Tuesday, June 02, 2009

Stop The Violence.....Join The 'Save The Combos' Commission Today!

Everyone regards Carrie Underwood as some sort of battered and dipped, chicken-fried Southern goody two shoes--however, the maniacal lyrics embedded within the hit song "Before He Cheats" reveals her true deviant nature.
I couldn't care less that she "dug her key into the side of his pretty little souped-up 4-wheel drive." No, what I'm talking about is infinitely more maleficent.
People, the truth is Carrie Underwood advocates the senseless murder of innocent bite-sized snack food.
It's unconscionable.
I cringe in horror whenever she flippantly growls out the line "He's teaching her how to shoot a Combo."
Using delectable little morsels of processed cheese as target practice is just wrong. They don't deserve this kind of persecution for simply seeking refuge within the crispy confines of a cracker shell.
Shooting helpless Combo snacks.....is this the new redneck sport of choice? Will there be an officially declared Combos hunting season or will rampant shooting sprees force entire Combo families to cower in fear all year long?
I hope these barbarians at least eat the Combo bounty they so ruthlessly slaughter. The trigger-happy thugs should also make their clothing out of the cellophane Combos bags, you know, in the interest of upholding the highest in hunting ethics
Hanging a Combos trophy above the mantel as a braggy centerpiece will be a difficult proposition for even the most experienced taxidermist to handle since Combos come pre-stuffed and doused in artificial colors and preservatives.
I fear a future where unregulated Combo shooting--spurred on and encouraged by Miss Underwood--leads to the Combos population teetering on the brink of extinction.......I'm going to open up an official Combos sanctuary/wildlife preserve.
In my mouth.
I'm so undeniably altruistic.
Let's join together and stop all this Combo hating, shall we? We tend to oppress that which we don't understand.
I know that the coupling of Oompaloompa orange cheese that resembles a load of ear wax on the end of your Q-tip along with tubular crackers that flunked out of the Flat Cracker Academy may seem a little unorthodox but we should allow the Combos union to flourish in eternal snacky happiness.
Don't hate. Don't discriminate. Don't exterminate.
Coombos: They ain't Funnyuns or fried possum tail, but dangit, they're somebody's junk food baby.
Carrie Underwood and her extreme anti-Combos hate must be halted post haste. I'd rather that the bleach blonde tramp in her song be taught to shoot pork rinds--the bastard child of the snack food world.


Stacey said...

Those poor combos! They should be eaten, not shot. I will eat the pretzel ones before Carrie can get a hold of them.

Klin said...

Shooting is at least less painful than "taking a Louisville slugger" to them.

My kids would devour the pizza ones in about a heart beat and a half.

Carrot Jello said...

Is nothing sacred? I mean, really.

Nobody said...


Your last line will be cherished by me (and mine) for the rest of all time.

Anonymous said...

Honestly, I'm not a big fan of Combos. But really, snack food is snack food, and none of it deserves this kind of treatment. Keep up the good work, and may the Combos prevail.

JustRandi said...

I was going to say what Cofo said about the Combos. But I can see the sense in uniting against ALL snack food violence. No discrimination here!