Sunday, January 11, 2009

It's No Coincidence That You Can't Have Brawn (Or Brains) Without A B-R-A!

For years I've remained cognizant of the cryptic messages that my XM Satellite Radio has wordlessly sent to me via its display screen; but I'm truly baffled to explain this latest digital outburst.

Fight Like A Bra.....what exactly does that mean, XM Satellite Radio?
Should I fend off mortal enemies and foes using a soft cup technique which entails me just kind of aimlessly batting them around with my hands encased in pillowy cushions? Or should I take a few battle cues from the padding and smother those suckers like how the foamy lining chokes the will to live out of booby skin?
If I were to Fight Like A Bra right this very moment, it would be a clean fight. However, if we'd engaged in a vicious quarrel a few minutes before my shower, I'd have absolutely guaranteed you a very down and dirty bra skirmish.
Bottles of Boob Sweat: Guaranteed to repel any and all attackers
Should bra fighting ever become a national sport we all know that the underwire and all its malicious poking, tugging, and boobage-cutting maneuvers would win the grand championship.
I suppose there'd be a training bra/featherweight boobs division too for those perky young whippersnappers who haven't honed their brassiere war strategies yet.
Personally, I think Fight Like A Bra gives some interesting insight as to why I detest wearing a bra so much. You see, its warring nature is wholly incompatible with my genteel ways.
Although if bra fighting really did make headway into the world of competitive arena sports like bull fighting has, I'd have to cheer for my sturdy Playtex bras. I know they'd beat the snot out of those flimsy lace things that Victoria's Secret has to offer........ One good snap, and they're OUT!
Heavens, I force Playtex to take the 18-hour bazonga-holding challenge on a regular basis. Of course they're well equipped to fight it out with other bras. That is some superior durability at work right there.
To ensure victory we'd first have to make sure that the Madonna line of I-Stuck-My-Boobs-In-A-Pencil-Sharpener-To-Make-Them-Pointy bras are disqualified.
Madonna can take those grotesque boulder-holder abominations she foisted on an unsuspecting public and get into Unicorn or Rhino fighting or something.

I'll have to have a more in-depth chat with my XM Radio display about its too frequent communiques rife with odd advice and what exactly it wants me to do with it.
Not too long ago it was flashing graphic things at me like You Give Good Love, I Want Your Sex, and I'm In The Mood For Love, and I was all like "Pardon me, XM Radio? Are you coming on to me? You need to mind your manners."
I also hate it when it asks me geographical stuff like Do You Know The Way To San Jose? I mean, gosh can't it just talk to one of its GPS buddies? I'm not a freakin cartographer. And no, I don't know how to take you down to Funky Town either.

Okay, so perhaps the XM Radio isn't exactly a useful tool to rely on for life-altering guidance but the next time you find yourself embroiled in an escalating confrontation just remember the promptings of my XM Radio and employ some Fight Like A Bra moves; sure to make any opponent feel squeezed, manhandled, strangulated, and profoundly uncomfortable just like my own breastages do every single day of their young, fleshy lives.

35 comments:

Jean Knee said...

FIRST!!

Jean Knee said...

dang my training bra won't be any good in a bra fight. You and Bee could go at it pretty good though.

I LOL'd at cartographer! so frickin hard.

that's what she said


maps can be funny....
SO?

Hey It's Di said...

Bra fighting? Count me in! I've been trying to teach mine to lift and seperate. I think I'm asking to much on the lifting part;)

I remember as a child taking my mother's padded bras and laying them out (cup sides up) and jumping on them. Kind of like they were a trampoline you know. I was amazed that they would always go back to perfect form. I guess they would make good fighters!!

Lola....L..O..L..A....lo--oh--luh! said...

Diana speaks the truth. We would also take her little (sorry Mom) foam falsies and jump on them too.

I might win a bra fight with my new TURBO UNDEWIRE bras!

Jillybean said...

Bra fighting?

It sounds like the next Olympic sport to me. I've heard that they might be including pole dancing as an Olympic sport, maybe they could combine it with the bra fighting. Kind of like the biathalon.

Klin said...

Old bras don't fight fair. Well mine don't. The wire pokes me. I call foul.

