From the thoroughly scientific research I did in my kitchen I've concluded that whales originally descended from bloated commas and whimsical paisley patterns.
Need to see some hard data that backs up the validity of my hypothesis? Just look at Photo Evidence #1 down below.
By shifting the bloated commas and bread paisley in a clockwise position, they wondrously transformed into a pod of baby Shamus!
Photo Evidence #2
Some lucky souls have witnessed the miracle of the Virgin Mary appearing before them on their tortillas while others have unexpectedly come face-to-face with the image of Elvis himself-and all his sideburned glory-embroiled upon their fried peanut butter & nanner sandwich.
Me? Well, my oven and I got to play host to a whole loaf of Orca-shaped bread.
The spirit of Free Willy lives on through the power of yeast!
Notice the perfect oval eye? All the better to see you with, my pretty!
See the small indention where Shamu's mouth is? Who knew he kept his lips pursed like a whale version of Napoleon Dynamite? I wonder if his lips hurt "real bad" too?
Look at the curled-up position of the tail. Okay, that's enough looking at whale butt. Gosh, if this whale tail isn't safe from ogling, what hope does my own whale-sized butt have?
Also make note that this particular miniature killer whale species was marked for immediate extinction. Yeah, you can blame us Infidels for making them disappear and disappear quickly but it should also be said that death was imminent for this Shamu bread family.
Just take one long look at them, they're completely brown and crunchy. That's what they get for not putting on proper sunscreen.
Their blowholes laso have the remarkable capability to spout cascading streams of garlic-tinged butter.
That butter-peddling harlot Paula Deen probably goes on Whale Toast Watching Tours all the time......and she never closes her mouth either.
Ahhh, better than a butter I.V.
If you happen upon a pod of Shamu bread lurking quietly on bakery shelves, I would seriously advise against placing them in your aquarium.
Your mail-order sea horses will conquer and devour them.
Instead, buy a box of Goldfish crackers to feed your adopted Bag O' Orca.
How about inviting your oddly eccentric friends, Jonah and Captain Ahab over for a Whale Eating party??!??
The moment that reps from SeaWorld see this post they're going to start opening up food booths featuring outrageously over-priced slices of Shamu toast. You know I'm right.
I hope they deal me in for a profit percentage.
The dinner ended in tragedy. Despite my conservationalist spirit arising to encourage the Infidel Family to "Save The Whales" they continued on, ignoring my whale-saving pleas until there weren't any whales left to save.
Poor me, sitting here all leftover whale deprived.