you and your family. We are digging out of over a foot of snow that has just fallen today. I love it!!!

Stacey said...

Since you turned off your comments for your other post I will just say good luck with your procedure tomorrow.

I hope they don't get too much up in your bidness.

compulsive writer said...

Good luck w/ the surgery tomorrow and best wishes for a SPEEDY recovery!

Hilary said...

Sending best thoughts your way for a successful surgery and a speedy recovery. No spinning your head around full tilt upon awakening.

Annie said...

I'm thinking of you today, my dear friend. I'm sure everything will be just find and your underareas will be better than ever. They have seemed to fulfill the measure of their creation to this point? Eh?

I will be a organ donor, but I don't state it on my drivers license. I don't want some doctor giving up on me so he can give my perfectly pink lungs to some rich Aspen lady. I'll let Secret Agent Man let them know when I can go.

wynne said...

What gives? People don't want to sing carols on a HAY RIDE?

wynne said...

And elastic, I think it's awful that you're getting surgery for a Christmas gift. Couldn't Papi come up with something a little less painful?

Nancy Face said...

Yeepers! How did you and your fun Infidels end up on a hayride full of losers? :S

Nancy Face said...

I found myself singing along to your new version of Sleigh Ride! Scary, haha! :D

Nancy Face said...

I hope all went well with the NOT FUN surgery. Take care of yourself, my friend! :)

Nancy Face said...

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

VE said...

And Merry Christmas to your family. Hope to see you on the other side of it for more fun!

Palm Springs Savant said...

just stopped by to wish you a Merry Christmas!

-Rick

aubrey said...

merry Christmas, elastic!

Annie said...

I hope you are not here because you are having too much fun and not because your head is in a toilet bowl. Hurry back!

Jean Knee said...

I've never been to an exorcism but my boyfriend in college's roommate sold his soul to the devil one night. The devil didn't even show up, candy ass.

Suburban Hippie said...

What lame lame fellow hay riders you had.

Hope your medical procedure wasn't related to the hay ride ;)

Hey It's Di said...

Oh who were those crotchety people on the hay ride? There is NOTHING I love more than things poking up my butt and singing at the top of my lungs! (and usually in freezing temperatures). You all would have made my day!

What? Check Berry's song isn't about bells on a string? I'm crushed!

Hey It's Di said...

"Silent Night/Quiet Night/Shut the Freak Up Night" You are KILLING me girl! Where do you come up with this stuff??