Stacey said...

I rely on the strength of Playtex to cart around my big ol' gazongas.

My radio never comes on to me...maybe it prefers Victoria's Secret to Playtex?

Sister Pottymouth said...

Bwaaaaaaahahahaha! Rhino fighting...oh, just shoot me now!

Millie said...

"Oh no, my eye! The doctor said not to get pointy cone bra in my eye!" - Lenny on The Simpsons

Millie said...

Fight like a bra, huh? This is just one more example of your genius ness. I didn't stop to count how many euphemisms you included for the word "boobs" but girl, you are talented.

Millie said...

Those pointy boobs are the dumbest thing I've ever seen, so why is Madonna trying to look so sultry and slutty?

I guess she tries to look like that no matter what she wears.

Slut.

J-Mom said...

Thanks for another morning filled with laughter.

Yvonne said...

So glad you posted--I really needed a good laugh this morning ; )

nora.lakehurst said...

OH my stars I think I peed a little from laughing so hard. LOL Ok I gotta go and change. LOL just cant help myself from laughing,

Nancy Face said...

I thought it was just another boring Monday until I read THIS! :D

BRAVO!

FABULOSO!

FUNNY-O!

Nancy Face said...

My car is equipped with an XM radio, and even though we are too cheap to subscribe, it still sends me lots and lots of crazy messages, too! :D

Nancy Face said...

Although my boobages are featherweight, they are definitely NOT perky!

I'm sure you wanted to know that.

Nancy Face said...

The most fun I've ever had with a bra was when I was about Sunbum's age, at church girl's camp. All of us innocent Beehives stole our cabin mom's bra and strung it up the flagpole.

She didn't think it was so funny.

Suburban Hippie said...

For me it would me years of an uncomfortable but begrudgingly necessary relationship. It takes certain stamina to fight like that.

Ima Tease said...

Fight like a bra is the worst insult ever.
If I were you, I'd get rid of your xm radio. I'm pretty sure it doesn't like you.

Physcokity said...

Madonna can take those grotesque boulder-holder abominations she foisted on an unsuspecting public and get into Unicorn or Rhino fighting or something.

Personally I think she should go head to head with Unicorn Barbee.

Tiffany said...

Holy cow, I was laughing so hard, my husband had me read it to him and then I was laughing so hard and wheezing and tears were coming down my face and I was loving it to death. You are so funny, you know that dont you. I am so putting you on my side bar so I can come back every time you write. Wow, am I glad I randomly found you today. It must be my lucky day.

Annie said...

Breastages and chestal. I think we've come up with some new words this week. I wonder if we could copyright them.

S said...

Thanks for having me inhale H20 into my lungs @ 2 am. I can't even get through this post I am laughing so hard. I will be back when all these images go away from being so darn tired:) LOL
Great wordless post FYI! That picture is a riot!

jams o donnell said...

After Robot Wars comes Bra Wars. I'm sure there is a major tv show there!

Memarie Lane said...

Some boobs are definitely qualify as projectiles. No comment as to my own. ;)

Brian said...

This post enlightened me to the world of wearing bras. Gladly I will never have a part in that world.

Rebecca said...

I just thought of a use for Madonna's bras. Cake decorating! You could fill those suckers pretty full, and all you'd have to do is cut a little snip at the end to put the decorating tips in.

123 checkoutourfamily said...

hahaha...crazy technology, huh?

Rhonda said...

Bras are the devil and I fight with mine all the time. I especially enjoy when I get poked with underwires. I wish I was one of those women with teeny, no-bra wearing boobs!

Suzanne said...

Fight like a bra? That actually sounds like something the Chili Peppers would sing. Especially if Californication were involved...

Madonna's Gold bra said...

someone pointed me to your blog

Anna Maria Junus said...

Bra wars?

I'm still trying to figure out what an XM radio is. You have a radio that gives you advice? Where have I been.

Palm Springs Savant said...

I have Sirius radio and love it. love that they have the titles and artists names, but sometimesit does get truncated!

now about those bras...remember back in the 50's when pointy bras were in style? Yikes

Nancy Face said...

Lauren forgot to wear a bra to church yesterday.

Seriously.