Monday, January 26, 2009

I Keep My Friends Close And My Chin Hairs Closer


You know how certain weed species get introduced to an area outside their native habitat and they immediately set out to virulently choke out the natural landscape? Yeah, well, wiry chin hairs keep cropping up to destroy my natural beauty despite the Herculian efforts aimed at eradicating them.
As I pondered the uses that an overabundance of chin whiskers can provide, I indulgently chuckled. I envisioned myself taking the hoity toity art world by storm as I create abstractly avant garde masterpieces using only the bristles of my custom chin hair paintbrush. I'm a humanitarian at heart but I'm woefully short of the required hair length necessary to weave a wig for Locks Of Love. I'd like to maybe make my own line of chin toupees for the hair follicle-challenged hipsters out there. It must be agonizing to attend poetry slams and indie rock concerts devoid of the de rigeur goatee. How I weep for them. I yearn to transform my own hirsute misfortunes into soul patch happiness for others.
I try to remain optimistic about life despite my smooth skin shortcomings but then I ran into my old friend Mrs. Sam at the park on Saturday.
As we chatted, my eyes kept disobediently gravitating towards Mrs. Sam's jutting chin. And then the stark realization occurred that Mother Nature is nothing more than a cruel and insidious harpy.
Mrs. Sam and I go wayyyyy back. So far back that I've actually blogged our most scintillating tales complete with hand-drawn pictures from the second-oldest Infidel daughter. From making a binding verbal pledge vowing that we'd never cannibalize one another's family in a time of famine to animated discussions of us potentially teaming up to run for President/Vice President, Mrs. Sam and I have mused about many things.
At the time (2006) Mrs. Sam seemed adamant that I ascend to the top of the ticket since a black candidate could never win a Presidential election in America. Surprise!
Mrs. Sam And I Are Both Immortalized In That Song Called "Doin Tha Butt"
An Anti-Cannibalism Contract Between Friends Who Don't Have The Last Name Donner
Anyway, I'm 30-ish, white, and I suffer with the heartbreak of strikingly noticeable black chin hair that furls and curls as it makes its way across my chin like a giant scraggly tumbleweed. Mrs. Sam is 50-ish, black, and suffers from an extreme proliferation of shaggy white chin hair as though her face is merely masking her real identity as the Abominable Snowman.
Ebony and ivory NOT living together in perfect harmony. Side-by-side on our chin pores, so gross, oh Lord, why can't weeee(afford electrolysis).
Do you see the unfairness of the situation?
Everyone desires to stand out in a crowd but this just isn't the way to go about doing it.
A chin hair swap would absolve both of us of our heavy unwanted hair burdens. I have what Mrs. Sam wants and she has what I need. If that's not possible, how about just some decent chin hair camo or chin hair ammo? Is that too much to hope for?
How I long to one day have the authority to truculently shriek: "Not by the hair of my chinny-chin-chin.........cause I don't have any" to an advancing foe.
*sniffle*

23 comments:

ELASTICWAISTBANDLADY said...

I'm up to tumbleweed-like chin hairs in homework.
Pity me as I struggle with completely self-imposed obstacles. :)

My English Professor is a genius. No, really, he is. He was a VP for IBM, Hewlett Packard and he holds THREE Doctoral degrees along with a smattering of books that he's authored. How he ended up teaching lowly freshman English is a mystery to me.

Anyway, he pointedly told me on Saturday: "You have a spark of mischief in you."

He has no idea, really.

I've shied away from academia for so long.....I never considered the possibility that I might actually enjoy the challenge.

ELASTICWAISTBANDLADY said...

I wrote my first paper comparing my life to a unicycle with training wheels. I indulged in some verbal imagery that included a pair of balls. Just thinking about it right now is cracking me up.

I hope everyone is doing okay. I decided that I didn't want to board up the Infidel while I whine my way through this semester at school. I'll be sporadically posting as I learn some self-discipline in completing homework and studying without being nagged by my mommy. I have such a limited amount of time to get things done around my work and mini-Infidel schedule. I just need to get myself more focused or organized or something.

Suburban Hippie said...

I was thinking the other day about how I must be getting old; I remember a time I discussed the how-to's of certain hair styles. Now-a-days I am more likely to discuss the how-to's of hair removal.

You need to go to Aisha's on Jones and 1960... threading is cheap ($3 for mustache removal, $6 for eyebrows, I don't know about the chin but it can't be too much.) Their number is 281-477-9494. If you don't want to go alone call me and I'll go with you.

