Friday, January 23, 2009

I Was So Hungry Last Night I Could Have Eaten A Whale.....And So I Did!

I inadvertently stumbled upon a miracle of the evolutionary process as I prepared a tray of garlic bread slices for the oven.
From the thoroughly scientific research I did in my kitchen I've concluded that whales originally descended from bloated commas and whimsical paisley patterns.
Need to see some hard data that backs up the validity of my hypothesis? Just look at Photo Evidence #1 down below.
By shifting the bloated commas and bread paisley in a clockwise position, they wondrously transformed into a pod of baby Shamus!

Photo Evidence #2
Some lucky souls have witnessed the miracle of the Virgin Mary appearing before them on their tortillas while others have unexpectedly come face-to-face with the image of Elvis himself-and all his sideburned glory-embroiled upon their fried peanut butter & nanner sandwich.
Me? Well, my oven and I got to play host to a whole loaf of Orca-shaped bread.
The spirit of Free Willy lives on through the power of yeast!

Notice the perfect oval eye? All the better to see you with, my pretty!
See the small indention where Shamu's mouth is? Who knew he kept his lips pursed like a whale version of Napoleon Dynamite? I wonder if his lips hurt "real bad" too?
Look at the curled-up position of the tail. Okay, that's enough looking at whale butt. Gosh, if this whale tail isn't safe from ogling, what hope does my own whale-sized butt have?
Also make note that this particular miniature killer whale species was marked for immediate extinction. Yeah, you can blame us Infidels for making them disappear and disappear quickly but it should also be said that death was imminent for this Shamu bread family.
Just take one long look at them, they're completely brown and crunchy. That's what they get for not putting on proper sunscreen.
Their blowholes laso have the remarkable capability to spout cascading streams of garlic-tinged butter.
That butter-peddling harlot Paula Deen probably goes on Whale Toast Watching Tours all the time......and she never closes her mouth either.
Ahhh, better than a butter I.V.
If you happen upon a pod of Shamu bread lurking quietly on bakery shelves, I would seriously advise against placing them in your aquarium.
Your mail-order sea horses will conquer and devour them.
Instead, buy a box of Goldfish crackers to feed your adopted Bag O' Orca.
How about inviting your oddly eccentric friends, Jonah and Captain Ahab over for a Whale Eating party??!??
The moment that reps from SeaWorld see this post they're going to start opening up food booths featuring outrageously over-priced slices of Shamu toast. You know I'm right.
I hope they deal me in for a profit percentage.
The dinner ended in tragedy. Despite my conservationalist spirit arising to encourage the Infidel Family to "Save The Whales" they continued on, ignoring my whale-saving pleas until there weren't any whales left to save.
Poor me, sitting here all leftover whale deprived.

17 comments:

ELASTICWAISTBANDLADY said...

Speaking of toasted.....I'm going to get toasted and roasted tomorrow if I don't finish all my homework for English class. This guy thinks we're Ivy League or something judging by the amount of work he assigned us.

Where have I been? Taking 3 classes at school. Attending a son with a 103 fever all week. Working in bitter cold and having hands cracked and bleeding.

And then wrapping up the week by feeling profoundly grateful for the opportunity to go someplace to earn college credits that's just down the road from me. And to marvel at how even though I'm beyond exhausted physically my mind doesn't seem tired. It's soaking up a thirst for knowledge that I never even knew that I had or wanted.

Even if I don't score a 4.0 GPA this semester, I've already learned a lot.

Millie said...

I was wondering how school was going. I'm glad it's been a mostly pleasant experience so far... sorry about your feverish boy.

If the whale's lips didn't "hurt real bad" before, I'm sure time in the oven probably didn't help.

nora.lakehurst said...

LOL. I am happy you got to eat with the Gold fish God ;) Have a great weekend and show your English teacher what you are made of!

Hilary said...

Darn, and all this time, I thought the packaging said "Whole Wheat." Now I know it was "Whale Wheat."

Best of luck with your schooling. I'm glad it's working out for you. :)

Yvonne said...

LOVE IT--Because I actually see it!!!!

Good luck with that assignment for school ; )

Suburban Hippie said...

mmmmmmmmmmmm whale toast looks good.

How are you enjoying the people in your classes. Before the nursing program they drove me INSANE with their retardedness (the screen people for nursing so I don't have to deal anymore.)

Heffalump said...

You could have posted this one on Infidel Woman Cooks!
It's great that you are able to go to school...I plan to do that someday.

Science Teacher Mommy said...

I could hardly even read for thinking about garlic bread.

carrie said...

I'm very susceptible to the power of suggestion. Now I must have Spaghetti with garlic bread for dinner.

That butter-peddling harlot Paula Deen...
Hilarious and oh so true.

I think it's awesome you are going back to school. Someday when you are a famous author I can say, I knew her when...

Sketchy said...

Shamu toast...hmmmm...a more appetizing thought than I would have supposed.

Jean Knee said...

I'm about to eat a hamburger, I'll let you know what it looks like

Suzanne said...

First scary faces in the dresser and now whales in the bread! Elastic, I can't wait what you're going to discover for us next! :)

jams o donnell said...

I love the cetacean toast! Yikes EWBL you're busier than ever. I hope that your classes go well

Nancy Face said...

Mmm...toast. :D

Nancy Face said...

I want to eat Baby Shamu RIGHT NOW! It pretty much doesn't matter that I just finished eating dinner. I always want MORE!!!

Nancy Face said...

This is disgusting but true: our dinner was leftover Mexican soup, chock-ful of chicken breast, diced tomatoes, hominy, black beans, and yummy spicy stuff. It was scrumptious, but not at all pretty to look at with its brownish broth. As I was serving it up into my bowl, I couldn't help thinking it looked an awful lot like diarrhea.

Baby Shamu is so much cuter than diarrhea! YOU WIN!

Physcokity said...

Yeast + fish in the same sentence? yikes!

Yeast + Garlic + Butter? Tasty!