Friday, February 13, 2009

The Smiling Infidel's Shop of Homemade Valentine Cards Is Now Open For Business!

Caterpillar, my 3rd grade daughter with big bushy caterpillaresque eyebrows, decided to make her own Valentine cards for the class exchange.
I elected to join the artsy fartsy extravaganza too since it's not often that we drag out the multitudes of crafty buckets, and crafty crates, and crafty boxes from the crafty storage locker.
John "Thank God I'm A Country Boy" Denver himself inspired me to create this one-of-a-kind construction paper masterpiece for my beloved husband, Papi.
OUTSIDE:

INSIDE:
If you've been reading this blog since 2006, then you understand the joke. If you haven't, then you need to dedicate the next two weeks to soaking in all 650 posts. Pronto!
Okay, back in April 1994, as Papi and I drove to Pancho's Mexican Buffet to enjoy our first date, we heard the news that the dead body of Nirvana front man Kurt Cobain had been discovered. I wrote a post using all Nirvana titles HERE.
Anyway, I'm not a Sentimental Lady at all (much to Bob Welch's disappointment) but because of Kurt, I'll never forget the momentous occasion of our first date.
Here's my scrapped Valentine's Card rough draft:
YOU FILL UP MY SENSES.....
LIKE A DEAD GRUNGE ALT ROCKER
I decided that wasn't as romantic as reminiscing over me and Papi's shared love of Pancho's delicioso chili rellenos.
Neither was discussing our post-date adventures:
YOU FILL UP MY SENSES....
LIKE THE STINK IN THE BATHROOM
Papi's a lucky, lucky man, for this year he'll celebrate with not one but TWO fancy cards custom-
designed especially for him by his loving wife.
OUTSIDE:
INSIDE:
There's a lot of naughty hidden messages on this card. You can squint and holler at Lurlene to fetch you your readin spectacles all you want, but you won't be able to read them. I used a special ink that can only be deciphered by the eyes of my one true love.
I'm also going to make some scandalous lingerie out of crepe paper streamers, gingham fabric scraps, and some googly eyes.
One day, when Sinnamon Bunns from the Shady Lady Cabaret gets her own craft show, then she can give you a personal tutorial on how to construct the classiest nipple pasties you've ever seen out of heart-shaped crafty foam.
I cannot tell a lie:
Taco Bell Hot Sauce moves me to do strange and wondrous things with scrapbooking scissors and a hot glue gun.
OUTSIDE: (SAUCY!)
INSIDE:(Needs a sample pack of Preparation H)
HAPPY VD EVERYONE!
VD=Valentine's Day not Venereal Disease....which is too bad because I've got this great idea for a line of VD cards that feature a real condom in the middle......

22 comments:

Carrot Jello said...

Only youuuuu...

Science Teacher Mommy said...

I would really like to know who told John Denver it was okay to take off his shirt. Really.

I love your frying pan card. I might still that, being fresh out of all creative juice myself. I haven't been able to get to the store this week to buy more creative to juice.

Anna Maria Junus said...

I hate Valentines Day.

Now that I got that out of my system, I'm sure you're a hoot at church.

Millie said...

Amen on shirtless John Denver. "John, you're kind of a geeky hippie wimp type... what if you took off your shirt for this album cover?"

***crickets***

I love, love, love your cards. You should write for Hallmark... when you care enough to send the very explosively flatulent.

Millie said...

-est.

Amber said...

My Venereal Disease...errr. attempts at Valentine's Day simply suck compared to this. Sigh.

Have been MIA with trips, dead computer, sick children. LOVE the new look!

Jillybean said...

LOVE the one with the hot sauce.

carrie said...

Don't you be dissin' my John Denver millie!

Now I know what to do with all those Taco Bell taco sauce packets that are spilling out of my kitchen drawer.

Suburban Hippie said...

You are the best kind of crafty.

Physcokity said...

DO IT! DO IT!

I'm also going to make some scandalous lingerie out of crepe paper streamers, gingham fabric scraps, and some googly eyes.


Favorite part of the whole post!

As for VD? I say VD rules!

Physcokity said...

The doitdoit part was actually in reference to the VD cards lol

Stacey said...

The John Denver one made me cry a little bit...that cover ain't right.

I love the electric skillet one. Hallmark,schmallmark.

Klin said...

Ahhhhhhh hell, I just went to Hallmark. I'm gonna have to hide this post from hubs or he'll be so jealous of your Papi and so disappointed that I didn't make something out of love for him.

YOU FILL UP MY SENSES.....
LIKE A DEAD GRUNGE ALT ROCKER
Makes me LOL

Elizabeth-W said...

You never cease to amaze me. I love it!

Jean Knee said...

awww

maybe someday I'll get an infidel custom made card

I still have the wonder woman one

Heffalump said...

Wow...you're so much more creative than me. I was thinking of buying some deodorant and including a note that says "My life would be the pits without you."
Now it's back to the drawing board!

Palm Springs Savant said...

WHEW..649 posts, am I sure tired. But now I get the reference!

(JK)

I think they are cute, and FUN too~!

VE said...

VD cards? I'm one upping you with my line of VE cards! I liked the cards though!

Nancy Face said...

I IMMEDIATELY thought of that when I saw Happy VD! ;)

Nancy Face said...

HILARIOUS!!! I laughed and laughed, and sang along with every verse! :D

Nancy Face said...

Hubby man and I like to sing a little country style verse we made up:

You fill up my fences
With mud and manure...

Hey It's Di said...

John makes me throw up a little in my mouth....I LOVE your hot sauce card! I am so wanting one of those! You are amazingly creative Elastic!!