I am so proud of you going back to school. YOU CAN DO EET!

Millie said...

Mr. English really DOES have no idea. Have you told him about your blog yet? Can you post your papers online so we can see them?

Your "last name Donner" title was great. All your titles are great.

My chin hair isn't the problem... it's my hefty mustache I struggle with on a semi-daily basis. But I feel ya.

Science Teacher Mommy said...

Neck hairs are harder to pull out--more slippery.

Elizabeth-W said...

Seconding Millie. He has no idea what he's dealing with.
I'm so impressed you're going back to school. Somehow I missed this little tidbit of info.
You are wonderwoman!

Suzanne said...

A chin hair swap!?! I'd love to see you accomplish that! :D

Elastic, I'm SO excited that you're going to school! I've loved being back in the classroom. It's a challenge, but it's so rewarding. And it's interesting how much more I'm trying this time around. Good luck! :)

J-Mom said...

Thank you for another laugh.
I have a wonderful mole on my chin, been there forever...it's an extremely light mole, so of course it looks like a big eternal zit. Now the hair decides to grow out of there. YUCK! I am also lucky enough to sport a lovely mustache! I know all of you are feeling a little jealous right now!

My Diary said...

I have had one chin hair for years, I have named it munchie and she comes back no matter how many times I tear her from her home and throw her in the trash.

I feel ya

Klin said...

A spark of mischief? Is it safe to dazzle him yet with your ideas?

He is under estimating you. That can be dangerous. Muahahahahahahaha

Diane said...

I have a couple of hairs that I have to pluck. What sucks more is the thinning on top of my head. Is'nt that for my brothers to worry about?

Jami said...

I have made each of my children and my yvil sister pledge that they will pluck my chin hairs when they visit me at the old folks home. No matter how senile I become, no matter if they have to strap me down to do it, I must not grow a goatee.

(By the way are we twinsies or what? Boob rash, skin tags, and now this? I feel closer to you every day. Oh by the way, I just won the my house is more ghetto than your house contest. When you get five, go over and read Jerry Springer Strikes again. Oh what a life.)

Yvonne said...

You are a real inspiration--I don't know how you are going to school!!!! Not that I don't think you can do it--I KNOW YOU CAN. You are incredible.

Regarding those chin hairs--how come no one told us that's what we had to look forward to??? (Along with grey eyebrows that are TOTALLY unruly ; )

Jean Knee said...

that is a touching story.
I have one goat hair that creeps its way out every so often, I tweeze it. It's a medium brown color--what do you think that means?

Hey It's Di said...

I am always on alert for crazy chin hairs or a mustache attempting to sprout. I get the tweezers to them before they take up residency. I did try to pluck a hair from inside my nostril once....OUCH! I will now leave any stray nose hairs alone:P

You are going to be the star pupil in your English class I'm sure of it! NOBODY has creative writing down so well!! Show them who's the smartest Elastic!!

Nancy Face said...

I'm so impressed with you, attending college classes in addition to all your other responsibilities! You go girl! I love what your professor said to you:

"You have a spark of mischief in you."

OH, YEAH! ;)

Nancy Face said...

My tweezer is one of my best friends. It gets up close and personal with my chin hairs, my nose hairs, my former unibrow, and lots of annoying gray hairs at the temple area which refuse to succumb to hair dye.

Plucking hairs from one's face can be a ouch-y thing, but it seems like the more one does it,the tougher those follicles become!

Nancy Face said...

I took great delight in singing along to your version of "Ebony and Ivory!" WOO HOO! :D

Maddy said...

Oh dearie me. Perhaps we could make a joint blog contribution, together we could create a whole briar!
Cheers

Physcokity said...

Academia is tasty. No wait that's MAC-adamia. But seriously. I loved school. I originally wanted to be the "forever student" but alas $$ got in the way.

Too bad you don't live here! I'd have shared my good fortune in laser hair removal!

Physcokity said...

Ahhh the Double entendre my literary frenemy

jams o donnell said...

Hmm I have chin hair problems too. Mercifully people thinks my grey bristles look sort of distinguished!

wynne said...

I hate my chin hair. I am not a man. why do I have whiskers?

Oh, and mine go all ingrown, too, the $#@$%%#@ monkey-%$@#@!#$ %$#%$^^#! I mean, I had no IDEA there was a chin hair half-an-inch long down there 'cause it was growing under the skin so I couldn't feel it, and I never look under my chin, so I never saw it...yuk.

Dame Nature is a WHORE.