Friday, February 27, 2009

I Finally Called It Quits With Bernard On Monday


I really thought that things were going to work out between Bernard and I.
He came highly recommended. In fact, multiples of noteworthy people testified as to Bernard's greatness......and then tattooed it all over his backside. They used glowing terminology filled with praise like "an instant classic!" and "amazingly brilliant!" These accomplished folks swore that once I got involved with the genius that is Bernard, I'd never be the same.
They were wrong.
For the past three weeks Bernard and I remained steadfast and inseparable companions. I gave him a chance to win me over. Yes, I really did, but he disappointed me at every turn.
Ours was a co-dependent relationship. Sure, I desperately needed Bernard, but his silent nagging to pick him up whenever I had a free moment really grew tiresome.
I fervently believed that by focusing on developing an intense love, or at the very least, some sort of deep understanding of him, it would conquer all our problems.
Instead Bernard lorded his academic superiority over me. He insisted on using lofty verbage so archaic that not even the combined super sleuthing team of Merriam &Webster could decipher what the freak he was talking about.
I knew from the beginning that Bernard was a bit cerebral. I struggled with his difficult, plodding nature, but I always had faith that I could change Bernard by cradling him in my arms for hours at a time while tracing his every curve with my highlighter-stained fingers.
Don't judge me, but once, in a fit of sleep-deprived insanity, Bernard and I carelessly tumbled into bed together.
Turns out he's just as boring in the sack as he is everywhere else.
Sad.
I could never take Bernard out in windy weather. Mostly because he's so dry he'll spontaneously burst into flames and cause an epidemic of wildfires. I can't have that on my conscience.
Weekend At Bernie's? Yeah, try THREE Weekends with MY Bernie. He's a little slice of pocket-sized deadweight.
So on Monday I summoned up the courage to tell Bernard that he had caused me a lot of headaches and untold grief. Bernard didn't even respond when I pulled the final plug from the respirator keeping our relationship alive. And then I told him that I never, ever, ever want to see him again.
Bernard took it surprising well when I banished him to the corner of my kingdom to sleep forever with the fishes......the silverfishes, that is.
Enjoy the Bernard Buffet, little paper-eating critters!

13 comments:

Elizabeth-W said...

It sounds like Bernardo is the kind of guy who is just going to sulk silently. Let him go. You gave him every opportunity to please you.

jams o donnell said...

At least there will be no tears or recriminations. I had to do something simolar with Chomsky's psycholinguistics treatises way back when... Dull or what!

Sue said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sue said...

One of the best book reviews I've ever read, and certainly the most amusing!

Suburban Hippie said...

Some of the stuff they make you read... I chewed a limb off once to get away from an assignment once.

Lisa said...

You gave your all! He failed. Loser.

Nancy Face said...

I can't decide on my favorite line. Maybe this one?

"Don't judge me, but once, in a fit of sleep-deprived insanity, I took Bernard to bed with me."

Did you drool on him?

Nancy Face said...

No, wait! I think THIS paragraph is the winner:

"I could never take Bernard out in windy weather. Mostly because he's so dry he'll spontaneously burst into flames and cause an epidemic of wildfires. I can't have that on my conscience."

Nancy Face said...

I don't mind big words now and then if I can look them up and learn something. But words that aren't even in the dictionary? UGH! >:(

Go away, Bernard.

Jean Knee said...

I think it's because you bought the enlarged edition that it went bust


I'm coming to H town over spring break, I hope you're available for a rendevous with me. Do not bring Bernard

Millie said...

You'd think he'd at least be exciting in bed. Darn it. At least you're not stuck with him for life.

Jami said...

Brilliant, my dear. Brilliant!

Annie said...

Here is a book suggestion for you:

"The United States of Europe"

Of course, when I want to tell you the author's name I can't remember.

It'll change your life.