Monday, June 21, 2010

Just Lettin' It All Hang Out

Something has been bothering me for the past couple years but I didn't have a place to share my startling discovery until now.
And here's the part where I just blurt it out: PUBE DREADS! Medusa-Like Coochie Hair! Big Pubes Keep on Turnin' While My Eyes Just Keep On Burnin'!
Ahem, anyway, I'm all for natural beauty and yes, every single solitary part of the feminine body is a gift from God. Whatever.
However, one should probably consider making a date with Mr. Bic prior to cavorting about in the water in front of your homeschool group, fellow church members, and multitudes of children whose eye level unfortunately rests point blank on your impossibly furry thighs that resemble a stuffed Snuffleupagus.
This sister wasn't just working a sort of poofy explosion-down-at-the-Tammy-Wynette-wig-factory pubic hair look, oh no. It was instead like a miraculous reincarnation of Bob Marley himself complete with delicate yet coarse tendrils of dark hair cascading down far, far, far and away beyond the inadequate perimeters afforded by the unflattering cut of her bathing suit.
Oh Sister Sassy, that Hoo-Hoo Voodoo that you do!
I get it, I'm sometimes guilty of woeful maintenance neglect myself but I can guarantee you this......ain't nobody gonna look at me in my swim suit and assume that my nether region is nicknamed "Jason Castro" or that it's costuming itself as a Brillo pad gone horribly awry.
I own a brilliantly colored pair of rainbow board shorts that serves a dual function as a FUPA disguise system and a possible Gay Pride Parade Grand Marshall outfit should I ever be asked.
I like to be prepared for any and all eventualities.


Now, go watch this hysterical clip from my favorite defunct British comedy sketch show. It'll make your pubic inferiority complex disappear like magic! CHING!

11 comments:

ELASTICWAISTBANDLADY said...

Yeah, I posted this on another blog, and???!!!??
It freakin cracked me up and I thought it was funny enough to share with the unsupecting world at large!

Carrot Jello said...

I got to read it twice.
Now my inferiority complex is gone.
Thank you for that.

Nancy Face said...

I wouldn't be caught dead in a swimsuit without my board shorts...I'm WAY too much of a woos to wax! :D

Stacey said...

That just ain't right.

jams o donnell said...

Err I am lost for words! 5 gallons of wax stat!

Jean Knee said...

ouch

ELASTICWAISTBANDLADY said...

Hey, thanks for still reading my inane blog even though I have an insanely spotty track record lately.

I'm taking summer classes and quite honestly, they're kicking my trash and I'm exhausted. Although I did pull off an awesome A in Humanities!

ELASTICWAISTBANDLADY said...

Oh, and to clarify lest anyone thinks this post was written about them, this event happened 4 years ago and the sister has since moved out of the country.....to Canada, I think? Definitely a place much colder than here where her Pube Dreds will not be seeing the spotlight as often.

Jenny said...

Thank you oh thank you. I just hope all the pube dreaded peoples read this and take care of their issues S.T.A.T.

Palm Springs Savant said...

pube dreads> oh gross.

Nobody said...

:(