Monday, December 22, 2008

I'd Like To Dedicate A Song To The Surgical Staff Who'll Be All Up In My Business Tomorrow

At first I considered a nice Weird Al spoof for the occasion. Perhaps "Like A Surgeon" would be apropos even though really Weird Al is so flippin timeless and classic no matter the reason or the season; but instead I'm going with my final selection: Diana Ross.
Diana sums up all the meaningful things I desire to articulate when she gustily sings "Touch me in the morning......then just walk away..."
I don't really want to be touched at all, mind you. I'm not one of those kinks with a surgical fetish nor do I have to rely on my HMO to hook me up with some good touchy/feely action.
Well, normal people wouldn't give a second thought to the minor procedure I'm undergoing in the morning, but I'm not normal; I'm freaked out.
When I relayed my fears of anesthesia to the registration nurse at the hospital during my pre-op visit she simply laughed and then proceeded to ask me if I had a Living Will and if I'm an Organ Donor.
Wow, so reassuring. Yeah, I don't mind entertaining paranoid delusions of croaking on the table while the doctor harvests my plump and ripe organs like it's dollar days in the Piggly Wiggly Produce Department. I don't mind at all. Thanks registration nurse! I'm guessing you failed Compassion And Caring 101.
The best part is that I'll be working all night in 30 degree weather. Wait, no, that's not the best part. The bestest part is that the nurse admonished me with a firm "No Drinking Or Eating After Midnight Prior To Surgery" command.
She didn't specify why. Is it an instruction from The Gremlins Handbook? Will I turn into a wickedly voracious monster if I dare stuff my face past the stroke of midnight? Or is the Hospital trying to avoid another unfortunate Code Brown incident in the Operating Room? Only my physician can say for sure and I won't be seeing her until a minute before they gas me.
I'm only spending the day with the fine folks at Our Lady of Holy Moly Hospital. I'm a little hurt that they didn't want to spend the night with me, but I guess I'll get over it.
In case you're curious, we'll just categorize tomorrow's proceedings in the "Personal And Feminine In Nature" file folder.
Whoever assumed that I was going in for a sex change operation, you're wrong. I don't feel like going to all the hassle it would involve to transform this blog into The Macho, Macho Man Infidel. I'm not suffering from the heartbreak of hemorrhoidal flare-up either and I'm not getting that superfluous vaginal plastic surgery(Vagiplasty?) that's become so trendy lately.
So, if I don't see you all before Thursday, Have A Very Merry Christmas!